Thursday, August 27, 2009

My Own Room

Hi again,

It's been a bit since I last posted, so I thought I would update you on what's been going on for the past week or so. As you know, my boyfriend Brian is an RA (resident assistant) for the college freshmen that live in the overflow apartments. I will tell you, it is....interesting...being an RA's girlfriend. He is so busy, and it's not like a regular job where at least you know their hours and when they'll be done working. It's pretty much a 24/7 on-call type job. He never knows when he is going to have to help with this or go do that. It's frustrating at times, but I'm proud of him and I know it's a good experience for him. I just wish the freshmen didn't need a constant babysitter, because on weekends he can't really leave his apartment, unless his roommate Justin is there. His roommate likes to go fishing on weekends, so I dunno how often he'll be there either. That stinks because he's busy with classes, RA duties, and homework during the week, and I was hoping we would at least have the weekend to go do something fun together. Oh well, I shouldn't complain. At least I am in the same State and town as him this fall. That's a first! I should be grateful.

Anywho, last weekend was pretty fun. We went to the rc club opening event and it was pretty neat. We bought a few raffle tickets hoping to win the $200 Slash, but we didn't win it. At least a little kid won though. Brian did win an airbrush set, some tools, and spray paint though, so that was cool. I am glad that the soda was free too!There's Brian about to start a Slash race on the short course track. It was definitely fun, but I got sooo dirty and really needed a shower after. Also, we were outside in the hot sun for 8 hours, so I got pretty sunburned. Not good.

Brian's 21st birthday was Monday! I had so much fun wrapping his presents. I wrapped two of the gifts and then wrapped those together multiple times in wrapping paper, aluminum foil, bags, and even duct tape haha! The look on his face as he was opening it was priceless LOL! I got him some parts for his rc car, because that's what he really wanted. I also got him a new body for it that he can paint himself. The only problem is that they sent the wrong one. It had the right label on it, but it was definitely the wrong body. It was too big and made for a different type of rc car. The good thing about that though, is that they are going to send the right one AND he gets to keep the other one. The one he has now is actually worth more than the one he was supposed to get, so if he sells it then that's basically like getting the body for free for his car and making a profit! Kind of cool how that worked out. I also did a painting for him and he really loves it, so I'm glad. I put a lot of time into it and I really enjoyed making it for him.

His birthday was on the freshmen orientation day, so we couldn't have a big celebration or anything, but we still had a good time. We got to go to a free movie at the drive-in theater! It had been a really long time since I'd done that, so it was coooool. Then after that we had some Oreo pie instead of a birthday cake (his choice). It was pretty yummy. I also got to spend the night at his place =]

So yea, since Brian doesn't live here any more, I have my own room! It's bittersweet though. I would much rather have him here, of course, but I have to look at the bright side. I get to have my own space, to decorate how I like and do as I please. I plan to keep it a lot more tidy than it used to be, and slowly over the next few weeks I will be organizing and decorating it. One thing I already did was organize my closet and dresser. I had clothes in a pile on the floor and stuffed in the drawers and at the bottom of the closet, and this is a big no-no now! I hung up almost all of my clothes, and I arranged the tops according to sleeve type. It goes tank tops, vests, short sleeves, 3/4 sleeves, long sleeves. And in each little category I somewhat organized them by color. It's not that I am overly organized or anal like that or anything. I actually did it to try to prevent my disorganized tendencies. I can be pretty messy, and I really don't like it, especially since my room is so small as it is. It really does not help to be cluttered. I am determined to make sure everything has it's place and that everything goes back in it's place when I'm not using it. The way I have my closet set up makes it SO much easier for me to find what I need or to put together an outfit. It also really motivates me to hang things back up because it's easy to find the hanger it was on, since I know right where it should go.

I also organized my desk somewhat.

I still have to organize my books, make it look nicer, and some of Brian's things are still on it, but it looks much better than it did with Brian's stuff scattered everywhere. Bless his heart, but he had way too much stuff on there lol. I am in the process of making a little photo collage for the background of one of the cubby areas on the desk. I put some purple paper there, so I'm going to glue on some black and white photos I printed. I hope it will look good. Even if it doesn't look that amazing, I love pictures and having them there to look at will be nice, so I'm sure I'll love it anyway. Another really simple and pretty thing I decided to do was this:

I just put a candle on a decorative plate with some rocks around it and then a few dried flowers from a craft store. I think it's a really easy way to add some color :) I ordered everything from an online craft store, except the plates. Brian and I went to Walmart yesterday to find some candle plates. They had a few in the candle section, but they weren't really what I was looking for and they weren't exactly cheap enough either. So, I was thinking we weren't going to find anything at Walmart, but then Brian happened to notice some (I think it was a kitchen accessories section?) that were nice and only $1 each =] woohoo. Those are some of the things I've done so far, but I have a few more ideas in mind as well. My mom sent me my down comforter and it should be here in a few days. I also have a duvet cover for it that got shipped out a couple days ago, so who knows when that will get here. I hope soon! I want to make a bunch of paintings for my walls, but I don't want to start until the duvet cover gets here, so I can match the colors from my bed into my paintings. I think it would help tie everything together, so it doesn't look so random and clashy in here.

