Anxiety, Group Meetings, and more Anxiety

*WARNING This post went a lot deeper and more personal than I ever intended, but I still feel the need to post it, regardless. If you do not like long rants about touchy subjects, then you probably shouldn't read this. I promise a much lighter post is coming soon!*

Tonight was pizza night (happens every Tuesday), except this time we met at a church for a barbecue. There were some new faces, and everyone was really nice and the food was good! I can't believe they put that on for us. How nice of them. :) The overall experience was pleasant, but I must say...These group meetings really test my coping abilities as far as my anxiety goes. You wouldn't believe how worked up I get about it, sometimes even days before it happens. My nerves always seem to get to me whenever I remember that it's "pizza night." In my head I am arguing with myself saying things like, "Can you stop already? This isn't a big deal. It's fun and you like seeing everyone." Still this physical reaction persists and I just have to deal with it. It doesn't feel very good. It makes me feel sick, and the feeling can last even hours after I get home. Sometimes I try to think of excuses for why I can't go, just because I don't want to go through that anxiety.

Last week was a perfect example. The week before that was a lot of fun, but there were still times when I had to speak in front of everyone and I was really uncomfortable. Just thinking about that had me worrying that the same thing would be expected every week. I was so worried, that I convinced myself I wasn't going to go. I was going through a lot of unrelated stress already and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with my anxiety on top of that. I even told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like going. Little did I know that he didn't plan on going anyway, because our monthly r/c club meeting was that night as well. I took in a big sigh of relief when I heard that. We did end up going to pizza night for about 15 minutes, though, but that was just long enough to eat and leave, so I didn't encounter as much anxiety that time.

I can't say the same about today's meeting, however. Every week so far we have gone around the room introducing ourselves (because there were always new people) and saying little things about ourselves. Those kinds of things make me really nervous, even if we're just saying simple things like our name, where we're from, or our major. As soon as anyone mentions that we're going to do this, my heart thumps so hard that it feels like you could see it protruding from my chest. My face gets really hot, and it feels like I just got a really bad sun burn. My heart is racing so fast that it's difficult to catch my breath, my mouth gets dry, my throat tightens, and all of this makes the thought of having to speak, more than daunting.

This is a vicious cycle that most likely progressed throughout my life, probably stemming from poor thinking patterns and worry. Perhaps I was afraid that I would say something dumb, or that I would make a fool of myself when I spoke. A lot of people experience this kind of worry, and the logical argument is just to remember that everyone else is probably worrying about themselves as well, so you shouldn't care what others think. If only I had put this lesson to use sooner. However, I did not, and I think that is why it has gotten so bad. My body eventually picked up on that fear and it developed into a physical reaction to those situations. Now I am helpless and it feels like it is out of my control.

This only made matters worse, unfortunately, because now there is that underlying anxiety that will automatically be triggered by any of those situations that I worried about in the past. Except the difference now is, I no longer fear the situation itself. Honestly, I don't care what others think of me. I truly understand all of the rational arguments you could possibly think of, and I have preached those points to myself countless times. The problem is not that I can't rationalize. The problem comes from the fact that my fear has changed in such a way that even rationalization does not help. I fear the anxiety itself, because I know it will happen, and I am not sure that I could just magically make that go away.

It has built up over so many years, that it could very well take just as many years of constant fighting to make it start to fade away. The anxiety makes it physically difficult to speak, and that is what I now fear. It is not, "Oh, I am just too shy to talk in front of people because I am afraid they might judge me." It is more like, "Talking in front of people will trigger this awful physical reaction that will make it difficult to think straight or speak." I cannot stress this enough...It is not shyness, even if it started out that way. Shyness is a personality trait. Social Anxiety is a mental illness. I really don't have a shy personality so much anymore. I am not afraid to express myself. I am not afraid of what other people think. I am not afraid to dress the way I want to dress, and so forth. I follow my own example in life, and I don't just go with the flow because I am afraid to stand out. I am proud to be me.

Thinking back on my life I can see that I have changed in a lot of ways. I think I probably started out as a shy person. I was very hesitant when it came to clothes, and I avoided things that would draw attention, or constitute change. If I got used to wearing my hair a certain way, then I would wear my hair the same way everyday. I didn't like hair cuts because I didn't want to be noticed. I liked being invisible, so to speak. To me, that is what shyness is about. You're afraid to put yourself out there. You're afraid to be looked at or talked about. That is not who I am today. The struggles I face are very different from the ones I faced when I was younger. Some things have gotten better, especially since high school. I think I was both shy and anxious in high school, though the shyness had started to fade by the time I graduated. Since then I have done a lot of things I could only dream of doing back then. I have come out of my shell in a lot of ways. I am not perfect. I can still be shy at times I guess you could say, but for the most part, it is the anxiety that limits me now.

