R.I.P. My Sweet Friend 11.15.09

I am sorry it's been a while. It is a very sad time for me and my family. We lost someone very dear to us, and although he was not a human, he has a very special place in our hearts. I am sure any of you pet lovers out there can relate. Losing anyone you love is probably the worst thing in the world. Fizzgig was a sweet, playful, and lovable kitty cat. All of our cats mean the world to us, so losing any of them is so devastating. November has become a very sad month, especially since the last three cats we lost, went missing or died in November as well. Just coincidence perhaps, but November still feels pretty gloomy regardless... :(

Since I am in Montana, and my family is in Vermont, I was not there when Fizzy got sick, but it still breaks my heart imagining him going through something so awful. He had a urinary blockage, which are more typical in male cats than females, and is actually quite common. DEFINITELY make yourself aware of this condition, because it is life threatening and one of the most painful things a kitty can go through. If your cat has had recurring urinary tract infections, then you should be on the lookout for the signs of urinary blockage. If you notice any kind of abnormal behavior in your cat, especially with regards to "bathroom" habits, take your cat to the vet asap. Every second counts. We lost our precious kitty, and I don't want that to happen to your kitties, so please take the time to educate yourself. It really makes a difference.

Our Fizzgig was so sweet and wonderful, and I can't believe he is gone. I don't think it has sunken in yet...It probably won't seem real until I go home and realize he's never coming back :( To keep from crying I have to tell myself, he is not hurting anymore. He is not sad, and he wouldn't want us to be sad either. It is really hard not to be sad, though. I miss him so much. The important thing is to remember the good times and never let go of those memories. I am so grateful for all the pictures we do have of him and all of the wonderful memories. I get teary-eyed whenever I look at the pictures...especially the ones of my sister, Kristina, and him. It makes me sad that I wasn't there to hug her and cry with her. It is heart-wrenching just thinking about what she went through at the emergency room. I know she was much stronger than I could've ever been. I wish I could have kissed him goodbye, though I know that would have been unbearable.



Sweet little Fizzy <3


Kristina and Baby Fizzgig <3 awww


I will never forget you.


Hold him close <3

Fizzgig, you are forever in my heart and I hope you are at peace. <3

I love you always <333

Kayla

Halloween, News, Haul, and Updates

HALLOWEEN

I hope everyone had a fabulous Halloween!

Mine was pretty fun. Last Tuesday was pizza night, but this time when we walked into the room there were a bunch of presents on the table. We ended up doing a Halloween "White elephant" type gift exchange, where on your turn you can either open a gift or steal someone else's that they already opened. The first gift I opened was a purple goblet with a spider on the front. I thought it was pretty cool, but then Casey kept stealing it from me and she got it in the end lol. I ended up with a flower glow stick wand, a snake that grows in water, and a crow figure thing. Then my roommate, Matthew, wanted to trade me for the crow. He traded me this weird skeleton thing that you squeeze and its eyes pop out. So yea, that was silly, but it was fun. We all got a bag of candy, as well.

Halloween was great too! My boyfriend is an RA at his college, and they have this "trick-or-treat off the street" thing for kids at the dorms, so they can have a warm, safe place to go trick-or-treating. Each Hall is decorated with a theme, and some are really spooky and cool looking! It's pretty neat. We gave out candy there last year. Anyway, my boyfriend had to help out up there, so I went as well. I was a cow. LOL... I had ordered this dress back in August, without realizing it would kind of remind me of a cow when I wore it. So then I decided why not be a cow for Halloween? I planned out my costume a while ago using Kaboodle, and this was a set I had made a while back. I had the dress, ears, cow print tights, and a bell around my neck.


My boyfriend still needed an idea, though, and one day I was like you could be my Amish farmer! I was sorta joking, but he laughed and that is actually what he ended up being. He had a hat, suspenders, and a genuine beard (although he did have to shave his mustache...he wasn't happy about that at first, but he warmed up to it). Haha.



We had a really good time! A lot of adults and kids said they liked my costume. The little kids were so cute, and there were a lot of really cute and creative costumes. One kid was even an outhouse! Too funny. I helped tell people where to go, took pictures, and even got to be a judge for the hall decoration contest. The prize was a free trip to a hot springs resort, but Jake (boss of the RA's) decided that he will let anyone come who helped out with Halloween! There was also a little costume contest, and Brian and I won "best couple." Pretty much everyone in the contest won something, though. We got a coupon for a free Domino's pizza!

