Like a Breeze

My Cornucopia: Update

2010-11-08T16:40:00.001-08:00

Hi there! Just a quick post, because I want to update my "cornucopia". I first posted about it in May, and since then, I have come to like a few more fruits and vegetables. This might not be interesting to anyone else, but it is something I am quite proud of, because I had never been willing to try these things before. The first is green leaf lettuce. I actually like most leafy greens now, but I still am not fond of iceberg lettuce. I decided to add cantaloupe and honeydew melon to my cornucopia. I had eaten them occasionally in the past, but never really cared for them. I ate them again recently, and I actually enjoyed them this time. The next thing I have learned to like is carrots, particularly baby carrots. For the past few months, I forced myself to eat them, and many times I had to spit them out. It wasn't that they tasted bad...they just made me gag. It was like a reflex or something. It was quite a struggle, but now I can finally say that I like them. I also had difficulty with tomatoes, but this was because of the taste. They are still kind of iffy to me and not my favorite, but I still eat them (mostly with other things), and I actually love them chopped up on pizza along with peppers and shredded spinach. And next...cucumbers! Love them! Not much else to say about that. I eat them a lot lol. I also now like sweet potato, snow peas, avocado, red onions, and mushrooms. I actually just tried my first mushroom this weekend! I didn't think it was amazing or anything, but not bad either, so might as well eat them. :) I actually had some more today with my lunch. That's all I can think of right now. Hopefully this continues to grow as I try lots more new things! See ya later.

OMGEEEEEEEE

2010-10-10T15:14:00.001-07:00

Omgeeeeeee! It's me!

Yea... wow. It has been forever...I am kind of sad, because I enjoy blogging and I wish I would have kept up with this. So much has happened since I last posted, so it's pretty much impossible to update on everything that I originally wanted to. Maybe I'll fill you in a little here and there, but I may just have to start fresh and write about whatever comes to mind. Excuse me if this ends up going all over the place. I am a bit scatterbrained right now.

I moved twice since my last post, and I am currently living in the basement of a house about a mile from my boyfriend's school. He is an RA again this year, so he lives in his own dorm room. I am so much happier living uptown and being closer to him. It is definitely more convenient, and I can walk over anytime I want. It takes 20 to 30 minutes, but it's really not bad at all and I love the exercise. Walking really makes me feel better and it also makes me feel more like my old self.

It has aided my weight loss a bit too. That is something I always meant to write about! I had made a post about my ever expanding "cornucopia" and mentioned how I was starting to eat better, but I didn't really talk about my "diet", if you want to call it that. To me, it isn't a diet at all. As cliche as it sounds, it really is a lifestyle change. It is simply common sense to me now. I started this back in February actually, and managed to stick with it. I was fed up with the way I looked. What I saw in the mirror didn't seem like me. I didn't look like myself. I might make a separate blog post sometime about exactly what I did to lose weight, but for now I will just say that I met my first weight loss goal of 20 pounds by the beginning of June. I have since met my second weight loss goal in September! I have lost 30 lbs overall, and I am so very proud of myself.

I am also proud of myself for another reason. School! I didn't take any classes last spring, and I didn't even know when or if I would be able to finish my degree, because the classes I needed were only offered onsite in Vermont. Then one random day during the summer, I decided to browse the college website and out of curiosity, I looked through the fall course schedule. Lo and behold, there were some new communication courses offered online. What?! wow! I felt a glimmer of hope. I went to check what remaining requirements I had, and sure enough, these new classes fulfilled them. I was excited, but still pretty nervous. I hadn't filled out my FAFSA for that school year or anything, so who knew if I could still get funds. It was a hectic time for a while getting everything sorted out, but thank goodness it worked out in the end.

This semester so far has been very busy and at times, stressful, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to continue my education. This has been a long, long road, with all sorts of twists and turns. And all I will have is my Associate's Degree after this semester! Still, I am so excited, and that is something other people may not understand, but that is okay. I have this dream in my mind. I still would love to be a Zoologist, or any kind of Biologist. That is still my passion, and everyday I realize that more and more. I have fears about it, but I realize I can't let those hold me back any more. Someday I will get my Bachelor's Degree or even my Master's. It would be really fun to study ornithology more. I love birds, especially owls, hawks, eagles, and other raptors. :) Ah the smiles inside...

Anyway, I am taking my three final classes right now. Effective workplace communication, Seminar in Educational Inquiry, and World Mythology. World mythology is the most laid back of the three. Our books are really fun and interesting too. Seminar in Educational Inquiry is probably the most demanding, just because the professor is pretty...um... he's the type that puts a high value on the "A", if you know what I mean. I know it is a good thing, but it can be frustrating because I never really know if he is going to like my work or not. I really don't want this to be the class that ruins my 4.0... well I guess technically it is 3.966, so oh well. I will try my best, and that's all that matters. Still, whyyyyyyyyyyy. Haha just kidding....

Effective Workplace Communication was the class I initially feared the most. I actually like it now, though. I am learning a lot, and well, working on my biggest weakness, so that can only be a good thing. Oddly enough, everyone seems to like me in this class. I get a lot of positive feedback on my video presentations and have even been elected as a leader for our upcoming team project. Who knew?
(In case you're wondering how on earth a communication class can be taught online... there are a lot of useful technologies these days! It has been an interesting experience so far)

That is pretty much what's been going on lately. Fall is here and Halloween is on its way! I am pretty excited! At one point, I thought I would be a circus girl for Halloween, since I learned how to juggle :), but I just changed my mind randomly one day. I've known what I want to be...I think since August or maybe even July... but I'm not telling! I don't know how it's going to turn out, but if it's anything like I picture in my head, it will be very fun :-)

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I can't promise when my next post will be, but I have some ideas, so hopefully it won't be too long!

Thanks for reading. Have a great day!

My Favorite Flower

2010-05-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

I love Hibiscus flowers. There are many different species and colors, and I just think they are so bold and vibrant. As a little girl in Hawaii, I used to love looking at them. Since then, I have realized there is more to love about them than just their beauty. Various parts of the plant are edible and are actually quite good for you. These plants grow in tropical areas throughout the world and have been used for medicinal purposes for centuries.

calyces (sepals)

There are many culinary uses for hibiscus, and one of the most common is tea brewed from the dried petals (although some sources indicate it is actually the calyces...but I will still call them "petals" in this post). The tea is made from a species of Hibiscus called Roselle (Hibiscus sabdariffa). The tea has many names, such as Agua de Jamaica, Sorrel, or Karkade. The tea can be served hot, or you can make it into an iced tea. I think both ways are lovely, although I do prefer the cold version. Hibiscus tea has a light, refreshing flavor. It is very tangy, somewhat tart, acidic, and slightly "fruity". It reminds me of cranberry juice in some ways, but still very different and unique. I don't know if it is a taste everyone would enjoy, but I certainly do.

Photo by Becky Luigart-Stayner

Hibiscus tea is very simple to make. You can buy it in tea bags, or you can purchase loose dried petals. (I think you can also get it in powder form, which could have some interesting uses). You make it just as you would any other tea, except that you want to be careful not to over-steep it, as this can leech a bitter flavor. If you like a stronger tea, simply use more petals. Hibiscus is commonly used as an ingredient in commercial teas, especially berry-flavoured ones, since it adds such a pretty and natural red color. If you can't find any hibiscus locally, you can always order a bag of dried petals online. The petals have a wonderful aroma. I wonder if you could cultivate the scent somehow, like into a potpourri or a candle or something?

There are many different ways to serve hibiscus tea. You could sweeten it with honey or sugar, add spices like cinnamon or ginger, or mix it with juice, lemonade or other teas...who knows, maybe even wine or spirits? I prefer to leave mine unsweetened, but sometimes I will mix in some orange pineapple juice. I think it makes a nice refreshing summer drink. I usually only drink water, but hibiscus iced tea can be a nice alternative. It has zero calories and is rich in vitamin c, antioxidants and other wonderful things. I don't know how extensively the health effects have been studied, but many sources list the same basic benefits. It can lower blood pressure and cholesterol, strengthens the immune system, is a natural mild diuretic, helps with bloating, can lower fever, etc...

It tastes good, smells good, has a beautiful color, is natural, and has no additives or caffeine. It is great hot or cold, sweetened or unsweetened, and on its own or mixed with other drinks. Hibiscus tea is a wonderful beverage. :)

(I don't know why the images always fade when I upload them here...They are all much more vibrant)

My Cornucopia

2010-05-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how much a person can change in just a few years. I have realized how much growth we experience during the ages 18 to 21. I don't think it is as drastic as the adolescent stage, but I can't help looking back and feeling like a different person in many ways. I can't believe I am 22 now. Does that make me a real adult? I still feel like a kid in a lot of ways, and I hope that never goes away. Then again, there are so many things that make me feel much more grown up. I remember being a kid and thinking, oh I'll never be like that...but what do you know...here I am. I do laugh about it now. I could ramble on with all kinds of examples and stuff, but that is not really what I wanted this post to be about, so maybe I'll save that for another time.

One of the things that does make me feel like an adult is the way my finicky eating habits are starting to fade away...and let me tell you, I am glad! As a kid, I used to hate being forced to eat things. I especially hated being told that I would have to sit at the table until I ate it. I was stubborn, too, so if I didn't want to eat something, it wasn't happening. I would sit there until finally someone said I could get up. I swore I would never make my own kids do that. I did not understand why someone should have to eat something if they don't like it. We all have different taste buds. I still don't think I would force a kid to eat something they really don't like, but I do wish I would have been more open-minded about food. If someone doesn't like a certain food prepared one way, they might like it a different way. You just have to keep trying to find the ways that work. If you keep making something the same way and telling a kid to keep trying it, that will just make them hate it more. Then they will have a negative association with that food, and it will only get more difficult with time. Maybe when they are older they will start to like more things, but until then, you just have to experiment.

I remember when I used to always order chicken nuggets and chicken strips at every restaurant. I remember when the only fruit I would eat were apples, grapes, bananas, and strawberries. The only vegetables I liked were potatoes and corn, and corn only if it was on the cob. I wouldn't eat spaghetti, chinese food, or venison and the list goes on and on. Most of these habits lasted well into my teen years, and some beyond. I've always hated having to tell waiters, "please don't put this, this, this, or this on it." If they forgot, I would freak out and not even want to eat it. I knew I could just take the veggies or whatever off my self, but just the thought that the vegetables were touching my food grossed me out. Wow I didn't realize how bad I was. I don't know why, but it was like I thought the veggies would hurt me if I accidentally ate a piece. I am talking about this like it was so long ago...when in reality, I still am like this with some foods, and I still do prefer to order some things 'plain'. But I am a lot more accepting of foods now, and just in this past year I have started eating a bigger variety. I will be trying more and more foods!