I also experience mind blanks quite a bit, so I lose my train of thought easily, and that also makes it difficult to speak coherently, or to maintain conversations. Even if I am listening to you closely, sometimes it feels like I'm not really processing what you're saying quick enough to fathom an answer... then that results in a delayed response, or me asking you to repeat yourself, even if you spoke clearly enough and I heard what you said. Sometimes I ask people to repeat themselves just to buy myself more time to come up with an answer. I am so consumed by what my body is doing that I can't concentrate on anything else. If you can imagine, this is why I avoid job interviews. I would be so nervous and worrying about my mind going blank. Answering questions on the spot is one thing I really struggle with.

Well, this has certainly turned into a rant... Oh well, it felt good to get this out, and sorry if this is selfish, but I had to do this... for myself.

Anyways, back to the group meetings topic... The funny thing is, I am not required to go to pizza night each week. No one is forcing me to. It is all voluntary, so why don't I just not go? I guess I just don't want to be left out. My boyfriend would probably feel bad going without me, and I wouldn't want him to miss out on that because of me. I don't want to miss out either. I like being a part of something and feeling like I belong. (I also like free food! especially since I am poor!) I have fun, but more importantly, maybe I could start to develop better coping skills.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, "it will get better with time"... I know they all mean well, but that really doesn't help me. For one, I am pretty sure that a realistic time frame for overcoming something like this is a lot longer than they are implying. Life will not wait for me to get better. I am an adult NOW. I have responsibilities NOW and life moves too fast for me to keep up. I can't fight this constantly anyway. It is draining and tiring. Secondly, I have been exposed to these exact situations my whole life, and those are what caused this problem in the first place. Yes, I have better skills and more understanding now, but it's still not as simple as exposing myself to the situations.

I do not think the anxiety will just go away with "practice" (I don't even know how one would practice getting rid of anxiety...), but I do think it is possible to learn better coping skills to deal with the anxiety when it happens. Learning to put your mind somewhere else and to not feed the anxiety with your thoughts and worries. Learning to breathe, relax yourself the best you can, and to speak with confidence even if your body is out of control. And that my friends, is one of the main things that keeps me going to these meetings, despite it all.

Still, I know it's not really good for my health. I took a psychology class a few semesters ago and there was a whole chapter in our psychology book addressing the topic of stress. I know how bad stress can be for you, your body, and your overall health. Everyone experiences stress, that is true. Stress is a normal part of life. However, putting myself in these stressful situations so frequently could very well be doing more harm than good to my body. I truly believe that experiencing this level of anxiety so frequently each day is not normal, nor healthy. I guess I just have to find some sort of balance that's right for me. It is not a good idea to throw myself into stressful situations all the time, but in some situations it could be worth it. I cannot lock myself up hiding from stressful situations, yet I should not have to immerse myself in them, either.

[I should mention that it is not just public speaking that makes me anxious. The list goes on and on, and I also deal with compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and obsessive behavior (much like OCD, although I will not make that self-diagnosis).]

Anywho, I think it is time to wrap this up. I want to end by noting that everyone experiences anxiety sometimes, and everyone gets nervous, but what makes my situation different from the norm is how it intrudes in my life so often. Someone does not necessarily have a disorder just because they possess certain traits or fears. It is considered a disorder when you want to and try to change, but can't. If it is interfering with your daily life and keeping you from doing a lot of things that you want to do. If it is having a significant negative impact on your day to day life and interfering with normal functioning. People with these kinds of disorders often feel very distressed and even debilitated by their illness. The rest of society might perceive them as normal individuals, yet the struggles they go through are extremely complex and suffocating. Mental illnesses are not very well understood by the general population , and that is very frustrating for the people suffering from them.

I am not looking for pity from anyone, nor am I complaining about how horrible my life is. I am grateful for what I have and enjoy my life. I sincerely needed to let these thoughts out and express myself. If I helped someone else in the process, then all the better. I just wish people could be more accepting and understanding of each other. Everyone has problems and it is important to recognize that. My problems are no more significant than your own. Nobody's perfect, and everyone is different. Even people going through the same "problem" do not have exactly the same issues to deal with. Everyone's life experience is different, and there should really be more tolerance in this world. The only way that can happen is to get rid of ignorance. Take the time to learn about each other and this world. People appreciate feeling understood. Open your eyes and truly embrace life for what it is, (like we learned in elementary school) a great big melting pot.