ME, THE RAA

That's a little joke between Brian and I. He calls me his RAA, or RA Assistant (which ends up being Resident Assistant Assistant lol). I have become quite the RAA, if I do say so myself. I have helped him out with some RA duties and have helped out at a few events. Jake might put some of my pictures on to the school's website. He put my pictures from Bowling Night on there already :). Oh, and last Friday was Annie's birthday. Annie works with the RA's and they had decided to take an "Abbey Road" inspired picture for her, since she likes The Beatles. Well guess who ended up taking the picture? Me! It was a cold, cloudy day and it was getting late, so it wasn't exactly the best conditions to be taking pictures in, so it probably didn't come out as good as it could have. I am not a very good photographer, anyway, but it would have helped if they had given me an idea of what exactly they were trying to achieve, because before taking the picture I had never even seen that Beatles' album cover. Jake had a large print of the photo made for her, and I am told that Annie loved it, though, so that's all that matters. Here is a quickly edited version of the picture.
DISCOVERY CHANNEL
I have some really exciting news! Way back when, I mentioned how I signed a license agreement because the Discovery Channel was thinking of using one of my videos in an episode. Well, I guess they really are going to air that episode, because I received my $250 check in the mail! They want to use the Spanky Spangler clips for the show "Destroyed in Seconds." Isn't that cool?!

HAUL


I finally picked up the face wash I have been wanting to get again. I was using the Neutrogena Grapefruit scrub, and it smells so good, but it didn't really do much for my skin. My skin is in this awful stage. I dunno if it has to do with the weather changing, or what, but it breaks out often. I also don't like how my cheeks get really red a lot. It's even worse when I am stressed or anxious. Anyways, when I was living with Brian's mom I tried Neutrogena's Visibly Even foaming cleanser and the moisturizer, and I loved it. It's really creamy and feels good on my skin. It also makes my skin feel a lot softer, and is gentler than the grapefruit scrub. I don't think it's an acne treatment at all, but that's fine with me. It seems like acne washes are too harsh for me and irritate my skin more than they help it. Hopefully this face wash will be better for me. I was running low on my grapefruit scrub, anyway, so I thought I'd buy myself some. It was actually cheaper than the one I was using before. I didn't get the moisturizer yet, though, because it's kind of expensive. I'll get it eventually.

My Covergirl Lashblast mascara ran out, so I also got a new mascara. I wasn't a big fan of lashblast when I first tried it, but I gave it some time and it grew on me. It actually did make my lashes look longer, but it seems like it dried up so fast! I don't remember how long ago I got it, so maybe it wasn't really that short, but it was definitely a lot sooner than my other one. Well, I thought it would be good to try out a different mascara, and I was going to try the waterproof version of Neutrogena's healthy volume, since I liked that one, but I decided to try something completely different. I had heard some good reviews about Loreal's Voluminous, so that is what I ended up getting. I got it in waterproof carbon black.I actually like it a lot. The brush is probably my favorite mascara brush so far. It's just the perfect size and style and it's really easy to use. It goes on smooth and doesn't clump. I wouldn't say it gives you dramatic lashes or anything, but it is great for that more natural, pretty look. It doesn't seem to lengthen my lashes as much as Lash Blast did, but it does give them more volume, which is my preference, anyway.

The last thing I got that day was the Revlon Colorstay eyeshadow "in the buff." My ByLaurenLuke eyeshadows are great, but I wanted some brown shades and more everyday natural colors. I am hoping to get the Coastal Scents 88 warm pallet, but I thought I'd get the little revlon palette for now. It is really nice and it's something I can keep in my purse.

I don't know why, but they were giving out free razors at Brian's school for some reason. So, Brian brought home three Schick quattro women's razors. They come with a decorated travel case, and I think it's really cute. It has hibiscus flowers on it. My favorite! I don't know if the razors are that great, but hey they were free and I will definitely be using the travel cases!


FARMVILLE
I mentioned my farm in the last post, so I thought I would update about my new animals! I adopted a kitty, a turtle and bought a limited edition owl. The Ugly Duckling I adopted turned into a swan! The owl is my favorite! It flies around and perches on its tree.