When I was 18, these were pretty much the only fruits and vegetables I liked to eat.

Now I like all of these. (click to enlarge)

I like to think of this as my ever-expanding Cornucopia! :)

Have you learned to like any new foods lately? What do you think I should try next?

VDay & BDay

2010-03-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a fabulous February. I especially like February, since it has Valentine's day and my birthday! It was our 3rd Valentine's Day :) We didn't go anywhere really exciting this year, but it was still nice. In the morning, Brian made breakfast and it was yummy! I think it is called "eggs in a basket", except he cut a heart shape out of the bread. How cute <3 This year I wanted to do something random and silly for Brian. So somehow I came up with the idea to make him a goo kit. I decoupaged green napkins on top of a little wooden chest, and then I added little conversation hearts that I made on my computer and printed. They have silly puns like, "GOOgly eyes 4U", "Squeeze me", "I Knead U", etc. I put all the ingredients inside, along with a recipe card I made. We had fun making and playing with our goo! I made heart shapes and even spelled out "I love you" with mine. Haha we are definitely kids at heart, and probably always will be. Life is more fun that way :)

I also gave Brian a couple little boxes of candy. I had put some scratch tickets inside and discretely glued the box flaps closed again. He didn't suspect a thing, and was surprised and confused when he finally opened them. hehe

Here is some of what I received from my sweetheart :-)

=) =) <3

When he handed me that card I couldn't stop smiling :-D I love it so much! If you didn't know...I loooooove greeting cards and I keep them all. ...for example...

Also, Hershey's cookies 'n cream bars (my favorite candy) kept appearing randomly throughout the day. It was quite amusing! lol

We made pink rice crispy treats! Deeelicious!

So Valentine's Day was simple and sweet, but the fun wasn't over because my birthday was the very next day. I always feel so spoiled because of that.

I am 22 now...oh my gosh!

One of my birthday presents from Brian was a remote control helicopter. He gave it to me early because I already knew about it and he has one too, so we wanted to fly them together!

My family sent me cards too, and my momma sent me a necklace that says Kayla and Brian on it with both of our birth stones. It's cute =)

My birthday cake...CHEESECAKE yummy! It's the no-bake kind because we think it tastes the best. There are some very good homemade no-bake cheesecake recipes too, but mine was just from the box because it's cheaper and we're too poor lol.

Yes, he added food coloring to it. Blue in the cake and purple whipped cream :D

Well I think that is it for now. I definitely have some other posts planned that will be coming up soon. See you then!

Catching Up

2010-01-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

Here I am, finally! I have been procrastinating this post big time...The holidays and end of the college semester had me very busy, but since then I have just been too intimidated to try to catch up on these blog updates. There is just so much I want to write about, and I had no clue where to start, so I just didn't. Tisk Tisk... How shameful of me!

I got a 4.0 last semester, which is always good. I think my overall GPA is 3.966 (gosh darn A- that I must've got in some class). I was happy to get an A on my Website Development project. We had to make a website (no kidding!), and I actually really enjoyed it and have been working on a few others since then. Hopefully I'll launch them soon!

So...December! December was hectic, but definitely a lot of fun. I had mentioned before that I was planning a little Anniversary party. December 15th was two years since we officially started dating, and our party was on the 19th. It was just a party for us two, which might sound a bit odd, but we had a blast! We cooked chicken picatta, got dressed up and sat down for a nice little dinner together, had drinks, played a bunch of silly party games, danced, had cheesecake and peppermint schnapps 'n hot cocoa, played an awesome game called Carcassonne for the first time, opened the Christmas presents from my grandparents (since we couldn't lug that huge box to Great Falls!), and finally, cuddled up and watched a movie. It was definitely an evening to remember and so much fun.

(All of the pictures in this blog post got washed out during the uploads...hmm...)

Hot Springs

We got to go to the hot springs resort for free with Tech, since we helped with Halloween! I love going there! This time we even made snow angels in our swim suits! haha

Christmas

My main focus for the rest of the month was CHRISTMAS. I was very much full of the Christmas spirit. I loved it all; The lights, the snow, the cards, wrapping presents, and everything else. I was inspired and determined to make it special for my loved ones. My family means a lot to me, and I wish I could've given them much more, but I did my best and at least they really appreciated it. I was on a roll with the handmade gifts, but I didn't end up doing everything I originally planned to do.

Painting for my Aunt Robin

Painting for my Grandparents

Painting for my Aunt Sally

Duct tape wallet for Emily

Decoupage Bowls with candy for Casey and Nicole

Cards and treats for some friends.

Christmas itself was very nice. I decided to wear my new dresses on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It's fun to dress up for special occasions. On Christmas Eve we went out to dinner with Brian's family, and then Brian and I walked around a little park full of pretty lights. Later that night, we exchanged some of our presents to each other, and opened the gifts from my mom. I got a pretty chest from her that was full of nice things, a pretty wooden picture, and The World of the Dark Crystal, which is an old and really awesome book full of art and extra information about the movie.

We woke up Christmas morning and had cinnamon rolls and opened presents at his mom's. After that we went over to his Grandpa's for a bit, before heading over to his other grandpa's house to visit with him, and Brian's dad and brother. We went over to his aunt's house for dinner, and we played Pictionary and a Deal or No Deal DVD game. It was girls against guys and us girls actually won the million! Now if only that were for real...

We spent the day after Christmas with Brian's 6 year old nephew, Kristopher. We got him this big nerf gun for Christmas, and of course he wanted to play with it right away. Brian went outside with him for a bit, until he got way too cold and tired. Then Kristopher comes up to me and asks ever so sweetly, "Kayla, may you please come play with me?" Who could say no to that? Haha. When we got outside he instructed me, "First you will be a deer, and once I shoot you 8 times you will be dead and then you will be a moose for 8 more times, then a wolf for 8 times again." As we got more into this little game, I added a few of my own twists and rules, which Kristopher got really excited about and it kept us both entertained. I sure was pooped after that, though. That kid always wears us out!

The New Year

New Years this year was relatively uneventful. We did go out to dinner with Grandpa Dains, Brian's Dad, his brother Kevin, and Kevin's girlfriend. But that night, we just stayed home and had some drinks. A little after 10 p.m. my older sister called me and she was all excited and was like, "Happy New Year!" To which I responded, "You know it's not New Years here yet, right? We are two hours behind you." (Brief Silence) "Ohh..oops!...but the ball already dropped!" That was pretty funny :) Silly Jen. It is weird not being on the East Coast anymore to actually be able to watch those kinds of things live on TV. Instead it's like, this already happened...so the suspense is pretty much gone :-/ Ohs wells...

Reflections of my year in 2009:
Here is a quickly thought up list of some of the memorable (good and bad) things that happened in 2009!

Lincoln Trip..built an awesome igloo, met Bill Cole

We hatched our Sea Monkeys

I turned 21

We took a weekend trip to Yellowstone

Moved into a House

Travelled to the East Coast and back to Montana on a Greyhound bus.

Brian's first trip to New York City.

My first time at the Statue of Liberty

I got a 4.0 in the spring and fall 2009 semesters.

I was sick for pretty much the entire summer with what I am assuming was whooping cough

I got a Wii

I experienced my first Monster Truck Show

Went to a 3 Doors Down Concert

First time at the Evel Knievel days in Butte

Got paid $250 by the Discovery Channel for the use of my Spanky Spangler youtube video.

We joined the Nitro Nutz r/c car club

Went on stage as a guest assistant for the Illusionist show at the fair

I found Squirrel

Brian became an RA and appointed me as his "RAA"

Brian turned 21

I went to a drive in movie...hadn't done that in a looong time!

Tried my first cigar

Dexter Season 4!

Went up to the Lady of the Rockies

Went to my first stand up comedy show (that I remember)

Brian dressed up as an Amish farmer, and I was his cow for Halloween

We befriended a stray kitty cat

Little Caesars opened in Great Falls. mmmm

I lost my dear kitty, Fizzgig...heart breaking :(

Brian and I Celebrated our 2 Year Anniversary

My cousin got married

I saw Avatar

I learned how to solve a Rubik's cube

I accomplished 5 things from my list of 100 things to do in my lifetime (and therefore, added at least 5 more)

2009 was another great year :) and I hope 2010 will be just as fun, or maybe more!

Ode to 21st Birthdays

Okay so there isn't going to be a poem, but I just thought it was a catchy title for this section. Anywho, I've been to a couple 21st birthday parties since I last blogged. Thought you should know. Our friend Andy's 21st birthday was on December 30th, so we went to his party, and of course, had SO MUCH FUN! Ahh what a night. There were some awesome people there that we don't see often enough! Then just this past Sunday we took a little road trip for Gracie's 21st. We all went out to dinner at the Old Chicago in Bozeman. I had a yummy Calzone. After dinner we continued the partying at the guys' house, where we also spent the night. I didn't know a lot of Gracie's friends who were there, but there were familiar faces too, which was very nice :) Yay for parties! I used to dread parties, but I think I have gotten more comfortable about it. I still get anxious, but as long as there are smiling faces around me, I can enjoy it :)

Gracie's present :) She liked mine, so I decided to make one for her.

So... I didn't have wrapping paper, so I was like "hmm...I know! I can use some colored paper from the RA office." As I'm rolling up the purple paper, Brian gets clever and asks if I want to use the paper cut-out machine thingy (I don't really know the technical term...). It's really neat, actually. You can use it to punch out letters and pictures and all kinds of good stuff. I decided to use flowers.

And walla!

Well I think that will have to be it for now. I need to take a shower, so I'll be ready to go to pizza night! Oh I'm hungry!

R.I.P. My Sweet Friend 11.15.09

2009-11-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

I am sorry it's been a while. It is a very sad time for me and my family. We lost someone very dear to us, and although he was not a human, he has a very special place in our hearts. I am sure any of you pet lovers out there can relate. Losing anyone you love is probably the worst thing in the world. Fizzgig was a sweet, playful, and lovable kitty cat. All of our cats mean the world to us, so losing any of them is so devastating. November has become a very sad month, especially since the last three cats we lost, went missing or died in November as well. Just coincidence perhaps, but November still feels pretty gloomy regardless... :(

Since I am in Montana, and my family is in Vermont, I was not there when Fizzy got sick, but it still breaks my heart imagining him going through something so awful. He had a urinary blockage, which are more typical in male cats than females, and is actually quite common. DEFINITELY make yourself aware of this condition, because it is life threatening and one of the most painful things a kitty can go through. If your cat has had recurring urinary tract infections, then you should be on the lookout for the signs of urinary blockage. If you notice any kind of abnormal behavior in your cat, especially with regards to "bathroom" habits, take your cat to the vet asap. Every second counts. We lost our precious kitty, and I don't want that to happen to your kitties, so please take the time to educate yourself. It really makes a difference.