Another thing I'd been wanting to do was to figure out a better way to store or display my head bands. For now, they are hidden away in a wooden box, and I don't really like that. They don't fit in there very well and they always end up tangled together and I make a mess trying to get the one out that I want. I thought maybe some sort of wall hanger for them would be good, but I couldn't really find anything that I like and I didn't want to spend a lot of money on it. So, I looked up some ideas online for ways to make your own headband holders, and I really liked the oatmeal container idea. (sort of like this....)
I have some decoupage glue so I could easily take any kind of pretty paper and decoupage that onto an oatmeal container (the cylinder kind) and then put all my headbands on that. It's cool because you can also store things inside the container. You could also put fabric around a paper towel roll, which looks nice, but I like the idea of being able to put things inside the headband holder as well, so I might try the oatmeal version. I'll try that out and then let you know how it went! I am going to go to goodwill sometime as well and see if I can find anything there that might look good in my room =]

I am excited for decorating! yay! It's definitely going to be very simple and nothing drastic, but I think it will be much more feminine than it was, and much more me <3

Friday, August 14, 2009

I Will Love You Tomorrow

Hi there,

I'm all alone for the weekend and I'm getting pretty lonely, so I thought I might as well write an entry. It's kind of like talking to people, right? Well maybe not quite, but it's all I've got at the moment. Anyway, Brian left for his RA retreat yesterday morning, and he won't be back until Sunday, so it's just me in this practically vacant house. I like a little alone time now and then, but it definitely takes some getting used to, especially when you know it's going to be for awhile. The nights are the worst. I am so used to having someone there next to me to cuddle up with. It feels so strange sleeping alone. Actually, I shouldn't use the word alone. I have to say to myself, "You are not alone...just by yourself for now." None of us are ever really alone. There is always someone out there going through the same thing as us, and more than likely there is someone thinking of us and loving us. That thought gives me strength.
It's those little things that keep me going even through the rough times. This week has been a little bumpy, and I have found myself relying on those simple comforts a bit more than usual. For example, the night before Brian left I was thinking ahead. You see, every night before we fall asleep, we do this special goodnight kiss routine. It's sort of like a secret handshake, except, well, it's a kiss of course. It's simple and sweet, and I love it. Little routines like that comfort me, but I guess the down side is that when it doesn't or can't happen, it bothers me. I am like a child in that way. I knew I would probably have a hard time falling asleep on my own without my goodnight kisses, so to help ward off depression, that night I had Brian give me all the goodnight kisses I would miss when he was gone. It's silly, but priceless.
I remember when Brian and I had to have a long-distance relationship, he would always give me a sweet goodnight call each night. We'd talk for a while, and then he would always end the call with something a long the lines of "I love you so much, and I will love you tomorrow. Sweet dreams." Those words meant so much to me, especially since words were the basis of our relationship at the time. We couldn't hug and kiss each other or look into each other's eyes for reassurance. At the time, words were more important than ever. And at that time, I was struggling with worrisome thoughts. For some reason I was so afraid to go to sleep at night, and I'm not really sure why. I just wanted to stay on the phone with him all night, and I didn't want to have to endure the darkness on my own. Perhaps I didn't like the uncertainty the next day brings. After many difficult nights, one night before saying goodnight, I asked him, "Will you love me tomorrow?" I am not one of those people that expects a promise of "forever". I could never ask you to love me forever, for that would make me naive, but if you know you'll love me tomorrow, that is enough for me and that's all I could ever ask for.
From that night on, I asked him that very question every night during our goodnight call, and eventually I didn't even have to ask, he would just say it to me. It was empowering, for more than just the promise of love... I drew strength from those words because they reminded me that everything would be okay. Yes, we can never know what tomorrow may bring, but we have to move forward anyway. A new day is a new beginning, and it's so refreshing to wake up with a smile on my face.
Love,
Kayla

P.S.
Speaking of smiles...I'm not sure how to describe the joy I felt last night when I rediscovered an old "buddy" of mine.
This is Squirrel! Yes, I know..you're probably wondering, "A toy alligator?...okay..." Haha well yep. Last summer on our trip to white sulphur springs, I found him in one of the pools. I decided to keep him as a souvenir and an inside joke of sorts. I had kept him in one of my bags for a while, but then one day I couldn't find him. I remember turning that bag inside out trying to figure out where it went, with no luck. Just last night I was looking in that very same bag for a pencil sharpener and I came across Squirrel and my Ipod Shuffle I had been looking for. Well go figure! They were right in there all along... This morning I snapped that pic with my cell phone and sent it to Brian saying "Hellooooooo". He replied, "You found him?! Squirrel!" That made me giggle. =] So hooray! Me and my swimming buddy have been reunited! LOL...I'm way too sentimental. ;)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A New Perspective

I came across this article, and I must say, it offers an interesting perspective on college. The author explains it so well. The things he says are things I guess I already knew, but just didn't know how to put into words:

"I got the idea for this article after overhearing a conversation the other day between two teenagers. One was arguing that getting a degree was the only way to get a good job to make good money and the other was arguing that getting a degree wasn’t necessary in today’s day and age in order to make good money.