HOUSE UPDATE

The carpet in our living room still smelled of dog pee, even though it's been professionally cleaned, so my housemates decided to have a wood floor installed instead. The landlord came over and it was finished yesterday. I think it looks good and definitely makes the house look a lot more modern and fresh.

Good Ole' Autumn

Hellooo my peoples! I didn't update as soon as I had anticipated, but oh well. I haven't been doing anything too exciting, just some random things.

Homecoming was a couple weekends ago. This was the extent of my Homecoming spirit lol.

Then, we were at dinner at the college, and we usually grab a few bananas to take home with us. Well, this was the sticker on mine...

You should always listen to bananas! Haha, pretty silly, but it made me laugh. :) Anyways, it was snowing quite a bit in the last few weeks. Most of that is gone now, but it's still pretty chilly out there! I don't mind it too much, though. I was actually really getting into wearing my scarves and warm vests. That's actually something I like about colder weather. Oh, and I loved being able to wear my BOOTS!
I am not really that into shoes, but I can always appreciate a good ole pair of boots. I got these for under $30 at Kohl's two years ago. They have been through a lot (including walking through really deep snow a lot), yet they are still in pretty good condition. This is only the second pair of boots I have owned in my life (besides snowboard boots, and those tacky ones you wear when you're younger). I used to hate boots and was never interested in them. Now I adore them. I got my first pair from Kohl's as well. I really liked them and I was sad when they wore out. They lasted quite a while though, and I did walk a good distance in them every day during the winter. Which is funny, because I think they are designed more for style than winter function, so I really pushed them past their limits. Oh well, they worked fine for me. So anyways, I went right back to Kohl's and was lucky enough to have found these on sale :) They have lasted two years so far, and I am hoping they will make it through another winter! After that I can only hope I'll be able to find another pair that I like. I really like them to have a wedged heel too, because then I can be taller and it makes me feel like I have long legs. Yay boots!

Moving on...I finally gave in after ignoring countless invites, and have started playing Farmville on Facebook. LOL. It's not too bad, actually. I was having fun decorating my farm, and I actually decided to make it into a Fall Festival! You might wanna click on the image to see it closer.

Oh how I miss going to those! Pumpkin patch, hay rides, apple orchard, corn mazes etc...
My farm has a pumpkin patch, spooky forest, apple orchard, milk a cow, face painting, a hay bat, and a wagon ride. Oh and I love this little kitty that pops out of the Jack-O-Lantern!
Last but not least, I really really like this "She was mine" cover. I like some of Alyssa's other covers as well, like "Where I stood." She has a pretty voice :)

No matter where you go, i won't be very far
Cause in my head I'll be right there where you are
Cause love is no distance baby
Love, love has no distance baby
No, not when it comes to you and me
<3Pon and Zi!

Priscilla Ahn is great and I love her song "Wallflower"! This is just a random video that happens to have the song by the way.

That is all for now. I know, very brief and random. I have some other things I want to include, but I think I should save that for after Halloweeeeeen. What are you doing for Halloween? I hope you have a great one!

P.S. Here is a little thing I wrote a couple years ago. I named my blog after it and it was inspired by Autumn :) I wrote it in the Fall during the time when I was really starting to like Brian, but he was over 2,000 miles away.

Like A Breeze

The sun beams are painted across my cheek
my eyes open to a fuzzy illumination
that awakens me into a conscious state
forcing the silhouettes among me to come into focus
I realize the space beside me is empty just like everyday before...
reluctant, I smile anyway
this day anew a promise of an array of smiles
temporary satisfactions
little bits of hope that keep me going
much like bubbles dancing about obliviously
glistening in the light for a while
they all pop inevitably
shadows grow, darkness falls
I lie awake restless with thought
until the night eventually lures me into complacency
I will surrender, but first
empty tears fall, my breath quivering
I am by myself, I am aloneThis routine marks the epitome
of what I had become

broken, hidden, lost

but as the wind whispers through

gently guiding withering leaves to a ground

frosted with the first kiss of autumn

something else comes
entwined in its delicate embrace

unexpected, unfamiliar,
but I feel more alive

like a breeze in my atmosphere

caressing my soul

bringing life to a tranquil scene

now here I lay, just like everyday before

restless with thought

until the night eventually lures me into complacency

I will surrender, but first...

tears fall.....and a smile forms...?