Our Fizzgig was so sweet and wonderful, and I can't believe he is gone. I don't think it has sunken in yet...It probably won't seem real until I go home and realize he's never coming back :( To keep from crying I have to tell myself, he is not hurting anymore. He is not sad, and he wouldn't want us to be sad either. It is really hard not to be sad, though. I miss him so much. The important thing is to remember the good times and never let go of those memories. I am so grateful for all the pictures we do have of him and all of the wonderful memories. I get teary-eyed whenever I look at the pictures...especially the ones of my sister, Kristina, and him. It makes me sad that I wasn't there to hug her and cry with her. It is heart-wrenching just thinking about what she went through at the emergency room. I know she was much stronger than I could've ever been. I wish I could have kissed him goodbye, though I know that would have been unbearable.

Sweet little Fizzy <3

Kristina and Baby Fizzgig <3 awww

I will never forget you.

Hold him close <3

Fizzgig, you are forever in my heart and I hope you are at peace. <3

I love you always <333

Kayla

Halloween, News, Haul, and Updates

2009-11-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

HALLOWEEN

I hope everyone had a fabulous Halloween!

Mine was pretty fun. Last Tuesday was pizza night, but this time when we walked into the room there were a bunch of presents on the table. We ended up doing a Halloween "White elephant" type gift exchange, where on your turn you can either open a gift or steal someone else's that they already opened. The first gift I opened was a purple goblet with a spider on the front. I thought it was pretty cool, but then Casey kept stealing it from me and she got it in the end lol. I ended up with a flower glow stick wand, a snake that grows in water, and a crow figure thing. Then my roommate, Matthew, wanted to trade me for the crow. He traded me this weird skeleton thing that you squeeze and its eyes pop out. So yea, that was silly, but it was fun. We all got a bag of candy, as well.

Halloween was great too! My boyfriend is an RA at his college, and they have this "trick-or-treat off the street" thing for kids at the dorms, so they can have a warm, safe place to go trick-or-treating. Each Hall is decorated with a theme, and some are really spooky and cool looking! It's pretty neat. We gave out candy there last year. Anyway, my boyfriend had to help out up there, so I went as well. I was a cow. LOL... I had ordered this dress back in August, without realizing it would kind of remind me of a cow when I wore it. So then I decided why not be a cow for Halloween? I planned out my costume a while ago using Kaboodle, and this was a set I had made a while back. I had the dress, ears, cow print tights, and a bell around my neck.

My boyfriend still needed an idea, though, and one day I was like you could be my Amish farmer! I was sorta joking, but he laughed and that is actually what he ended up being. He had a hat, suspenders, and a genuine beard (although he did have to shave his mustache...he wasn't happy about that at first, but he warmed up to it). Haha.

We had a really good time! A lot of adults and kids said they liked my costume. The little kids were so cute, and there were a lot of really cute and creative costumes. One kid was even an outhouse! Too funny. I helped tell people where to go, took pictures, and even got to be a judge for the hall decoration contest. The prize was a free trip to a hot springs resort, but Jake (boss of the RA's) decided that he will let anyone come who helped out with Halloween! There was also a little costume contest, and Brian and I won "best couple." Pretty much everyone in the contest won something, though. We got a coupon for a free Domino's pizza!

ME, THE RAA

That's a little joke between Brian and I. He calls me his RAA, or RA Assistant (which ends up being Resident Assistant Assistant lol). I have become quite the RAA, if I do say so myself. I have helped him out with some RA duties and have helped out at a few events. Jake might put some of my pictures on to the school's website. He put my pictures from Bowling Night on there already :). Oh, and last Friday was Annie's birthday. Annie works with the RA's and they had decided to take an "Abbey Road" inspired picture for her, since she likes The Beatles. Well guess who ended up taking the picture? Me! It was a cold, cloudy day and it was getting late, so it wasn't exactly the best conditions to be taking pictures in, so it probably didn't come out as good as it could have. I am not a very good photographer, anyway, but it would have helped if they had given me an idea of what exactly they were trying to achieve, because before taking the picture I had never even seen that Beatles' album cover. Jake had a large print of the photo made for her, and I am told that Annie loved it, though, so that's all that matters. Here is a quickly edited version of the picture.
DISCOVERY CHANNEL
I have some really exciting news! Way back when, I mentioned how I signed a license agreement because the Discovery Channel was thinking of using one of my videos in an episode. Well, I guess they really are going to air that episode, because I received my $250 check in the mail! They want to use the Spanky Spangler clips for the show "Destroyed in Seconds." Isn't that cool?!

HAUL

I finally picked up the face wash I have been wanting to get again. I was using the Neutrogena Grapefruit scrub, and it smells so good, but it didn't really do much for my skin. My skin is in this awful stage. I dunno if it has to do with the weather changing, or what, but it breaks out often. I also don't like how my cheeks get really red a lot. It's even worse when I am stressed or anxious. Anyways, when I was living with Brian's mom I tried Neutrogena's Visibly Even foaming cleanser and the moisturizer, and I loved it. It's really creamy and feels good on my skin. It also makes my skin feel a lot softer, and is gentler than the grapefruit scrub. I don't think it's an acne treatment at all, but that's fine with me. It seems like acne washes are too harsh for me and irritate my skin more than they help it. Hopefully this face wash will be better for me. I was running low on my grapefruit scrub, anyway, so I thought I'd buy myself some. It was actually cheaper than the one I was using before. I didn't get the moisturizer yet, though, because it's kind of expensive. I'll get it eventually.

My Covergirl Lashblast mascara ran out, so I also got a new mascara. I wasn't a big fan of lashblast when I first tried it, but I gave it some time and it grew on me. It actually did make my lashes look longer, but it seems like it dried up so fast! I don't remember how long ago I got it, so maybe it wasn't really that short, but it was definitely a lot sooner than my other one. Well, I thought it would be good to try out a different mascara, and I was going to try the waterproof version of Neutrogena's healthy volume, since I liked that one, but I decided to try something completely different. I had heard some good reviews about Loreal's Voluminous, so that is what I ended up getting. I got it in waterproof carbon black.I actually like it a lot. The brush is probably my favorite mascara brush so far. It's just the perfect size and style and it's really easy to use. It goes on smooth and doesn't clump. I wouldn't say it gives you dramatic lashes or anything, but it is great for that more natural, pretty look. It doesn't seem to lengthen my lashes as much as Lash Blast did, but it does give them more volume, which is my preference, anyway.

The last thing I got that day was the Revlon Colorstay eyeshadow "in the buff." My ByLaurenLuke eyeshadows are great, but I wanted some brown shades and more everyday natural colors. I am hoping to get the Coastal Scents 88 warm pallet, but I thought I'd get the little revlon palette for now. It is really nice and it's something I can keep in my purse.

I don't know why, but they were giving out free razors at Brian's school for some reason. So, Brian brought home three Schick quattro women's razors. They come with a decorated travel case, and I think it's really cute. It has hibiscus flowers on it. My favorite! I don't know if the razors are that great, but hey they were free and I will definitely be using the travel cases!

FARMVILLE
I mentioned my farm in the last post, so I thought I would update about my new animals! I adopted a kitty, a turtle and bought a limited edition owl. The Ugly Duckling I adopted turned into a swan! The owl is my favorite! It flies around and perches on its tree.

HOUSE UPDATE

The carpet in our living room still smelled of dog pee, even though it's been professionally cleaned, so my housemates decided to have a wood floor installed instead. The landlord came over and it was finished yesterday. I think it looks good and definitely makes the house look a lot more modern and fresh.

Good Ole' Autumn

2009-10-24T19:10:00.001-07:00

Hellooo my peoples! I didn't update as soon as I had anticipated, but oh well. I haven't been doing anything too exciting, just some random things.

Homecoming was a couple weekends ago. This was the extent of my Homecoming spirit lol.

Then, we were at dinner at the college, and we usually grab a few bananas to take home with us. Well, this was the sticker on mine...

You should always listen to bananas! Haha, pretty silly, but it made me laugh. :) Anyways, it was snowing quite a bit in the last few weeks. Most of that is gone now, but it's still pretty chilly out there! I don't mind it too much, though. I was actually really getting into wearing my scarves and warm vests. That's actually something I like about colder weather. Oh, and I loved being able to wear my BOOTS!
I am not really that into shoes, but I can always appreciate a good ole pair of boots. I got these for under $30 at Kohl's two years ago. They have been through a lot (including walking through really deep snow a lot), yet they are still in pretty good condition. This is only the second pair of boots I have owned in my life (besides snowboard boots, and those tacky ones you wear when you're younger). I used to hate boots and was never interested in them. Now I adore them. I got my first pair from Kohl's as well. I really liked them and I was sad when they wore out. They lasted quite a while though, and I did walk a good distance in them every day during the winter. Which is funny, because I think they are designed more for style than winter function, so I really pushed them past their limits. Oh well, they worked fine for me. So anyways, I went right back to Kohl's and was lucky enough to have found these on sale :) They have lasted two years so far, and I am hoping they will make it through another winter! After that I can only hope I'll be able to find another pair that I like. I really like them to have a wedged heel too, because then I can be taller and it makes me feel like I have long legs. Yay boots!

Moving on...I finally gave in after ignoring countless invites, and have started playing Farmville on Facebook. LOL. It's not too bad, actually. I was having fun decorating my farm, and I actually decided to make it into a Fall Festival! You might wanna click on the image to see it closer.

Oh how I miss going to those! Pumpkin patch, hay rides, apple orchard, corn mazes etc...
My farm has a pumpkin patch, spooky forest, apple orchard, milk a cow, face painting, a hay bat, and a wagon ride. Oh and I love this little kitty that pops out of the Jack-O-Lantern!
Last but not least, I really really like this "She was mine" cover. I like some of Alyssa's other covers as well, like "Where I stood." She has a pretty voice :)

No matter where you go, i won't be very far
Cause in my head I'll be right there where you are
Cause love is no distance baby
Love, love has no distance baby
No, not when it comes to you and me
<3Pon and Zi!

