Blah

Well yesterday was not a very good day...

I had went up to the college on Friday to work out some financial aid stuff and I was given a list of things I had to do and was told to come back on Monday to finalize everything. I went home Friday and got everything done that day and I was feeling pretty good about it, since I had been trying to get it all worked out for practically the whole summer. I finally felt some relief...but that was short-lived.

On Monday, I returned to the school and met with this really nice lady. She even moved my papers to the top of the pile to make the whole process pretty much instant. Everything was going smoothly, until she called up the PLUS loan people. They said my mom had been denied for the parent loans, which wasn't such a big deal, because I was expecting that. I knew my Stafford loans would be able to increase, since my mom was denied the other loan.

What I did not know was that the Stafford loan would not increase enough...not even enough to cover my tuition. I still owed a couple hundred dollars and was not going to be getting any kind of refund for living expenses and books. The lady was very sympathetic, but she could not help me in anyway. She said she wished she could just make it higher. My need was several thousand dollars higher than what they were offering me in financial aid. Honestly, I don't understand how that happens. The financial aid should meet the need, even if it means more loans. The world is just difficult like that I guess. It can't be easy. It can't just make sense. (I had to come back and correct myself here...the world is actually really simple and beautiful...it is society...people who have made it so complicated...but I won't go into that....)

My only option was to take out a private loan, so as soon as I got home I looked into it. I applied for a few of those loans, but at the end of each application it said I needed a cosigner. Well, that was out of the question.... so I spent the day wondering, what now? What am I supposed to do? What can I do? I guess I could have just paid the few hundred dollars to be enrolled at the college and then got a job to cover living expenses and books, but I dunno, that would have been so ify. The more I thought about it, the less I liked the idea of being tens of thousands of dollars in debt from student loans. I felt like I was digging myself into a hole that I'd never be able to get out of. I really don't like that feeling.

So what are my other choices then? I looked into UVM, but the financial aid they were offering didn't look too good either. Most of the grants I used to get from them were replaced by loans, and one of those being a PLUS loan, which I already know I can't get. So, my last resort was looking into CCV again. I have been taking online classes through there for a few semesters, and it always worked out really great. The problem with that though is that it does nothing as far as earning my bachelor's degree. I am a few classes away from an associate's in Liberal Studies through them, but what good is that really? Better than nothing I guess? I was so set on getting my Bachelor's. I had finally made up my mind. I finally had a plan, but it all got turned to crap! It is so frustrating. It seriously feels like one step forward, two steps back. Am I not meant to get my dang degree? Why is it so difficult for me to complete it? Why has it taken so long! This should have been my final year of college. I should have a bachelor's in Zoology. I guess it's no one's fault but mine....

I screwed up that semester at UVM. Everything could have been perfect, but I messed up. I was getting enough grants to cover my full tuition and to get a couple thousand dollars in refund each semester. It was amazing, and I threw it all down the drain. I could have graduated college, not in debt like most students, but over 8 grand ahead! What an awesome start to my life that would have been. I seriously messed it up. Why did I do that? What is my problem? Why do I change my mind so much? I really don't have the answers.... the only thing I know is that it just didn't feel right at the time. I get so confused, and I can't decide what the right thing for me is. I still have no idea! So many times I thought I knew, and I was so sure I would make it happen, but then it just falls apart. In an instant, it's gone.

I cried so much yesterday. I felt so helpless and lost. I felt so stupid and pathetic. Everything that happens to me is my own doing, isn't it? Do I sabotage myself? I am starting to think it might be so. How can I stop that? Why is it so easy for some people, but so hard for others? I know people who just shine success. Everything they do turns out good and their life just falls into place...into perfect harmony. My life on the otherhand, is not so simple. It's full of mazes and puzzels and I can't quite fit the pieces together to find the right path. I can't decide what to do. Is college not the right answer for me? I know people who do just fine without a college degree. I know it is possible to get a job you love and that pays well without having to aquire massive debt first. I know people who are glad they didn't go to college. I can understand that. I just don't know what I would do then. What kind of job would I get? I am so terrified that I won't be able to get a job. My anxieties have kept me from that so far. Why do I assume it'll be any different in a year or two?

Well, my boyfriend wants me to go play in the sprinkler lol, so I'll be back in a few to continue this...

I'm back! That was fun =] and a nice break from all of this thinking. It's simple moments like those that make life worth living. I love my boyfriend so much. I love spending time with him and he really makes me happy. I am so grateful to have him in my life, and he is one of the few things that I am sure of in my life. I feel bad though, because he thinks he is the reason my college life has gone down hill. He thinks it's his fault that I left UVM. He thinks if it wasn't for him I would still be going there. I told him it definitely had nothing to do with him. I would probably be in the same situation even if he wasn't part of the equation. He has actually made life so much better for me. I am not lonely or depressed like I used to be. If it wasn't for him, I probably would have been too depressed to go back to school at all. I was ready to quit completely and he was the one who encouraged me to apply at CCV, and to not give up. He is the reason I am in Montana though, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It has been difficult school-wise, since I'm an out-of-stater, but if I could go back and do it again, I would still move out here. I have no regrets as far as that goes. I would not trade the times we have had together for anything! No use looking back and wondering what if anyway. The past is for memories and learning from mistakes, nothing more. I have to stay focused on the now and the future.

The now.... well I still am not quite sure what to do. The plan right now is to take a couple online classes at CCV this semester and get a job to start saving up. After that I could finish up to get my associate's degree or just start working. I do want my Bachelors, but at this point it just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. Would quiting school make me a failure? That's how society would see me, right? Is that how my family would see me? Would they be disappointed? Does it even matter? I am not sure. It's my life and in the end I think all that matters is that I did what I wanted to do. The problem is I don't really know how to explain what I want. I think I know what I want. I have a vision. I just don't know how to make it come true. I am afraid I will disappoint myself. I think I really need to sit down and think this all through. No more wasting time going in circles. I need to be realistic. I need a plan. I need to stick to it. I need to start making my dreams come true! Taking a deep breath...here goes...

What do I have to do? Why can't this hurt be through? I'm going head unto something I know I will fail.

[On a lighter note, the guy from the Discovery Channel called me today! He got the dvd we sent and wanted to confirm with me that I own the videos. So far so good :) I still think it's really cool!]