these tears are different

these tears are not empty

I am by myself, I am not alone

-Kayla

Anxiety, Group Meetings, and more Anxiety

*WARNING This post went a lot deeper and more personal than I ever intended, but I still feel the need to post it, regardless. If you do not like long rants about touchy subjects, then you probably shouldn't read this. I promise a much lighter post is coming soon!*

Tonight was pizza night (happens every Tuesday), except this time we met at a church for a barbecue. There were some new faces, and everyone was really nice and the food was good! I can't believe they put that on for us. How nice of them. :) The overall experience was pleasant, but I must say...These group meetings really test my coping abilities as far as my anxiety goes. You wouldn't believe how worked up I get about it, sometimes even days before it happens. My nerves always seem to get to me whenever I remember that it's "pizza night." In my head I am arguing with myself saying things like, "Can you stop already? This isn't a big deal. It's fun and you like seeing everyone." Still this physical reaction persists and I just have to deal with it. It doesn't feel very good. It makes me feel sick, and the feeling can last even hours after I get home. Sometimes I try to think of excuses for why I can't go, just because I don't want to go through that anxiety.

Last week was a perfect example. The week before that was a lot of fun, but there were still times when I had to speak in front of everyone and I was really uncomfortable. Just thinking about that had me worrying that the same thing would be expected every week. I was so worried, that I convinced myself I wasn't going to go. I was going through a lot of unrelated stress already and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with my anxiety on top of that. I even told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like going. Little did I know that he didn't plan on going anyway, because our monthly r/c club meeting was that night as well. I took in a big sigh of relief when I heard that. We did end up going to pizza night for about 15 minutes, though, but that was just long enough to eat and leave, so I didn't encounter as much anxiety that time.

I can't say the same about today's meeting, however. Every week so far we have gone around the room introducing ourselves (because there were always new people) and saying little things about ourselves. Those kinds of things make me really nervous, even if we're just saying simple things like our name, where we're from, or our major. As soon as anyone mentions that we're going to do this, my heart thumps so hard that it feels like you could see it protruding from my chest. My face gets really hot, and it feels like I just got a really bad sun burn. My heart is racing so fast that it's difficult to catch my breath, my mouth gets dry, my throat tightens, and all of this makes the thought of having to speak, more than daunting.

This is a vicious cycle that most likely progressed throughout my life, probably stemming from poor thinking patterns and worry. Perhaps I was afraid that I would say something dumb, or that I would make a fool of myself when I spoke. A lot of people experience this kind of worry, and the logical argument is just to remember that everyone else is probably worrying about themselves as well, so you shouldn't care what others think. If only I had put this lesson to use sooner. However, I did not, and I think that is why it has gotten so bad. My body eventually picked up on that fear and it developed into a physical reaction to those situations. Now I am helpless and it feels like it is out of my control.

This only made matters worse, unfortunately, because now there is that underlying anxiety that will automatically be triggered by any of those situations that I worried about in the past. Except the difference now is, I no longer fear the situation itself. Honestly, I don't care what others think of me. I truly understand all of the rational arguments you could possibly think of, and I have preached those points to myself countless times. The problem is not that I can't rationalize. The problem comes from the fact that my fear has changed in such a way that even rationalization does not help. I fear the anxiety itself, because I know it will happen, and I am not sure that I could just magically make that go away.

It has built up over so many years, that it could very well take just as many years of constant fighting to make it start to fade away. The anxiety makes it physically difficult to speak, and that is what I now fear. It is not, "Oh, I am just too shy to talk in front of people because I am afraid they might judge me." It is more like, "Talking in front of people will trigger this awful physical reaction that will make it difficult to think straight or speak." I cannot stress this enough...It is not shyness, even if it started out that way. Shyness is a personality trait. Social Anxiety is a mental illness. I really don't have a shy personality so much anymore. I am not afraid to express myself. I am not afraid of what other people think. I am not afraid to dress the way I want to dress, and so forth. I follow my own example in life, and I don't just go with the flow because I am afraid to stand out. I am proud to be me.

Thinking back on my life I can see that I have changed in a lot of ways. I think I probably started out as a shy person. I was very hesitant when it came to clothes, and I avoided things that would draw attention, or constitute change. If I got used to wearing my hair a certain way, then I would wear my hair the same way everyday. I didn't like hair cuts because I didn't want to be noticed. I liked being invisible, so to speak. To me, that is what shyness is about. You're afraid to put yourself out there. You're afraid to be looked at or talked about. That is not who I am today. The struggles I face are very different from the ones I faced when I was younger. Some things have gotten better, especially since high school. I think I was both shy and anxious in high school, though the shyness had started to fade by the time I graduated. Since then I have done a lot of things I could only dream of doing back then. I have come out of my shell in a lot of ways. I am not perfect. I can still be shy at times I guess you could say, but for the most part, it is the anxiety that limits me now.