I’m sure you or someone you know have had this debate at least once and I think it’s one that’s becoming louder and louder with each new generation.

One side drags the income chart out and points to the statistics of bachelor degree holders earning way more than high school graduates

The other side then gestures to famous high school or college dropouts and the successes they’ve had, proudly pointing out that they didn’t need degrees to succeed and that they had college graduates working for them.

One side is proud to claim themselves as “well rounded” for the education they received at university.

The other side points out that what they learned in school doesn’t really help or apply in the “real world.”

The two seem to be endlessly at war, each countering the other’s arguments, dragging the debate to the point where there seems to be no clear winner. Every side seems to have its own pros and cons.

So let’s sort this whole mess out and discover the true value of a college degree and see if it is really worth it in this day and age.

Ever since we were little, we were told college was the answer by our teachers and our parents. We were put on the college conveyor belt. It would give us the good life. It would get us the job and we would make good money because of it.

And they were right.

If they said that to us thirty years ago.

The idea that a college degree alone will help you in life today is obsolete.

Back in the day, everything that was said about getting a degree was true. If you had a degree, you separated yourself from the pack. Not many people were able to get degrees because not many people were able to afford college. It was normally reserved for the rich or upper middle class. And that’s precisely why the degree was so valued,

It was valued because it was scarce.

Scarcity creates value.

Nowadays, more and more people are going to college and in turn, a lot of degrees have been handed out so the scarcity of a college degree has dropped.

For every job opening there is, you have a hundred applicants, all with degrees. What’s going to separate them from one another?

The value of a college degree has declined.

But is there some value left?

The answer is yes.

Here’s the thing that a lot of people overlook when having the degree debate. Most people are only thinking of college in terms of a vehicle that gets them a good job after they graduate.

They fail to realize the other benefits of going to college, aside from getting a job, that are intangible. Things like finding a marriage partner, making life long friends, making good contacts, networking with classmates and professors, the college life itself, exposing yourself to a broader scope of education, developing analytical and critical thinking skills, etc.

If you’re spending tens of thousands of dollars on an education, you might as well get the most out of it because after all, it is an investment on your part.

Unfortunately, according to the rules of society, or the system, whatever you like to call it, having a college degree does open a lot of doors and that’s just the way it is.

If you don’t have a degree, your employment options are significantly reduced. Getting a college degree is important if you want to open up your possibilities in terms of employment. Ask any job recruiter and you’ll see just how important having that degree on your resume is in that respect.

Why that is so, I have no idea. That’s just the way the system is set up and that’s how the game is played unfortunately.

A college degree also serves as a hammer that will help you break the glass and salary ceiling in corporate America. It’s very hard to get into management in Corporate America without a degree and it’s very hard to get past a certain salary level without a degree as well.

Why this is so? Again. It beats me. That’s just how the system is set up. And it’s too bad some companies play by those rules.

But amidst all this talk of a college degree opening doors, high salaries, intangible benefits, there is one major drawback of getting a degree. What is that?

Debt.

They always forget to include that don’t they? But some may say it’s a good investment because you get a high paying job so you can easily pay it off.

But remember, that was then. What about now?

It is precisely this factor of high debt coupled with the dropped value of a college degree in today’s day and age that has led to and sparked the debate of “degree vs. no degree”.

Because the value of a degree has dropped, many college graduates are having hard time finding work. They don’t have experience or marketable skills. Just a degree. So they can’t get that high paying job they want.

Meanwhile, it’s time to pay the piper and more often than not, those monthly payments on the loans they took out are pretty high. Couple that with the fact that credit card companies prey on college kids and the materialistic attitude of today’s generation which contributes to another high monthly bill and you’re looking at Generation Debt.

These college grads have to pay the bills, so they get any kind of job they can to pay the bills, even if it seems “beneath” them.

People on the outside point to this and say: “Aha! That degree you got was useless. Look where it got you. You’re working in a dead end job.”

And the college graduates of course feel the need to defend their investment in college and thus the war starts.

I think in this day and age, there’s a lot of post college disillusionment. Hence, the new phrase - “quarter life crisis” (a sort of mid life crisis for 20 and 30 year olds)

College students graduate with no job lined up because they were still living according to the rules of the past. They thought the all powerful degree would magically open the doors of employment for them.