Priscilla Ahn is great and I love her song "Wallflower"! This is just a random video that happens to have the song by the way.

That is all for now. I know, very brief and random. I have some other things I want to include, but I think I should save that for after Halloweeeeeen. What are you doing for Halloween? I hope you have a great one!

P.S. Here is a little thing I wrote a couple years ago. I named my blog after it and it was inspired by Autumn :) I wrote it in the Fall during the time when I was really starting to like Brian, but he was over 2,000 miles away.

Like A Breeze

The sun beams are painted across my cheek
my eyes open to a fuzzy illumination
that awakens me into a conscious state
forcing the silhouettes among me to come into focus
I realize the space beside me is empty just like everyday before...
reluctant, I smile anyway
this day anew a promise of an array of smiles
temporary satisfactions
little bits of hope that keep me going
much like bubbles dancing about obliviously
glistening in the light for a while
they all pop inevitably
shadows grow, darkness falls
I lie awake restless with thought
until the night eventually lures me into complacency
I will surrender, but first
empty tears fall, my breath quivering
I am by myself, I am aloneThis routine marks the epitome
of what I had become
 broken, hidden, lost
 but as the wind whispers through
 gently guiding withering leaves to a ground 
frosted with the first kiss of autumn 
something else comes
entwined in its delicate embrace
 unexpected, unfamiliar,
but I feel more alive
 like a breeze in my atmosphere 
caressing my soul 
bringing life to a tranquil scene
 now here I lay, just like everyday before
 restless with thought 
until the night eventually lures me into complacency
 I will surrender, but first... 
tears fall.....and a smile forms...? 
these tears are different
 these tears are not empty
 I am by myself, I am not alone
 -Kayla

Anxiety, Group Meetings, and more Anxiety

2009-10-14T01:58:00.001-07:00

*WARNING This post went a lot deeper and more personal than I ever intended, but I still feel the need to post it, regardless. If you do not like long rants about touchy subjects, then you probably shouldn't read this. I promise a much lighter post is coming soon!*

Tonight was pizza night (happens every Tuesday), except this time we met at a church for a barbecue. There were some new faces, and everyone was really nice and the food was good! I can't believe they put that on for us. How nice of them. :) The overall experience was pleasant, but I must say...These group meetings really test my coping abilities as far as my anxiety goes. You wouldn't believe how worked up I get about it, sometimes even days before it happens. My nerves always seem to get to me whenever I remember that it's "pizza night." In my head I am arguing with myself saying things like, "Can you stop already? This isn't a big deal. It's fun and you like seeing everyone." Still this physical reaction persists and I just have to deal with it. It doesn't feel very good. It makes me feel sick, and the feeling can last even hours after I get home. Sometimes I try to think of excuses for why I can't go, just because I don't want to go through that anxiety.

Last week was a perfect example. The week before that was a lot of fun, but there were still times when I had to speak in front of everyone and I was really uncomfortable. Just thinking about that had me worrying that the same thing would be expected every week. I was so worried, that I convinced myself I wasn't going to go. I was going through a lot of unrelated stress already and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with my anxiety on top of that. I even told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like going. Little did I know that he didn't plan on going anyway, because our monthly r/c club meeting was that night as well. I took in a big sigh of relief when I heard that. We did end up going to pizza night for about 15 minutes, though, but that was just long enough to eat and leave, so I didn't encounter as much anxiety that time.

I can't say the same about today's meeting, however. Every week so far we have gone around the room introducing ourselves (because there were always new people) and saying little things about ourselves. Those kinds of things make me really nervous, even if we're just saying simple things like our name, where we're from, or our major. As soon as anyone mentions that we're going to do this, my heart thumps so hard that it feels like you could see it protruding from my chest. My face gets really hot, and it feels like I just got a really bad sun burn. My heart is racing so fast that it's difficult to catch my breath, my mouth gets dry, my throat tightens, and all of this makes the thought of having to speak, more than daunting.

This is a vicious cycle that most likely progressed throughout my life, probably stemming from poor thinking patterns and worry. Perhaps I was afraid that I would say something dumb, or that I would make a fool of myself when I spoke. A lot of people experience this kind of worry, and the logical argument is just to remember that everyone else is probably worrying about themselves as well, so you shouldn't care what others think. If only I had put this lesson to use sooner. However, I did not, and I think that is why it has gotten so bad. My body eventually picked up on that fear and it developed into a physical reaction to those situations. Now I am helpless and it feels like it is out of my control.

This only made matters worse, unfortunately, because now there is that underlying anxiety that will automatically be triggered by any of those situations that I worried about in the past. Except the difference now is, I no longer fear the situation itself. Honestly, I don't care what others think of me. I truly understand all of the rational arguments you could possibly think of, and I have preached those points to myself countless times. The problem is not that I can't rationalize. The problem comes from the fact that my fear has changed in such a way that even rationalization does not help. I fear the anxiety itself, because I know it will happen, and I am not sure that I could just magically make that go away.

It has built up over so many years, that it could very well take just as many years of constant fighting to make it start to fade away. The anxiety makes it physically difficult to speak, and that is what I now fear. It is not, "Oh, I am just too shy to talk in front of people because I am afraid they might judge me." It is more like, "Talking in front of people will trigger this awful physical reaction that will make it difficult to think straight or speak." I cannot stress this enough...It is not shyness, even if it started out that way. Shyness is a personality trait. Social Anxiety is a mental illness. I really don't have a shy personality so much anymore. I am not afraid to express myself. I am not afraid of what other people think. I am not afraid to dress the way I want to dress, and so forth. I follow my own example in life, and I don't just go with the flow because I am afraid to stand out. I am proud to be me.

Thinking back on my life I can see that I have changed in a lot of ways. I think I probably started out as a shy person. I was very hesitant when it came to clothes, and I avoided things that would draw attention, or constitute change. If I got used to wearing my hair a certain way, then I would wear my hair the same way everyday. I didn't like hair cuts because I didn't want to be noticed. I liked being invisible, so to speak. To me, that is what shyness is about. You're afraid to put yourself out there. You're afraid to be looked at or talked about. That is not who I am today. The struggles I face are very different from the ones I faced when I was younger. Some things have gotten better, especially since high school. I think I was both shy and anxious in high school, though the shyness had started to fade by the time I graduated. Since then I have done a lot of things I could only dream of doing back then. I have come out of my shell in a lot of ways. I am not perfect. I can still be shy at times I guess you could say, but for the most part, it is the anxiety that limits me now.

I also experience mind blanks quite a bit, so I lose my train of thought easily, and that also makes it difficult to speak coherently, or to maintain conversations. Even if I am listening to you closely, sometimes it feels like I'm not really processing what you're saying quick enough to fathom an answer... then that results in a delayed response, or me asking you to repeat yourself, even if you spoke clearly enough and I heard what you said. Sometimes I ask people to repeat themselves just to buy myself more time to come up with an answer. I am so consumed by what my body is doing that I can't concentrate on anything else. If you can imagine, this is why I avoid job interviews. I would be so nervous and worrying about my mind going blank. Answering questions on the spot is one thing I really struggle with.

Well, this has certainly turned into a rant... Oh well, it felt good to get this out, and sorry if this is selfish, but I had to do this... for myself.

Anyways, back to the group meetings topic... The funny thing is, I am not required to go to pizza night each week. No one is forcing me to. It is all voluntary, so why don't I just not go? I guess I just don't want to be left out. My boyfriend would probably feel bad going without me, and I wouldn't want him to miss out on that because of me. I don't want to miss out either. I like being a part of something and feeling like I belong. (I also like free food! especially since I am poor!) I have fun, but more importantly, maybe I could start to develop better coping skills.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, "it will get better with time"... I know they all mean well, but that really doesn't help me. For one, I am pretty sure that a realistic time frame for overcoming something like this is a lot longer than they are implying. Life will not wait for me to get better. I am an adult NOW. I have responsibilities NOW and life moves too fast for me to keep up. I can't fight this constantly anyway. It is draining and tiring. Secondly, I have been exposed to these exact situations my whole life, and those are what caused this problem in the first place. Yes, I have better skills and more understanding now, but it's still not as simple as exposing myself to the situations.

I do not think the anxiety will just go away with "practice" (I don't even know how one would practice getting rid of anxiety...), but I do think it is possible to learn better coping skills to deal with the anxiety when it happens. Learning to put your mind somewhere else and to not feed the anxiety with your thoughts and worries. Learning to breathe, relax yourself the best you can, and to speak with confidence even if your body is out of control. And that my friends, is one of the main things that keeps me going to these meetings, despite it all.

Still, I know it's not really good for my health. I took a psychology class a few semesters ago and there was a whole chapter in our psychology book addressing the topic of stress. I know how bad stress can be for you, your body, and your overall health. Everyone experiences stress, that is true. Stress is a normal part of life. However, putting myself in these stressful situations so frequently could very well be doing more harm than good to my body. I truly believe that experiencing this level of anxiety so frequently each day is not normal, nor healthy. I guess I just have to find some sort of balance that's right for me. It is not a good idea to throw myself into stressful situations all the time, but in some situations it could be worth it. I cannot lock myself up hiding from stressful situations, yet I should not have to immerse myself in them, either.

[I should mention that it is not just public speaking that makes me anxious. The list goes on and on, and I also deal with compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and obsessive behavior (much like OCD, although I will not make that self-diagnosis).]

Anywho, I think it is time to wrap this up. I want to end by noting that everyone experiences anxiety sometimes, and everyone gets nervous, but what makes my situation different from the norm is how it intrudes in my life so often. Someone does not necessarily have a disorder just because they possess certain traits or fears. It is considered a disorder when you want to and try to change, but can't. If it is interfering with your daily life and keeping you from doing a lot of things that you want to do. If it is having a significant negative impact on your day to day life and interfering with normal functioning. People with these kinds of disorders often feel very distressed and even debilitated by their illness. The rest of society might perceive them as normal individuals, yet the struggles they go through are extremely complex and suffocating. Mental illnesses are not very well understood by the general population , and that is very frustrating for the people suffering from them.

I am not looking for pity from anyone, nor am I complaining about how horrible my life is. I am grateful for what I have and enjoy my life. I sincerely needed to let these thoughts out and express myself. If I helped someone else in the process, then all the better. I just wish people could be more accepting and understanding of each other. Everyone has problems and it is important to recognize that. My problems are no more significant than your own. Nobody's perfect, and everyone is different. Even people going through the same "problem" do not have exactly the same issues to deal with. Everyone's life experience is different, and there should really be more tolerance in this world. The only way that can happen is to get rid of ignorance. Take the time to learn about each other and this world. People appreciate feeling understood. Open your eyes and truly embrace life for what it is, (like we learned in elementary school) a great big melting pot.