I also experience mind blanks quite a bit, so I lose my train of thought easily, and that also makes it difficult to speak coherently, or to maintain conversations. Even if I am listening to you closely, sometimes it feels like I'm not really processing what you're saying quick enough to fathom an answer... then that results in a delayed response, or me asking you to repeat yourself, even if you spoke clearly enough and I heard what you said. Sometimes I ask people to repeat themselves just to buy myself more time to come up with an answer. I am so consumed by what my body is doing that I can't concentrate on anything else. If you can imagine, this is why I avoid job interviews. I would be so nervous and worrying about my mind going blank. Answering questions on the spot is one thing I really struggle with.

Well, this has certainly turned into a rant... Oh well, it felt good to get this out, and sorry if this is selfish, but I had to do this... for myself.

Anyways, back to the group meetings topic... The funny thing is, I am not required to go to pizza night each week. No one is forcing me to. It is all voluntary, so why don't I just not go? I guess I just don't want to be left out. My boyfriend would probably feel bad going without me, and I wouldn't want him to miss out on that because of me. I don't want to miss out either. I like being a part of something and feeling like I belong. (I also like free food! especially since I am poor!) I have fun, but more importantly, maybe I could start to develop better coping skills.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, "it will get better with time"... I know they all mean well, but that really doesn't help me. For one, I am pretty sure that a realistic time frame for overcoming something like this is a lot longer than they are implying. Life will not wait for me to get better. I am an adult NOW. I have responsibilities NOW and life moves too fast for me to keep up. I can't fight this constantly anyway. It is draining and tiring. Secondly, I have been exposed to these exact situations my whole life, and those are what caused this problem in the first place. Yes, I have better skills and more understanding now, but it's still not as simple as exposing myself to the situations.

I do not think the anxiety will just go away with "practice" (I don't even know how one would practice getting rid of anxiety...), but I do think it is possible to learn better coping skills to deal with the anxiety when it happens. Learning to put your mind somewhere else and to not feed the anxiety with your thoughts and worries. Learning to breathe, relax yourself the best you can, and to speak with confidence even if your body is out of control. And that my friends, is one of the main things that keeps me going to these meetings, despite it all.

Still, I know it's not really good for my health. I took a psychology class a few semesters ago and there was a whole chapter in our psychology book addressing the topic of stress. I know how bad stress can be for you, your body, and your overall health. Everyone experiences stress, that is true. Stress is a normal part of life. However, putting myself in these stressful situations so frequently could very well be doing more harm than good to my body. I truly believe that experiencing this level of anxiety so frequently each day is not normal, nor healthy. I guess I just have to find some sort of balance that's right for me. It is not a good idea to throw myself into stressful situations all the time, but in some situations it could be worth it. I cannot lock myself up hiding from stressful situations, yet I should not have to immerse myself in them, either.

[I should mention that it is not just public speaking that makes me anxious. The list goes on and on, and I also deal with compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and obsessive behavior (much like OCD, although I will not make that self-diagnosis).]

Anywho, I think it is time to wrap this up. I want to end by noting that everyone experiences anxiety sometimes, and everyone gets nervous, but what makes my situation different from the norm is how it intrudes in my life so often. Someone does not necessarily have a disorder just because they possess certain traits or fears. It is considered a disorder when you want to and try to change, but can't. If it is interfering with your daily life and keeping you from doing a lot of things that you want to do. If it is having a significant negative impact on your day to day life and interfering with normal functioning. People with these kinds of disorders often feel very distressed and even debilitated by their illness. The rest of society might perceive them as normal individuals, yet the struggles they go through are extremely complex and suffocating. Mental illnesses are not very well understood by the general population , and that is very frustrating for the people suffering from them.