Meanwhile, there are bills that need to be paid and they can’t get the jobs they want because they have no marketable skills or experience, so they get stuck in less than ideal jobs in order to pay those bills. They can’t seem to break free from those jobs out of fear of not being able to pay the bills and they can’t break into the job they want because they have no experience or skills. A viscous cycle indeed.

The college dreams have failed them. They’ve become disillusioned.

What’s worse is when they don’t even know what they want to do.

They had this path laid out before them ever since they were young but nobody tells them what to do exactly after they graduate. Just marry, buy a house in the suburbs, and have 2.5 kids but nobody fills them in on the financial or career details.

They realize they’ve been had. That what they were told in high school about college was all a lie.

It wasn’t a lie.

It was just an outdated message.

Students need to wake up. Just having a degree alone isn’t going to cut it in today’s day and age.

Real world marketable skills and experience are the things being left out and those are the things that are scarce and will start to differentiate one person from another. These things comprise of the new “degree”.

Now let’s tackle those who argue that a college degree isn’t worth it these days.

The argument they use most often is the “Look at Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. They dropped out of college and look at them now.”

Before I go any further, I want to make something perfectly clear. You don’t need a college degree. But can it help? Of course it can. We just discussed the benefits.

But let me say this to those who use the Bill Gates/Steve Jobs argument.

People like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are the exception, not the rule.

And you have to realize that they DID go to college. They did. And who knows if the experiences they had in college shaped their future and contributed to their success.

That’s what happened with Steve Jobs. He got the idea for Apple’s typography after popping into a calligraphy class at college. That’s another benefit of college. It exposes you to a whole new world of ideas that might help you later on in the future.

Of course there are those who never went to college and succeeded. What do I have to say to that?

For every person who makes it even though they dropped out or never went to college, there are thousands who don’t.

Then, there’s a third angle that’s not often mentioned in school today but I figure will soon gain a lot of momentum and that is vocational schooling.

Vocational schooling mostly trains you directly for a specific job. Welder, plumber, electrician, etc. The truth is, these types of blue collar jobs pay just the same, if not more than the jobs that can be obtained with a bachelor’s degree. The only reason why most people don’t go for these types of jobs is the lack of “prestige”.

But let me tell you something about prestige. It’s highly overrated. Most people spend their whole lives trying to impress other people at the expense of their own happiness and that’s ludicrous. People who do this often feel “empty” because they are living a life dictated by the opinions of others. They are in effect, a slave to other’s opinions of themselves.

So let’s answer the question once and for all.

Is getting a college degree worth it these days?

The answer is:

It depends on what you want to do.

I know everyone wants a definitive yes or no answer but the truth is, it really does depend on what you want to do.

If you want to become an electrician, vocational school is the answer so a degree isn’t worth it to you.

If you want to become a doctor or lawyer, then of course a degree is worth it to you.

If you want to start your own business, and you have a solid plan with capital, then you might think getting a degree isn’t worth it to you right now.

But therein lays the problem.

Most of our high school students have NO idea what they want to do.

And because they don’t know, they just go along with the “go to college plan”. They do it because it’s the thing to do. So they enroll as an undeclared major, party and waste time, then major in a liberal arts major, graduate, can’t get a job because they have no experience or skills, meanwhile the debt is piling up so they get any job they can to pay the bills and they throw their hands in the air and proclaim that the system has failed them, becoming disillusioned with their lives in the process.

If high school students start taking the time to think about their future and what they want to do, they can choose their direction accordingly and avoid a lot of potential problems down the road.

I think that part of the problem here is that there is too much of a “Go to college or else you’ll fail in life” mentality being preached in our schools today.

It’s dangerous to hold that belief because you block out all other options.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think going to college and getting a degree is a great investment, but only for the right reasons.

Now in an ideal world, high school kids will seriously think about their futures and plan accordingly, but let’s face it, most students don’t.

They’re more interested in looking cool, or playing World of Warcraft or buying the latest gadgets.

The problem here is that our educational system is outdated.

It needs to be updated in order to accommodate the times we live in today and help kids realize that there are other options other than going to college, depending on what they want to do.

But the problem is again, most of them don’t know what they want to do.

One way to do that is to offer more career counseling and “real world” skill training in our high schools and colleges so that kids can be exposed to more career opportunities and choose their paths accordingly. You need that to bridge the gap because students are not going to do it on their own because they don’t realize how important that is yet.

Another big trap people delude themselves into thinking that once they choose a path, they can’t go back.

If you decide to start your own business after high school but realize entrepreneurship is not for you and you want to become a lawyer instead, you can always go back and get that degree.

If you graduate with a degree, but can’t get the job you want, it doesn’t mean you’re screwed. You can always develop skills and experience to get that job or you can always get that job through other means such as networking, or you can even start your own business

Or if you decide that a white collar job is not for you, and you want a more hands on experience job, you can always enroll in vocational school and become an electrician instead.