Room Update

2009-10-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is will be just a quick post, since I have added a couple things to my room today :)
I have been meaning to get this put together for a while, but didn't get around to clearing the dresser off until now. My boyfriend finally took his TV out, so then there was room!
This was a really simple project. Basically, I just hot glued the dried orchids (which I also used for my candle decorations) to this decorative branch from a craft store.
I had these paper dots that I was originally going to use on the photo collage for my desk, but then I decided not to. Well, I found another use for them lol... The window's plainness was bugging me and I wanted to hang curtains or something, but I also didn't really want to spend money on that...so this is good enough for now :-P

I think it looks nicer now without the TV there. Well that's it for now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful October so far! <3

Hello :)

2009-10-04T16:29:00.001-07:00

Hi there!

Wow it has been over a month since my last post... I guess I just didn't think I had much to write about, but I finally made a list and realized I do have a lot I could've said! Go figure. Where to begin... I'll break this post into mini sections, so it's not so cluttered.

ROOM UPDATE
I guess I should update about my room, since that's what my last post was about. I haven't done as much as I initially planned, but I do have two new posters that I really like. They were having a poster sale at my boyfriend's school, so he got me the elephant poster as a surprise :)

Then I got The Dark Crystal movie poster, because well, I have loved that movie ever since I was little! There was actually another one I wanted to get as well, but they are pretty big posters, so I decided one was enough. Someday I really want to get the companion novel World of the Dark Crystal. It is pretty expensive, so I'll probably opt for a cheaper used copy, but I think it would be really neat to read. It is such a unique story and the movie is very strange and unusual, but oh so artistic and beautiful in my opinion. A sequel was supposedly coming out a few years back, but production has been delayed I guess, so it is estimated to be released in 2011. I can't wait to see it, and I am hoping it lives up to the first one.

Kira!
Someday I would love to be a Gelfling for Halloween. A female Gelfling more specifically...wings and all! :) Definitely not this year, but eventually.

FUN STUFF
The good news is that I have been having a lot of fun lately :) Butte is home to the 2nd largest statue in the U.S. She is called Our Lady of the Rockies and she sits atop the mountain known as East Ridge. We had been wanting to venture up there for quite sometime, and every time I would see her lit up at night, I would say to Brian, "I really want to go up there!" So a little over a week ago we finally made reservations for a tour. It was so wonderful and I am glad we went! The driver/guide was really nice and funny, and he actually was one of the guys who helped build the statue.

Visiting this statue was actually on my list of 100 things to do in my lifetime, so I got to check that off and add something new, which is exciting!

Another fun thing that started up again is our weekly pizza night/group meetings. Last school year we had them every Thursday at Gary's (my roommate Matt's pastor) apartment, and we'd just sit around and talk, eat pizza, and watch Cash Cab. Now a woman and her husband run it and we have it every Tuesday in the Chancellor's lounge at the school. There is a lot more room, so quite a few more people come now. We still eat pizza, but we also play games and do activities, so it's something new and different. I do battle with my anxiety when we go, but I try to ignore it and do end up having a lot of fun. Last week we played a card game called Apples to Apples. I had never played that game before, but it is really easy and very fun. Not to mention everyone was being silly and it made the game really hilarious and we could not stop laughing!

Speaking of laughing...Last Thursday we got to go to a free stand-up comedy show with Don Friesen.

He was so funny, and we laughed so much! I will definitely go again next year if we get the chance.

Guess what? It snowed last week, in September!... and it has been getting colder gradually each day. A lot of people would boo that, but I actually don't mind. I can be happy with all kinds of weather, and honestly I was looking forward to being able to wear warmer clothes. I like wearing hoodies, cardigans, warm cozy vests, and jeans. I don't know if the cold will stay, but I am not going to complain about it. I guess I would have complained more if it was like the old days when I had to walk 20 minutes to the bus stop for school, but I don't have to anymore, so it's all good lol.

On another note...Brian and I sometimes go for late night strolls together :) The other night we decided to go for a walk just around town. We came across these two adorable kittens and we stopped and petted them for a bit. Then we got up to continue our walk, but we heard little jingles behind us and knew it was from the kittiens' collars...We were being followed! Those silly kittens followed us all the way home! It was cute, but they had me so worried because they were walking across busy streets and I didn't want them to get hurt or lost. Since they did follow us all the way home, we were able to drive them back to where we found them, which really helped for my own peace of mind. They were a little confused about being in the car, but they were fine :) and I am glad we did that.

Hmm what else...
The new seasons of House and Dexter have started, yay! The premier of House was really good. It was like it's own little movie (not to mention it was about as long as a movie), which I liked a lot. Then the second episode was more back to normal, but still twisted and complicated a bit. Dexter is off to an interesting start as well, and I am looking forward to the next episode!

PLANS
Well, well, well...over the summer I was jogging every now and then to lose some weight. I told myself I would do it everyday possible...However, typical me doesn't really stick to anything. It's easy for me to start things, but I always stop eventually, and that is my problem. I was able to lose 10 pounds in the short time that I did stick to it everyday, but I definitely could have put more effort in. So, instead of making a promise I know I will probably break, I will just say this...
I am going to start jogging again, and maybe even start my ab-workouts again too. I will try to do it every weekday for as long as I am able to stay motivated. I might weigh myself now and then, but I don't really care that much about losing pounds. Instead, this time I would really like to focus on losing inches from different parts of my body. I want to feel more in shape and to look better in my clothes :) But I think my main motivation is going to be to be able to look wonderful in my anniversary dress.

Anniversary dress you say? Hehe yes ;) I can't give too much away right now, but December 15th is going to be our 2 year anniversary (dating) and I think it will be fun to celebrate a bit. I might write about that more in another post sometime, but I think it's too soon right now...but I am looking forward to it!

My younger cousin, Kelli, is getting married in December btw! It is going to be in upstate New York, so I am not sure if I will be able to go...but if some good fortune happens and I am able to go, I can wear the anniversary dress I'm planning on getting. Now this is all assuming I do not stay extremely broke! My financial aid is being confusing again, but I am hoping everything will be fine with that. I don't know why it wouldn't be, but for some reason it is not showing up right online and just being a pain like that. We'll see.

SCHOOL
I am taking two online classes this semester. Society & Environment in History and Website Development. I am really enjoying them, actually! I have learned a lot so far, and I actually really enjoy doing my Website Development homework. We started making this mini website, and each week we add to it using what we learned that week. It's a really good way to practice what we learn and it makes it a lot easier to understand everything. Especially with all the XHTML and CSS coding we are doing, practice makes perfect. Our final project is going to be to make a website about whatever we want, and it is going to be challenging, but I am looking forward to it :)

The fact that I enjoy my courses has really made me realize that I won't ever regret college. Every single class I have taken thus far has been valuable to me in some way. I have taken a variety of classes and have had lots of different experiences and learned a lot. It is very rewarding. Even if I never end up with a degree, or if I do but don't use that degree, at least I won't feel like I wasted time or money. I actually didn't have to pay anything from my own pocket for school. Grants always covered my full tuition. I do have quite a few loans, but I took those out by choice, and it is because of that and school that I was able to do a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to otherwise, unless I was working a lot, which I wasn't ready for.
So, in that sense, college has only had a positive impact on my life so far. It feels good to be able to say that now, because I used to doubt that. I kept thinking I was wasting time and money on this and I might not ever have much to show for it. Then I really thought about it and realized I haven't really wasted anything at all, and I have certainly gained a lot.

Now that I think about it, that wouldn't really have been true if I was able to go to a school in Montana, like I had planned. Then I would have had loans that were being used towards my education, so then I would feel obligated and pressured to attain and use that degree, or else what was the point? Maybe it wasn't meant to be, for that very reason. I don't know...but whenever something not so good happens in my life, after some time goes by I am able to look back and see the positives that came from it. I don't know if that makes the bad times okay, but it makes it a lot easier to move on without regrets. With each step i take, I discover new possibilities which makes me realize that it's not always about failing or succeeding. No matter what I do or don't do, life is a journey and every moment counts for something. You can't fail at life. For me, that little thought makes it all okay. :)
Essex Jct., VT Fall 2007 By Kayla Wood

Room projects & Mini Haul

2009-09-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have slowly been fixing up my room the way I envisioned it :) and I am really liking it thus far. There is still quite a bit to do, but I thought I would update you on some of the new additions. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I had planned to work on a little photo collage for my desk. Well, I finished that a few days ago. I have some colored polka dots I was going to put on there, but I decided not to. I will try to find another use for those.

I also decided I wanted to make something that I could hang my necklaces on, because I was tired of them getting all tangled together in the jewelry box. I stumbled upon this idea and decided to try it.

First, you get some vase filler gems (I already had some for another project I am going to be working on eventually). If you use the clear kind, you can just glue whatever color paper you want to the back of it to get the desired color. If you use a colored gem, you should still glue a piece of paper to the back, but just remember that the color paper you use will show through as well. For example, I used green paper on the back of the light blue gems to create a teal effect. I glued the paper on using decoupage glue, since that's all I had, but you could probably use hot glue or anything suitable. Then, you take some ordinary thumbtacks and hot glue them to the paper on the back of the gems. These were made by the author of the "Project Domestic Bliss" blog, and she used larger gems and used them on the bulletin board she made, which is another lovely idea.

However, here is how I chose to use them. I just painted this today :)
My duvet cover and pillow shams (as well as my textbooks for school) came a couple days ago and I was thrilled! The estimated delivery date wasn't until next week. It was a pain in the butt to get the cover on my down comforter, but it's all good now.
MINI HAUL:

I got this top and necklace from forever21! I loooove it loooove it looove it. It just got here today and I'm already wearing it lol.I think that's all I'm gonna include in this post :-P I did order a few other things, but I don't wanna update until they get here, so I can let you know how I like them.

Hope you enjoyed!