I am not looking for pity from anyone, nor am I complaining about how horrible my life is. I am grateful for what I have and enjoy my life. I sincerely needed to let these thoughts out and express myself. If I helped someone else in the process, then all the better. I just wish people could be more accepting and understanding of each other. Everyone has problems and it is important to recognize that. My problems are no more significant than your own. Nobody's perfect, and everyone is different. Even people going through the same "problem" do not have exactly the same issues to deal with. Everyone's life experience is different, and there should really be more tolerance in this world. The only way that can happen is to get rid of ignorance. Take the time to learn about each other and this world. People appreciate feeling understood. Open your eyes and truly embrace life for what it is, (like we learned in elementary school) a great big melting pot.

Room Update

Hi, this is will be just a quick post, since I have added a couple things to my room today :)
I have been meaning to get this put together for a while, but didn't get around to clearing the dresser off until now. My boyfriend finally took his TV out, so then there was room!
This was a really simple project. Basically, I just hot glued the dried orchids (which I also used for my candle decorations) to this decorative branch from a craft store.
I had these paper dots that I was originally going to use on the photo collage for my desk, but then I decided not to. Well, I found another use for them lol... The window's plainness was bugging me and I wanted to hang curtains or something, but I also didn't really want to spend money on that...so this is good enough for now :-P

I think it looks nicer now without the TV there. Well that's it for now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful October so far! <3

Hello :)

Hi there!

Wow it has been over a month since my last post... I guess I just didn't think I had much to write about, but I finally made a list and realized I do have a lot I could've said! Go figure. Where to begin... I'll break this post into mini sections, so it's not so cluttered.

ROOM UPDATE
I guess I should update about my room, since that's what my last post was about. I haven't done as much as I initially planned, but I do have two new posters that I really like. They were having a poster sale at my boyfriend's school, so he got me the elephant poster as a surprise :)


Then I got The Dark Crystal movie poster, because well, I have loved that movie ever since I was little! There was actually another one I wanted to get as well, but they are pretty big posters, so I decided one was enough. Someday I really want to get the companion novel World of the Dark Crystal. It is pretty expensive, so I'll probably opt for a cheaper used copy, but I think it would be really neat to read. It is such a unique story and the movie is very strange and unusual, but oh so artistic and beautiful in my opinion. A sequel was supposedly coming out a few years back, but production has been delayed I guess, so it is estimated to be released in 2011. I can't wait to see it, and I am hoping it lives up to the first one.

Kira!
Someday I would love to be a Gelfling for Halloween. A female Gelfling more specifically...wings and all! :) Definitely not this year, but eventually.

FUN STUFF
The good news is that I have been having a lot of fun lately :) Butte is home to the 2nd largest statue in the U.S. She is called Our Lady of the Rockies and she sits atop the mountain known as East Ridge. We had been wanting to venture up there for quite sometime, and every time I would see her lit up at night, I would say to Brian, "I really want to go up there!" So a little over a week ago we finally made reservations for a tour. It was so wonderful and I am glad we went! The driver/guide was really nice and funny, and he actually was one of the guys who helped build the statue.


Visiting this statue was actually on my list of 100 things to do in my lifetime, so I got to check that off and add something new, which is exciting!

Another fun thing that started up again is our weekly pizza night/group meetings. Last school year we had them every Thursday at Gary's (my roommate Matt's pastor) apartment, and we'd just sit around and talk, eat pizza, and watch Cash Cab. Now a woman and her husband run it and we have it every Tuesday in the Chancellor's lounge at the school. There is a lot more room, so quite a few more people come now. We still eat pizza, but we also play games and do activities, so it's something new and different. I do battle with my anxiety when we go, but I try to ignore it and do end up having a lot of fun. Last week we played a card game called Apples to Apples. I had never played that game before, but it is really easy and very fun. Not to mention everyone was being silly and it made the game really hilarious and we could not stop laughing!

Speaking of laughing...Last Thursday we got to go to a free stand-up comedy show with Don Friesen.

He was so funny, and we laughed so much! I will definitely go again next year if we get the chance.

Guess what? It snowed last week, in September!... and it has been getting colder gradually each day. A lot of people would boo that, but I actually don't mind. I can be happy with all kinds of weather, and honestly I was looking forward to being able to wear warmer clothes. I like wearing hoodies, cardigans, warm cozy vests, and jeans. I don't know if the cold will stay, but I am not going to complain about it. I guess I would have complained more if it was like the old days when I had to walk 20 minutes to the bus stop for school, but I don't have to anymore, so it's all good lol.