All I want to say is that a degree IS worth it, for the right reasons, and provided that you maximize your investment in college to help give you that edge that will differentiate yourself from all the other people who have the same degrees.

This includes getting experience, developing marketable and cross marketable skills, paying off as much tuition as you can so you don’t graduate with a lot of debt, making valuable networking contacts, landing internships relevant to your field, etc.

Unfortunately it is true that “the system” is set up to open more doors and higher salaries for those with degrees, but the fact remains, it’s always up to you. If you want to get in those doors and get those salaries then get that degree.

But if you want to go through a different door that doesn’t require a degree that offers the same salary or higher salary or lower salary, then go for it, because that’s the door YOU want to go through.

A college degree isn’t the only investment you can make that can open up more doors and get you more money.

There’s another investment you can always make and that’s YOU.

Develop yourself to you full potential. Learn how to sell yourself and your ideas. Be the best person you can be. Learn how to communicate, socialize, and connect with all kinds of people. Learn how to negotiate with other people. Learn how to get the information you need. Learn computer skills.

Getting through the doors you want to go through will largely be a result of these kinds of investments you make in yourself , not just having that piece of paper.

I think we need to stop instilling the idea that college is the answer to everything and instead, encourage our young ones to look within first.

Help them discover what kind of work they want to do. What kind of lifestyle they want to live. Maybe work isn’t even that important to them so much as spending time with their families.

Whatever it is, they should decide what they want to do and choose their actions accordingly, whether that’s just getting a job out of high school, going to college to get a degree, getting some vocational training, or starting their own business.

Regardless of whatever path you choose, always remember that the best investment you can make is always in yourself, because after all, it always begins and ends with YOU."


As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been SO confused about my future and what I want to do with my life. Because of my financial situation, I have decided to stop pursuing my Bachelor's Degree for now. Is it going to be a permanent thing? I am not sure. Am I going to finish up my Associate's instead? Am I just going to enter the work force? Am I ready for that? These are all questions I have yet to answer for myself, and only I can answer them. No one can tell me what to do, because no one knows what I want. Heck, I don't even know what I want. After reading this article titled "Is Getting a College Degree Worth it These Days", I realize that is precisely my problem. Not knowing what I want has caused me so much confusion and has caused me to go in circles, wasting time and money. Actually I don't feel like I wasted too much time and money. Every class I have taken, I have learned a lot from and I have had priceless experiences. Also, school was paid for, for the most part. The few loans I have taken out so far have allowed me to do the things I wanted to do at the time, and so I guess it was worth it.

Still, I do feel like I jumped into the college scene without thinking twice. It just seemed like the right thing to do. It's what my family wanted me to do. It's what we were told was best in High School. It's what society says to do. How can you argue with that? At the time it was what I wanted to do as well, but I change my mind so much. One moment I will be set on a decision, and the next I'm in a completely different mindset. I think the author of this article makes a good point, that many of us pursue a college degree for the wrong reasons. We just assume having the degree is going to get us a job. That is so not true. If you know what you want to do, and you get experience in that area, then yes, the degree will be beneficial, but otherwise it might just bury you in debt and make things more difficult for you. That is what I'm worried about. So far, my college experience has been beneficial to me and nothing can take that away. But now I am at the end of the line, and the decisions I make from here on out can affect my future in a big way. If I continue going to school just for the heck of it, with no real goal in mind, without gaining experience and working on myself, then I will be essentially digging myself into a hole. My efforts will have been in vain. If I don't know what is right for me, then I should not just continue blindly down this path. I have a feeling that would be a very unwise thing to do.

Blah

Well yesterday was not a very good day...

I had went up to the college on Friday to work out some financial aid stuff and I was given a list of things I had to do and was told to come back on Monday to finalize everything. I went home Friday and got everything done that day and I was feeling pretty good about it, since I had been trying to get it all worked out for practically the whole summer. I finally felt some relief...but that was short-lived.

On Monday, I returned to the school and met with this really nice lady. She even moved my papers to the top of the pile to make the whole process pretty much instant. Everything was going smoothly, until she called up the PLUS loan people. They said my mom had been denied for the parent loans, which wasn't such a big deal, because I was expecting that. I knew my Stafford loans would be able to increase, since my mom was denied the other loan.

What I did not know was that the Stafford loan would not increase enough...not even enough to cover my tuition. I still owed a couple hundred dollars and was not going to be getting any kind of refund for living expenses and books. The lady was very sympathetic, but she could not help me in anyway. She said she wished she could just make it higher. My need was several thousand dollars higher than what they were offering me in financial aid. Honestly, I don't understand how that happens. The financial aid should meet the need, even if it means more loans. The world is just difficult like that I guess. It can't be easy. It can't just make sense. (I had to come back and correct myself here...the world is actually really simple and beautiful...it is society...people who have made it so complicated...but I won't go into that....)