My Own Room

2009-08-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Hi again,

It's been a bit since I last posted, so I thought I would update you on what's been going on for the past week or so. As you know, my boyfriend Brian is an RA (resident assistant) for the college freshmen that live in the overflow apartments. I will tell you, it is....interesting...being an RA's girlfriend. He is so busy, and it's not like a regular job where at least you know their hours and when they'll be done working. It's pretty much a 24/7 on-call type job. He never knows when he is going to have to help with this or go do that. It's frustrating at times, but I'm proud of him and I know it's a good experience for him. I just wish the freshmen didn't need a constant babysitter, because on weekends he can't really leave his apartment, unless his roommate Justin is there. His roommate likes to go fishing on weekends, so I dunno how often he'll be there either. That stinks because he's busy with classes, RA duties, and homework during the week, and I was hoping we would at least have the weekend to go do something fun together. Oh well, I shouldn't complain. At least I am in the same State and town as him this fall. That's a first! I should be grateful.

Anywho, last weekend was pretty fun. We went to the rc club opening event and it was pretty neat. We bought a few raffle tickets hoping to win the $200 Slash, but we didn't win it. At least a little kid won though. Brian did win an airbrush set, some tools, and spray paint though, so that was cool. I am glad that the soda was free too!There's Brian about to start a Slash race on the short course track. It was definitely fun, but I got sooo dirty and really needed a shower after. Also, we were outside in the hot sun for 8 hours, so I got pretty sunburned. Not good.

Brian's 21st birthday was Monday! I had so much fun wrapping his presents. I wrapped two of the gifts and then wrapped those together multiple times in wrapping paper, aluminum foil, bags, and even duct tape haha! The look on his face as he was opening it was priceless LOL! I got him some parts for his rc car, because that's what he really wanted. I also got him a new body for it that he can paint himself. The only problem is that they sent the wrong one. It had the right label on it, but it was definitely the wrong body. It was too big and made for a different type of rc car. The good thing about that though, is that they are going to send the right one AND he gets to keep the other one. The one he has now is actually worth more than the one he was supposed to get, so if he sells it then that's basically like getting the body for free for his car and making a profit! Kind of cool how that worked out. I also did a painting for him and he really loves it, so I'm glad. I put a lot of time into it and I really enjoyed making it for him.

His birthday was on the freshmen orientation day, so we couldn't have a big celebration or anything, but we still had a good time. We got to go to a free movie at the drive-in theater! It had been a really long time since I'd done that, so it was coooool. Then after that we had some Oreo pie instead of a birthday cake (his choice). It was pretty yummy. I also got to spend the night at his place =]

So yea, since Brian doesn't live here any more, I have my own room! It's bittersweet though. I would much rather have him here, of course, but I have to look at the bright side. I get to have my own space, to decorate how I like and do as I please. I plan to keep it a lot more tidy than it used to be, and slowly over the next few weeks I will be organizing and decorating it. One thing I already did was organize my closet and dresser. I had clothes in a pile on the floor and stuffed in the drawers and at the bottom of the closet, and this is a big no-no now! I hung up almost all of my clothes, and I arranged the tops according to sleeve type. It goes tank tops, vests, short sleeves, 3/4 sleeves, long sleeves. And in each little category I somewhat organized them by color. It's not that I am overly organized or anal like that or anything. I actually did it to try to prevent my disorganized tendencies. I can be pretty messy, and I really don't like it, especially since my room is so small as it is. It really does not help to be cluttered. I am determined to make sure everything has it's place and that everything goes back in it's place when I'm not using it. The way I have my closet set up makes it SO much easier for me to find what I need or to put together an outfit. It also really motivates me to hang things back up because it's easy to find the hanger it was on, since I know right where it should go.

I also organized my desk somewhat.

I still have to organize my books, make it look nicer, and some of Brian's things are still on it, but it looks much better than it did with Brian's stuff scattered everywhere. Bless his heart, but he had way too much stuff on there lol. I am in the process of making a little photo collage for the background of one of the cubby areas on the desk. I put some purple paper there, so I'm going to glue on some black and white photos I printed. I hope it will look good. Even if it doesn't look that amazing, I love pictures and having them there to look at will be nice, so I'm sure I'll love it anyway. Another really simple and pretty thing I decided to do was this:

I just put a candle on a decorative plate with some rocks around it and then a few dried flowers from a craft store. I think it's a really easy way to add some color :) I ordered everything from an online craft store, except the plates. Brian and I went to Walmart yesterday to find some candle plates. They had a few in the candle section, but they weren't really what I was looking for and they weren't exactly cheap enough either. So, I was thinking we weren't going to find anything at Walmart, but then Brian happened to notice some (I think it was a kitchen accessories section?) that were nice and only $1 each =] woohoo. Those are some of the things I've done so far, but I have a few more ideas in mind as well. My mom sent me my down comforter and it should be here in a few days. I also have a duvet cover for it that got shipped out a couple days ago, so who knows when that will get here. I hope soon! I want to make a bunch of paintings for my walls, but I don't want to start until the duvet cover gets here, so I can match the colors from my bed into my paintings. I think it would help tie everything together, so it doesn't look so random and clashy in here.

Another thing I'd been wanting to do was to figure out a better way to store or display my head bands. For now, they are hidden away in a wooden box, and I don't really like that. They don't fit in there very well and they always end up tangled together and I make a mess trying to get the one out that I want. I thought maybe some sort of wall hanger for them would be good, but I couldn't really find anything that I like and I didn't want to spend a lot of money on it. So, I looked up some ideas online for ways to make your own headband holders, and I really liked the oatmeal container idea. (sort of like this....)
I have some decoupage glue so I could easily take any kind of pretty paper and decoupage that onto an oatmeal container (the cylinder kind) and then put all my headbands on that. It's cool because you can also store things inside the container. You could also put fabric around a paper towel roll, which looks nice, but I like the idea of being able to put things inside the headband holder as well, so I might try the oatmeal version. I'll try that out and then let you know how it went! I am going to go to goodwill sometime as well and see if I can find anything there that might look good in my room =]

I am excited for decorating! yay! It's definitely going to be very simple and nothing drastic, but I think it will be much more feminine than it was, and much more me <3

I Will Love You Tomorrow

2009-08-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I'm all alone for the weekend and I'm getting pretty lonely, so I thought I might as well write an entry. It's kind of like talking to people, right? Well maybe not quite, but it's all I've got at the moment. Anyway, Brian left for his RA retreat yesterday morning, and he won't be back until Sunday, so it's just me in this practically vacant house. I like a little alone time now and then, but it definitely takes some getting used to, especially when you know it's going to be for awhile. The nights are the worst. I am so used to having someone there next to me to cuddle up with. It feels so strange sleeping alone. Actually, I shouldn't use the word alone. I have to say to myself, "You are not alone...just by yourself for now." None of us are ever really alone. There is always someone out there going through the same thing as us, and more than likely there is someone thinking of us and loving us. That thought gives me strength.
It's those little things that keep me going even through the rough times. This week has been a little bumpy, and I have found myself relying on those simple comforts a bit more than usual. For example, the night before Brian left I was thinking ahead. You see, every night before we fall asleep, we do this special goodnight kiss routine. It's sort of like a secret handshake, except, well, it's a kiss of course. It's simple and sweet, and I love it. Little routines like that comfort me, but I guess the down side is that when it doesn't or can't happen, it bothers me. I am like a child in that way. I knew I would probably have a hard time falling asleep on my own without my goodnight kisses, so to help ward off depression, that night I had Brian give me all the goodnight kisses I would miss when he was gone. It's silly, but priceless.
I remember when Brian and I had to have a long-distance relationship, he would always give me a sweet goodnight call each night. We'd talk for a while, and then he would always end the call with something a long the lines of "I love you so much, and I will love you tomorrow. Sweet dreams." Those words meant so much to me, especially since words were the basis of our relationship at the time. We couldn't hug and kiss each other or look into each other's eyes for reassurance. At the time, words were more important than ever. And at that time, I was struggling with worrisome thoughts. For some reason I was so afraid to go to sleep at night, and I'm not really sure why. I just wanted to stay on the phone with him all night, and I didn't want to have to endure the darkness on my own. Perhaps I didn't like the uncertainty the next day brings. After many difficult nights, one night before saying goodnight, I asked him, "Will you love me tomorrow?" I am not one of those people that expects a promise of "forever". I could never ask you to love me forever, for that would make me naive, but if you know you'll love me tomorrow, that is enough for me and that's all I could ever ask for.
From that night on, I asked him that very question every night during our goodnight call, and eventually I didn't even have to ask, he would just say it to me. It was empowering, for more than just the promise of love... I drew strength from those words because they reminded me that everything would be okay. Yes, we can never know what tomorrow may bring, but we have to move forward anyway. A new day is a new beginning, and it's so refreshing to wake up with a smile on my face.
Love,
Kayla

P.S.
Speaking of smiles...I'm not sure how to describe the joy I felt last night when I rediscovered an old "buddy" of mine.
This is Squirrel! Yes, I know..you're probably wondering, "A toy alligator?...okay..." Haha well yep. Last summer on our trip to white sulphur springs, I found him in one of the pools. I decided to keep him as a souvenir and an inside joke of sorts. I had kept him in one of my bags for a while, but then one day I couldn't find him. I remember turning that bag inside out trying to figure out where it went, with no luck. Just last night I was looking in that very same bag for a pencil sharpener and I came across Squirrel and my Ipod Shuffle I had been looking for. Well go figure! They were right in there all along... This morning I snapped that pic with my cell phone and sent it to Brian saying "Hellooooooo". He replied, "You found him?! Squirrel!" That made me giggle. =] So hooray! Me and my swimming buddy have been reunited! LOL...I'm way too sentimental. ;)

A New Perspective

2009-08-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

I came across this article, and I must say, it offers an interesting perspective on college. The author explains it so well. The things he says are things I guess I already knew, but just didn't know how to put into words:

"I got the idea for this article after overhearing a conversation the other day between two teenagers. One was arguing that getting a degree was the only way to get a good job to make good money and the other was arguing that getting a degree wasn’t necessary in today’s day and age in order to make good money.

I’m sure you or someone you know have had this debate at least once and I think it’s one that’s becoming louder and louder with each new generation.

One side drags the income chart out and points to the statistics of bachelor degree holders earning way more than high school graduates

The other side then gestures to famous high school or college dropouts and the successes they’ve had, proudly pointing out that they didn’t need degrees to succeed and that they had college graduates working for them.

One side is proud to claim themselves as “well rounded” for the education they received at university.

The other side points out that what they learned in school doesn’t really help or apply in the “real world.”

The two seem to be endlessly at war, each countering the other’s arguments, dragging the debate to the point where there seems to be no clear winner. Every side seems to have its own pros and cons.

So let’s sort this whole mess out and discover the true value of a college degree and see if it is really worth it in this day and age.