On another note...Brian and I sometimes go for late night strolls together :) The other night we decided to go for a walk just around town. We came across these two adorable kittens and we stopped and petted them for a bit. Then we got up to continue our walk, but we heard little jingles behind us and knew it was from the kittiens' collars...We were being followed! Those silly kittens followed us all the way home! It was cute, but they had me so worried because they were walking across busy streets and I didn't want them to get hurt or lost. Since they did follow us all the way home, we were able to drive them back to where we found them, which really helped for my own peace of mind. They were a little confused about being in the car, but they were fine :) and I am glad we did that.

Hmm what else...
The new seasons of House and Dexter have started, yay! The premier of House was really good. It was like it's own little movie (not to mention it was about as long as a movie), which I liked a lot. Then the second episode was more back to normal, but still twisted and complicated a bit. Dexter is off to an interesting start as well, and I am looking forward to the next episode!


PLANS
Well, well, well...over the summer I was jogging every now and then to lose some weight. I told myself I would do it everyday possible...However, typical me doesn't really stick to anything. It's easy for me to start things, but I always stop eventually, and that is my problem. I was able to lose 10 pounds in the short time that I did stick to it everyday, but I definitely could have put more effort in. So, instead of making a promise I know I will probably break, I will just say this...
I am going to start jogging again, and maybe even start my ab-workouts again too. I will try to do it every weekday for as long as I am able to stay motivated. I might weigh myself now and then, but I don't really care that much about losing pounds. Instead, this time I would really like to focus on losing inches from different parts of my body. I want to feel more in shape and to look better in my clothes :) But I think my main motivation is going to be to be able to look wonderful in my anniversary dress.

Anniversary dress you say? Hehe yes ;) I can't give too much away right now, but December 15th is going to be our 2 year anniversary (dating) and I think it will be fun to celebrate a bit. I might write about that more in another post sometime, but I think it's too soon right now...but I am looking forward to it!

My younger cousin, Kelli, is getting married in December btw! It is going to be in upstate New York, so I am not sure if I will be able to go...but if some good fortune happens and I am able to go, I can wear the anniversary dress I'm planning on getting. Now this is all assuming I do not stay extremely broke! My financial aid is being confusing again, but I am hoping everything will be fine with that. I don't know why it wouldn't be, but for some reason it is not showing up right online and just being a pain like that. We'll see.

SCHOOL
I am taking two online classes this semester. Society & Environment in History and Website Development. I am really enjoying them, actually! I have learned a lot so far, and I actually really enjoy doing my Website Development homework. We started making this mini website, and each week we add to it using what we learned that week. It's a really good way to practice what we learn and it makes it a lot easier to understand everything. Especially with all the XHTML and CSS coding we are doing, practice makes perfect. Our final project is going to be to make a website about whatever we want, and it is going to be challenging, but I am looking forward to it :)

The fact that I enjoy my courses has really made me realize that I won't ever regret college. Every single class I have taken thus far has been valuable to me in some way. I have taken a variety of classes and have had lots of different experiences and learned a lot. It is very rewarding. Even if I never end up with a degree, or if I do but don't use that degree, at least I won't feel like I wasted time or money. I actually didn't have to pay anything from my own pocket for school. Grants always covered my full tuition. I do have quite a few loans, but I took those out by choice, and it is because of that and school that I was able to do a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to otherwise, unless I was working a lot, which I wasn't ready for.
So, in that sense, college has only had a positive impact on my life so far. It feels good to be able to say that now, because I used to doubt that. I kept thinking I was wasting time and money on this and I might not ever have much to show for it. Then I really thought about it and realized I haven't really wasted anything at all, and I have certainly gained a lot.

Now that I think about it, that wouldn't really have been true if I was able to go to a school in Montana, like I had planned. Then I would have had loans that were being used towards my education, so then I would feel obligated and pressured to attain and use that degree, or else what was the point? Maybe it wasn't meant to be, for that very reason. I don't know...but whenever something not so good happens in my life, after some time goes by I am able to look back and see the positives that came from it. I don't know if that makes the bad times okay, but it makes it a lot easier to move on without regrets. With each step i take, I discover new possibilities which makes me realize that it's not always about failing or succeeding. No matter what I do or don't do, life is a journey and every moment counts for something. You can't fail at life. For me, that little thought makes it all okay. :)
Essex Jct., VT Fall 2007 By Kayla Wood