My only option was to take out a private loan, so as soon as I got home I looked into it. I applied for a few of those loans, but at the end of each application it said I needed a cosigner. Well, that was out of the question.... so I spent the day wondering, what now? What am I supposed to do? What can I do? I guess I could have just paid the few hundred dollars to be enrolled at the college and then got a job to cover living expenses and books, but I dunno, that would have been so ify. The more I thought about it, the less I liked the idea of being tens of thousands of dollars in debt from student loans. I felt like I was digging myself into a hole that I'd never be able to get out of. I really don't like that feeling.

So what are my other choices then? I looked into UVM, but the financial aid they were offering didn't look too good either. Most of the grants I used to get from them were replaced by loans, and one of those being a PLUS loan, which I already know I can't get. So, my last resort was looking into CCV again. I have been taking online classes through there for a few semesters, and it always worked out really great. The problem with that though is that it does nothing as far as earning my bachelor's degree. I am a few classes away from an associate's in Liberal Studies through them, but what good is that really? Better than nothing I guess? I was so set on getting my Bachelor's. I had finally made up my mind. I finally had a plan, but it all got turned to crap! It is so frustrating. It seriously feels like one step forward, two steps back. Am I not meant to get my dang degree? Why is it so difficult for me to complete it? Why has it taken so long! This should have been my final year of college. I should have a bachelor's in Zoology. I guess it's no one's fault but mine....

I screwed up that semester at UVM. Everything could have been perfect, but I messed up. I was getting enough grants to cover my full tuition and to get a couple thousand dollars in refund each semester. It was amazing, and I threw it all down the drain. I could have graduated college, not in debt like most students, but over 8 grand ahead! What an awesome start to my life that would have been. I seriously messed it up. Why did I do that? What is my problem? Why do I change my mind so much? I really don't have the answers.... the only thing I know is that it just didn't feel right at the time. I get so confused, and I can't decide what the right thing for me is. I still have no idea! So many times I thought I knew, and I was so sure I would make it happen, but then it just falls apart. In an instant, it's gone.

I cried so much yesterday. I felt so helpless and lost. I felt so stupid and pathetic. Everything that happens to me is my own doing, isn't it? Do I sabotage myself? I am starting to think it might be so. How can I stop that? Why is it so easy for some people, but so hard for others? I know people who just shine success. Everything they do turns out good and their life just falls into place...into perfect harmony. My life on the otherhand, is not so simple. It's full of mazes and puzzels and I can't quite fit the pieces together to find the right path. I can't decide what to do. Is college not the right answer for me? I know people who do just fine without a college degree. I know it is possible to get a job you love and that pays well without having to aquire massive debt first. I know people who are glad they didn't go to college. I can understand that. I just don't know what I would do then. What kind of job would I get? I am so terrified that I won't be able to get a job. My anxieties have kept me from that so far. Why do I assume it'll be any different in a year or two?

Well, my boyfriend wants me to go play in the sprinkler lol, so I'll be back in a few to continue this...

I'm back! That was fun =] and a nice break from all of this thinking. It's simple moments like those that make life worth living. I love my boyfriend so much. I love spending time with him and he really makes me happy. I am so grateful to have him in my life, and he is one of the few things that I am sure of in my life. I feel bad though, because he thinks he is the reason my college life has gone down hill. He thinks it's his fault that I left UVM. He thinks if it wasn't for him I would still be going there. I told him it definitely had nothing to do with him. I would probably be in the same situation even if he wasn't part of the equation. He has actually made life so much better for me. I am not lonely or depressed like I used to be. If it wasn't for him, I probably would have been too depressed to go back to school at all. I was ready to quit completely and he was the one who encouraged me to apply at CCV, and to not give up. He is the reason I am in Montana though, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It has been difficult school-wise, since I'm an out-of-stater, but if I could go back and do it again, I would still move out here. I have no regrets as far as that goes. I would not trade the times we have had together for anything! No use looking back and wondering what if anyway. The past is for memories and learning from mistakes, nothing more. I have to stay focused on the now and the future.

The now.... well I still am not quite sure what to do. The plan right now is to take a couple online classes at CCV this semester and get a job to start saving up. After that I could finish up to get my associate's degree or just start working. I do want my Bachelors, but at this point it just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. Would quiting school make me a failure? That's how society would see me, right? Is that how my family would see me? Would they be disappointed? Does it even matter? I am not sure. It's my life and in the end I think all that matters is that I did what I wanted to do. The problem is I don't really know how to explain what I want. I think I know what I want. I have a vision. I just don't know how to make it come true. I am afraid I will disappoint myself. I think I really need to sit down and think this all through. No more wasting time going in circles. I need to be realistic. I need a plan. I need to stick to it. I need to start making my dreams come true! Taking a deep breath...here goes...