Ever since we were little, we were told college was the answer by our teachers and our parents. We were put on the college conveyor belt. It would give us the good life. It would get us the job and we would make good money because of it.

And they were right.

If they said that to us thirty years ago.

The idea that a college degree alone will help you in life today is obsolete.

Back in the day, everything that was said about getting a degree was true. If you had a degree, you separated yourself from the pack. Not many people were able to get degrees because not many people were able to afford college. It was normally reserved for the rich or upper middle class. And that’s precisely why the degree was so valued,

It was valued because it was scarce.

Scarcity creates value.

Nowadays, more and more people are going to college and in turn, a lot of degrees have been handed out so the scarcity of a college degree has dropped.

For every job opening there is, you have a hundred applicants, all with degrees. What’s going to separate them from one another?

The value of a college degree has declined.

But is there some value left?

The answer is yes.

Here’s the thing that a lot of people overlook when having the degree debate. Most people are only thinking of college in terms of a vehicle that gets them a good job after they graduate.

They fail to realize the other benefits of going to college, aside from getting a job, that are intangible. Things like finding a marriage partner, making life long friends, making good contacts, networking with classmates and professors, the college life itself, exposing yourself to a broader scope of education, developing analytical and critical thinking skills, etc.

If you’re spending tens of thousands of dollars on an education, you might as well get the most out of it because after all, it is an investment on your part.

Unfortunately, according to the rules of society, or the system, whatever you like to call it, having a college degree does open a lot of doors and that’s just the way it is.

If you don’t have a degree, your employment options are significantly reduced. Getting a college degree is important if you want to open up your possibilities in terms of employment. Ask any job recruiter and you’ll see just how important having that degree on your resume is in that respect.

Why that is so, I have no idea. That’s just the way the system is set up and that’s how the game is played unfortunately.

A college degree also serves as a hammer that will help you break the glass and salary ceiling in corporate America. It’s very hard to get into management in Corporate America without a degree and it’s very hard to get past a certain salary level without a degree as well.

Why this is so? Again. It beats me. That’s just how the system is set up. And it’s too bad some companies play by those rules.

But amidst all this talk of a college degree opening doors, high salaries, intangible benefits, there is one major drawback of getting a degree. What is that?

Debt.

They always forget to include that don’t they? But some may say it’s a good investment because you get a high paying job so you can easily pay it off.

But remember, that was then. What about now?

It is precisely this factor of high debt coupled with the dropped value of a college degree in today’s day and age that has led to and sparked the debate of “degree vs. no degree”.

Because the value of a degree has dropped, many college graduates are having hard time finding work. They don’t have experience or marketable skills. Just a degree. So they can’t get that high paying job they want.

Meanwhile, it’s time to pay the piper and more often than not, those monthly payments on the loans they took out are pretty high. Couple that with the fact that credit card companies prey on college kids and the materialistic attitude of today’s generation which contributes to another high monthly bill and you’re looking at Generation Debt.

These college grads have to pay the bills, so they get any kind of job they can to pay the bills, even if it seems “beneath” them.

People on the outside point to this and say: “Aha! That degree you got was useless. Look where it got you. You’re working in a dead end job.”

And the college graduates of course feel the need to defend their investment in college and thus the war starts.

I think in this day and age, there’s a lot of post college disillusionment. Hence, the new phrase - “quarter life crisis” (a sort of mid life crisis for 20 and 30 year olds)

College students graduate with no job lined up because they were still living according to the rules of the past. They thought the all powerful degree would magically open the doors of employment for them.

Meanwhile, there are bills that need to be paid and they can’t get the jobs they want because they have no marketable skills or experience, so they get stuck in less than ideal jobs in order to pay those bills. They can’t seem to break free from those jobs out of fear of not being able to pay the bills and they can’t break into the job they want because they have no experience or skills. A viscous cycle indeed.

The college dreams have failed them. They’ve become disillusioned.

What’s worse is when they don’t even know what they want to do.

They had this path laid out before them ever since they were young but nobody tells them what to do exactly after they graduate. Just marry, buy a house in the suburbs, and have 2.5 kids but nobody fills them in on the financial or career details.

They realize they’ve been had. That what they were told in high school about college was all a lie.

It wasn’t a lie.

It was just an outdated message.

Students need to wake up. Just having a degree alone isn’t going to cut it in today’s day and age.

Real world marketable skills and experience are the things being left out and those are the things that are scarce and will start to differentiate one person from another. These things comprise of the new “degree”.

Now let’s tackle those who argue that a college degree isn’t worth it these days.

The argument they use most often is the “Look at Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. They dropped out of college and look at them now.”

Before I go any further, I want to make something perfectly clear. You don’t need a college degree. But can it help? Of course it can. We just discussed the benefits.

But let me say this to those who use the Bill Gates/Steve Jobs argument.

People like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are the exception, not the rule.

And you have to realize that they DID go to college. They did. And who knows if the experiences they had in college shaped their future and contributed to their success.

That’s what happened with Steve Jobs. He got the idea for Apple’s typography after popping into a calligraphy class at college. That’s another benefit of college. It exposes you to a whole new world of ideas that might help you later on in the future.

Of course there are those who never went to college and succeeded. What do I have to say to that?

For every person who makes it even though they dropped out or never went to college, there are thousands who don’t.

Then, there’s a third angle that’s not often mentioned in school today but I figure will soon gain a lot of momentum and that is vocational schooling.

Vocational schooling mostly trains you directly for a specific job. Welder, plumber, electrician, etc. The truth is, these types of blue collar jobs pay just the same, if not more than the jobs that can be obtained with a bachelor’s degree. The only reason why most people don’t go for these types of jobs is the lack of “prestige”.

But let me tell you something about prestige. It’s highly overrated. Most people spend their whole lives trying to impress other people at the expense of their own happiness and that’s ludicrous. People who do this often feel “empty” because they are living a life dictated by the opinions of others. They are in effect, a slave to other’s opinions of themselves.

So let’s answer the question once and for all.

Is getting a college degree worth it these days?

The answer is:

It depends on what you want to do.

I know everyone wants a definitive yes or no answer but the truth is, it really does depend on what you want to do.

If you want to become an electrician, vocational school is the answer so a degree isn’t worth it to you.

If you want to become a doctor or lawyer, then of course a degree is worth it to you.

If you want to start your own business, and you have a solid plan with capital, then you might think getting a degree isn’t worth it to you right now.

But therein lays the problem.

Most of our high school students have NO idea what they want to do.

And because they don’t know, they just go along with the “go to college plan”. They do it because it’s the thing to do. So they enroll as an undeclared major, party and waste time, then major in a liberal arts major, graduate, can’t get a job because they have no experience or skills, meanwhile the debt is piling up so they get any job they can to pay the bills and they throw their hands in the air and proclaim that the system has failed them, becoming disillusioned with their lives in the process.

If high school students start taking the time to think about their future and what they want to do, they can choose their direction accordingly and avoid a lot of potential problems down the road.

I think that part of the problem here is that there is too much of a “Go to college or else you’ll fail in life” mentality being preached in our schools today.

It’s dangerous to hold that belief because you block out all other options.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think going to college and getting a degree is a great investment, but only for the right reasons.

Now in an ideal world, high school kids will seriously think about their futures and plan accordingly, but let’s face it, most students don’t.

They’re more interested in looking cool, or playing World of Warcraft or buying the latest gadgets.

The problem here is that our educational system is outdated.

It needs to be updated in order to accommodate the times we live in today and help kids realize that there are other options other than going to college, depending on what they want to do.

But the problem is again, most of them don’t know what they want to do.

One way to do that is to offer more career counseling and “real world” skill training in our high schools and colleges so that kids can be exposed to more career opportunities and choose their paths accordingly. You need that to bridge the gap because students are not going to do it on their own because they don’t realize how important that is yet.

Another big trap people delude themselves into thinking that once they choose a path, they can’t go back.

If you decide to start your own business after high school but realize entrepreneurship is not for you and you want to become a lawyer instead, you can always go back and get that degree.

If you graduate with a degree, but can’t get the job you want, it doesn’t mean you’re screwed. You can always develop skills and experience to get that job or you can always get that job through other means such as networking, or you can even start your own business

Or if you decide that a white collar job is not for you, and you want a more hands on experience job, you can always enroll in vocational school and become an electrician instead.

All I want to say is that a degree IS worth it, for the right reasons, and provided that you maximize your investment in college to help give you that edge that will differentiate yourself from all the other people who have the same degrees.

This includes getting experience, developing marketable and cross marketable skills, paying off as much tuition as you can so you don’t graduate with a lot of debt, making valuable networking contacts, landing internships relevant to your field, etc.

Unfortunately it is true that “the system” is set up to open more doors and higher salaries for those with degrees, but the fact remains, it’s always up to you. If you want to get in those doors and get those salaries then get that degree.

But if you want to go through a different door that doesn’t require a degree that offers the same salary or higher salary or lower salary, then go for it, because that’s the door YOU want to go through.

A college degree isn’t the only investment you can make that can open up more doors and get you more money.

There’s another investment you can always make and that’s YOU.

Develop yourself to you full potential. Learn how to sell yourself and your ideas. Be the best person you can be. Learn how to communicate, socialize, and connect with all kinds of people. Learn how to negotiate with other people. Learn how to get the information you need. Learn computer skills.

Getting through the doors you want to go through will largely be a result of these kinds of investments you make in yourself , not just having that piece of paper.

I think we need to stop instilling the idea that college is the answer to everything and instead, encourage our young ones to look within first.

Help them discover what kind of work they want to do. What kind of lifestyle they want to live. Maybe work isn’t even that important to them so much as spending time with their families.

Whatever it is, they should decide what they want to do and choose their actions accordingly, whether that’s just getting a job out of high school, going to college to get a degree, getting some vocational training, or starting their own business.

Regardless of whatever path you choose, always remember that the best investment you can make is always in yourself, because after all, it always begins and ends with YOU."

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been SO confused about my future and what I want to do with my life. Because of my financial situation, I have decided to stop pursuing my Bachelor's Degree for now. Is it going to be a permanent thing? I am not sure. Am I going to finish up my Associate's instead? Am I just going to enter the work force? Am I ready for that? These are all questions I have yet to answer for myself, and only I can answer them. No one can tell me what to do, because no one knows what I want. Heck, I don't even know what I want. After reading this article titled "Is Getting a College Degree Worth it These Days", I realize that is precisely my problem. Not knowing what I want has caused me so much confusion and has caused me to go in circles, wasting time and money. Actually I don't feel like I wasted too much time and money. Every class I have taken, I have learned a lot from and I have had priceless experiences. Also, school was paid for, for the most part. The few loans I have taken out so far have allowed me to do the things I wanted to do at the time, and so I guess it was worth it.