What do I have to do? Why can't this hurt be through? I'm going head unto something I know I will fail.

[On a lighter note, the guy from the Discovery Channel called me today! He got the dvd we sent and wanted to confirm with me that I own the videos. So far so good :) I still think it's really cool!]

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Ramble

Hi there! It's been a while since I've last posted, but that is because I have been out of town and have had a lot going on lately. Brian and I headed to Great Falls for a few days at the end of July. We went to the Montana State Fair, which was pretty fun. We didn't go on any rides this year, but that's okay because there was plenty to do. Looking at the exhibits and watching the shows filled up the whole day for us! I even got picked to go onstage during the mental illusionist show. I was an unwilling participant at first, but as soon as I got up there I was all smiles and just went with it. I was nervous at first, but then I told myself that everyone was there to enjoy themselves, so who cares? :) The fair is definitely one of those yearly traditions you have to do...well I think you should at least. It doesn't matter where I am. I like to go to at least one fair each year. This year I even got to have a funnel cake. I wasn't sure if they had those in Montana, because Brian didn't even know what it was lol. He had heard of fry bread, but not fried dough or funnel cakes....how odd! There was one thing I wanted to do, but didn't, and that was to get a henna tattoo. I got one at my UVM orientation a few years ago, and I thought it would be cool to see if I could find a henna booth at the fair. We did see one, but I didn't have much money on me, so we didn't bother checking out the price. Oh well, maybe next year.

Wood Lake, Montana

We also went camping again, but for a week this time. It was my first time at Wood lake, which is a little ways from Augusta. It seems like Montana has a lot of lakes, but some of them are rather small, and I'd feel more inclined to call them large ponds. I guess that's just because I am used to Lake Champlain from back east. That's a pretty big lake, which is funny because it was almost going to be considered the 6th great lake, but then they decided it is way too small compared to the other great lakes. Wow! But it's true. Looking at a map, Lake Champlain looks like a tiny sliver compared to those lakes. I would love to visit them someday. I might have seen one already, but I don't remember it. Anyway, Wood lake is a cute little lake. It looks so serene at dusk, especially as the sun sets and reflects on the water. I always enjoy camping much more if there is some sort of water nearby, be it a creek, a river, a lake, or whatever. I just love water! So, I certainly appreciated wood lake.
Wood Lake, Montana

At first I wasn't even sure I was going to go camping. I was feeling very sick a couple days before we went, but I decided to just deal with it and go anyway. The first day and night was miserable, but Brian's family was very nice to me, which really helped keep my spirits up. I was pleasantly surprised, because you never know what to expect with them. I thought they would drive me nuts with sarcasm or something. But nope, I seriously got treated like a princess lol, and they were willing to do anything for me. Being sick has it's perks sometimes I guess. In a way, it was kind of a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I DREAD being sick and I've been sick so much this summer, and I'm really fed up with it. It was pretty much one thing after another since i had strep in April. But being sick did keep them off my back a little, and things went a lot more smoothly than last year's camping trip.


Despite not feeling well at times, I was able to enjoy nature's little wonders. We found a few frogs, and if you know me at all, then you know that I absolutely adore those critters. Catching frogs was a childhood passion, and I still carry that with me today. Although, I'm much more gentle and considerate of the frogs now. I try not to disturb them too much. We also saw lots of birds, and even some little ducklings! I had my binoculars with me, so I was able to observe all the wildlife as I pleased. My favorite part was probably hearing the owl at night. Even though we didn't actually see one, it was nice just knowing it was near. I am not real familiar with Montana's wildlife, so I'm not sure exactly what owl species live here, but it kind of sounded like a barred owl to me. They are so beautiful! There were a few barred owls that lived near us in Vermont and I would see one now and then just sitting on a tree branch in the middle of the day. That's one of the things I miss about Vermont, because I doubt I'll be seeing an owl anytime soon in Montana.


Actually, there are a lot of things I miss about Vermont, and I'm sure when fall comes around I'll be missing Vermont even more. There is just something about that Vermont foliage that makes my heart ache for home. I used to love looking out at the colorful sea of trees whenever we went for a drive. I would think to myself, it looks like a bowl of fruity pebbles! Oh, how I loved those colors! I can't really find a photo to do it justice. If you've never experienced it, you definitely should at least once in your life. And if you do go, make sure to research when the peak foliage is likely to occur. Believe it or not, Vermont's Autumns draw in tourists from all over.

Anywho, I don't mean to be a bragger. I am not going to say Vermont is the best place in the world, because that would be ignorant of me. I haven't even been to every place in the world, so to say something like that would be unfair. I love Vermont, and it will always have a special place in my heart, but I am always open to experiencing new places, and learning to love them as well. In fact, that is already happening with Montana. I remember the first time I went camping with Brian's mom, stepdad, and brother. I thought to myself, this is their vacation every year isn't it? I mean, sure they go to a different camp site each year, but it's always camping, and it's always Montana. Why don't they do something different sometime? Fly somewhere exotic or something. But I guess I understand. Montana makes an impression. Montana is a big state, and there really is so much to discover, so I could understand them not really having a reason to go somewhere else. Still, I am more of a traveler, myself. I am just used to that lifestyle, growing up as a military brat and all. I think of everything I have seen and done already and I feel so lucky. Yet, there are still so many places I want to see and so many things I want to do! I want to see all kinds of different places, and as long as Brian and I are still together, I will make sure he gets to see different places too. It's okay to love your home, but you can be open to other places too. There are many different kinds of beauty, and it's neat to discover those little quirks, and the differences and similarities between places. When you think about it, it is amazing that there is so much diversity even without leaving the United States. I have yet to travel very much outside of this country, but I am certainly open to that as well. There are so many beautiful places in the world, and I can't wait to get to see as much of it as possible.
Great Falls, Montana

For now though, I'm content with exploring Montana's natural wonders. It seems like you don't have to go very far to discover a new place that warms your heart. Gibson is certainly one of those places. While we were camping we took a drive over to Gibson Reservoir just so I could see what it was like. Sheila (Brian's mom) had been talking about it for a while now, always saying it was really pretty, so I had high expectations for Gibson and I was pretty excited to finally go there. The first thing we did was pull up by the dam and there was a small body of water there. I thought, um is this it? Really? I hope not, because it's kind of lame. I thought the dam itself was pretty cool, but I was expecting more for the lake. I shrugged to myself and just assumed the actual lake was on the other side of the dam.Then we got back in the car and drove up the mountain, and silly me, there was the lake! I couldn't help but smile. It was so beautiful! And what a view from up there! I seriously could have just sat up there for hours just staring at the water. What a lovely place. I wish I could have went swimming there, but just being there for a short time was wonderful.

Gibson Reservoir, Montana
To wrap it up, camping was a lot of fun, and it didn't take very long after getting home for me to miss it. I mostly miss the scenery and the carefree feeling. It's back to real life though, and boy is it stressful sometimes. School can be an especially big pain in the butt, i'll say! I am disappointed in Montana Tech's response system. They can really take forever to respond to calls and emails properly. For many weeks I was trying to get someone to help me with my financial aid. I had switched enrollment from the College of Technology back to the North Campus, but they still hadn't updated my cost of attendance information, which meant that I wasn't qualifying for the right amount of financial aid. I needed them to update it so that I could go in and accept my awards, in order to finalize my registration by the August 11th due date. I was emailing like crazy whenever I could, which was not as much as I would have liked because my laptop power cord kept breaking....I tried calling a few times before we went camping, but no one answered so I just left a message. When I got back into town I was hoping someone would have called me back, but nope. Instead they sent me an email saying oh I noticed you called us about updating your financial aid. Call this number. WTF....oh well... so I called that number and no one answered so I just left another message. Frustrated, I looked up the emails of everyone in the business office and enrollment processing and emailed ALL of them! lol... sounds crazy but I needed someone to answer me asap. After a while I realized no one was ever going to do anything unless i got in their face about it, so Brian and I went up to the school and finally got most of the stuff worked out. Now I'm just waiting for things to finish processing, so I can finalize my registration, and if it's not done by Monday I'm supposed to go back in to figure things out. Ugh what a pain, but hopefully it will all work out. Then I just need to reach my advisor so I can drop a class and add a class. Easier said then done....

Between my school issues and computer cord issues, I was about ready to pull my hair out. I really wanted to go back to camping and not have to worry about this crap! There was some light at the end of the tunnel at least. A couple weeks ago we went to one of the Evel Knievel Days here in Butte. It was my first time and I will certainly go again next year if I can. Of course, I had my camera with me and I filmed and took lots of pictures. When we got home, I edited some of the footage together and posted it on youtube. One of the clips was from the Spanky Spangler stunt show and he had attempted a world record car jump. He crashed the car front first on the hill and it took a while for the rescuers to get him out of the car. He was taken away in an ambulance, but he survived thankfully. Anyway, I put together that youtube video just as a fun way to remember the day, and then a few days later I get this email from someone from the Discovery Channel asking me if I am the owner of that footage, and if they could license it for an episode. Under his name it said Segment Producer, Destroyed in Seconds, so I am guessing it would be for that show. I was thrilled that they noticed it and were interested in it, so of course I said yes! I overnighted (charged to them hehe) the videos through fedex yesterday, so hopefully I'll hear back soon. I thought that was pretty cool and exciting. Just one of those things that you don't expect, and makes you smile. :D

This is definitely really long, so I think I'll end here. Just thought I'd let you know what I've been up to. I hope everyone is enjoying the summer. It'll be over before you know it.

BTW: All of the photos in this post are mine except the "I LOVERMONT" one, which I simply made the title for. =]