Still, I do feel like I jumped into the college scene without thinking twice. It just seemed like the right thing to do. It's what my family wanted me to do. It's what we were told was best in High School. It's what society says to do. How can you argue with that? At the time it was what I wanted to do as well, but I change my mind so much. One moment I will be set on a decision, and the next I'm in a completely different mindset. I think the author of this article makes a good point, that many of us pursue a college degree for the wrong reasons. We just assume having the degree is going to get us a job. That is so not true. If you know what you want to do, and you get experience in that area, then yes, the degree will be beneficial, but otherwise it might just bury you in debt and make things more difficult for you. That is what I'm worried about. So far, my college experience has been beneficial to me and nothing can take that away. But now I am at the end of the line, and the decisions I make from here on out can affect my future in a big way. If I continue going to school just for the heck of it, with no real goal in mind, without gaining experience and working on myself, then I will be essentially digging myself into a hole. My efforts will have been in vain. If I don't know what is right for me, then I should not just continue blindly down this path. I have a feeling that would be a very unwise thing to do.

Blah

2009-08-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was not a very good day...

I had went up to the college on Friday to work out some financial aid stuff and I was given a list of things I had to do and was told to come back on Monday to finalize everything. I went home Friday and got everything done that day and I was feeling pretty good about it, since I had been trying to get it all worked out for practically the whole summer. I finally felt some relief...but that was short-lived.

On Monday, I returned to the school and met with this really nice lady. She even moved my papers to the top of the pile to make the whole process pretty much instant. Everything was going smoothly, until she called up the PLUS loan people. They said my mom had been denied for the parent loans, which wasn't such a big deal, because I was expecting that. I knew my Stafford loans would be able to increase, since my mom was denied the other loan.

What I did not know was that the Stafford loan would not increase enough...not even enough to cover my tuition. I still owed a couple hundred dollars and was not going to be getting any kind of refund for living expenses and books. The lady was very sympathetic, but she could not help me in anyway. She said she wished she could just make it higher. My need was several thousand dollars higher than what they were offering me in financial aid. Honestly, I don't understand how that happens. The financial aid should meet the need, even if it means more loans. The world is just difficult like that I guess. It can't be easy. It can't just make sense. (I had to come back and correct myself here...the world is actually really simple and beautiful...it is society...people who have made it so complicated...but I won't go into that....)

My only option was to take out a private loan, so as soon as I got home I looked into it. I applied for a few of those loans, but at the end of each application it said I needed a cosigner. Well, that was out of the question.... so I spent the day wondering, what now? What am I supposed to do? What can I do? I guess I could have just paid the few hundred dollars to be enrolled at the college and then got a job to cover living expenses and books, but I dunno, that would have been so ify. The more I thought about it, the less I liked the idea of being tens of thousands of dollars in debt from student loans. I felt like I was digging myself into a hole that I'd never be able to get out of. I really don't like that feeling.

So what are my other choices then? I looked into UVM, but the financial aid they were offering didn't look too good either. Most of the grants I used to get from them were replaced by loans, and one of those being a PLUS loan, which I already know I can't get. So, my last resort was looking into CCV again. I have been taking online classes through there for a few semesters, and it always worked out really great. The problem with that though is that it does nothing as far as earning my bachelor's degree. I am a few classes away from an associate's in Liberal Studies through them, but what good is that really? Better than nothing I guess? I was so set on getting my Bachelor's. I had finally made up my mind. I finally had a plan, but it all got turned to crap! It is so frustrating. It seriously feels like one step forward, two steps back. Am I not meant to get my dang degree? Why is it so difficult for me to complete it? Why has it taken so long! This should have been my final year of college. I should have a bachelor's in Zoology. I guess it's no one's fault but mine....

I screwed up that semester at UVM. Everything could have been perfect, but I messed up. I was getting enough grants to cover my full tuition and to get a couple thousand dollars in refund each semester. It was amazing, and I threw it all down the drain. I could have graduated college, not in debt like most students, but over 8 grand ahead! What an awesome start to my life that would have been. I seriously messed it up. Why did I do that? What is my problem? Why do I change my mind so much? I really don't have the answers.... the only thing I know is that it just didn't feel right at the time. I get so confused, and I can't decide what the right thing for me is. I still have no idea! So many times I thought I knew, and I was so sure I would make it happen, but then it just falls apart. In an instant, it's gone.

I cried so much yesterday. I felt so helpless and lost. I felt so stupid and pathetic. Everything that happens to me is my own doing, isn't it? Do I sabotage myself? I am starting to think it might be so. How can I stop that? Why is it so easy for some people, but so hard for others? I know people who just shine success. Everything they do turns out good and their life just falls into place...into perfect harmony. My life on the otherhand, is not so simple. It's full of mazes and puzzels and I can't quite fit the pieces together to find the right path. I can't decide what to do. Is college not the right answer for me? I know people who do just fine without a college degree. I know it is possible to get a job you love and that pays well without having to aquire massive debt first. I know people who are glad they didn't go to college. I can understand that. I just don't know what I would do then. What kind of job would I get? I am so terrified that I won't be able to get a job. My anxieties have kept me from that so far. Why do I assume it'll be any different in a year or two?

Well, my boyfriend wants me to go play in the sprinkler lol, so I'll be back in a few to continue this...

I'm back! That was fun =] and a nice break from all of this thinking. It's simple moments like those that make life worth living. I love my boyfriend so much. I love spending time with him and he really makes me happy. I am so grateful to have him in my life, and he is one of the few things that I am sure of in my life. I feel bad though, because he thinks he is the reason my college life has gone down hill. He thinks it's his fault that I left UVM. He thinks if it wasn't for him I would still be going there. I told him it definitely had nothing to do with him. I would probably be in the same situation even if he wasn't part of the equation. He has actually made life so much better for me. I am not lonely or depressed like I used to be. If it wasn't for him, I probably would have been too depressed to go back to school at all. I was ready to quit completely and he was the one who encouraged me to apply at CCV, and to not give up. He is the reason I am in Montana though, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It has been difficult school-wise, since I'm an out-of-stater, but if I could go back and do it again, I would still move out here. I have no regrets as far as that goes. I would not trade the times we have had together for anything! No use looking back and wondering what if anyway. The past is for memories and learning from mistakes, nothing more. I have to stay focused on the now and the future.

The now.... well I still am not quite sure what to do. The plan right now is to take a couple online classes at CCV this semester and get a job to start saving up. After that I could finish up to get my associate's degree or just start working. I do want my Bachelors, but at this point it just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. Would quiting school make me a failure? That's how society would see me, right? Is that how my family would see me? Would they be disappointed? Does it even matter? I am not sure. It's my life and in the end I think all that matters is that I did what I wanted to do. The problem is I don't really know how to explain what I want. I think I know what I want. I have a vision. I just don't know how to make it come true. I am afraid I will disappoint myself. I think I really need to sit down and think this all through. No more wasting time going in circles. I need to be realistic. I need a plan. I need to stick to it. I need to start making my dreams come true! Taking a deep breath...here goes...

What do I have to do? Why can't this hurt be through? I'm going head unto something I know I will fail.

[On a lighter note, the guy from the Discovery Channel called me today! He got the dvd we sent and wanted to confirm with me that I own the videos. So far so good :) I still think it's really cool!]

Ramble

2009-08-08T13:40:00.001-07:00

Hi there! It's been a while since I've last posted, but that is because I have been out of town and have had a lot going on lately. Brian and I headed to Great Falls for a few days at the end of July. We went to the Montana State Fair, which was pretty fun. We didn't go on any rides this year, but that's okay because there was plenty to do. Looking at the exhibits and watching the shows filled up the whole day for us! I even got picked to go onstage during the mental illusionist show. I was an unwilling participant at first, but as soon as I got up there I was all smiles and just went with it. I was nervous at first, but then I told myself that everyone was there to enjoy themselves, so who cares? :) The fair is definitely one of those yearly traditions you have to do...well I think you should at least. It doesn't matter where I am. I like to go to at least one fair each year. This year I even got to have a funnel cake. I wasn't sure if they had those in Montana, because Brian didn't even know what it was lol. He had heard of fry bread, but not fried dough or funnel cakes....how odd! There was one thing I wanted to do, but didn't, and that was to get a henna tattoo. I got one at my UVM orientation a few years ago, and I thought it would be cool to see if I could find a henna booth at the fair. We did see one, but I didn't have much money on me, so we didn't bother checking out the price. Oh well, maybe next year.

Wood Lake, Montana

We also went camping again, but for a week this time. It was my first time at Wood lake, which is a little ways from Augusta. It seems like Montana has a lot of lakes, but some of them are rather small, and I'd feel more inclined to call them large ponds. I guess that's just because I am used to Lake Champlain from back east. That's a pretty big lake, which is funny because it was almost going to be considered the 6th great lake, but then they decided it is way too small compared to the other great lakes. Wow! But it's true. Looking at a map, Lake Champlain looks like a tiny sliver compared to those lakes. I would love to visit them someday. I might have seen one already, but I don't remember it. Anyway, Wood lake is a cute little lake. It looks so serene at dusk, especially as the sun sets and reflects on the water. I always enjoy camping much more if there is some sort of water nearby, be it a creek, a river, a lake, or whatever. I just love water! So, I certainly appreciated wood lake.
Wood Lake, Montana

At first I wasn't even sure I was going to go camping. I was feeling very sick a couple days before we went, but I decided to just deal with it and go anyway. The first day and night was miserable, but Brian's family was very nice to me, which really helped keep my spirits up. I was pleasantly surprised, because you never know what to expect with them. I thought they would drive me nuts with sarcasm or something. But nope, I seriously got treated like a princess lol, and they were willing to do anything for me. Being sick has it's perks sometimes I guess. In a way, it was kind of a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I DREAD being sick and I've been sick so much this summer, and I'm really fed up with it. It was pretty much one thing after another since i had strep in April. But being sick did keep them off my back a little, and things went a lot more smoothly than last year's camping trip.

Despite not feeling well at times, I was able to enjoy nature's little wonders. We found a few frogs, and if you know me at all, then you know that I absolutely adore those critters. Catching frogs was a childhood passion, and I still carry that with me today. Although, I'm much more gentle and considerate of the frogs now. I try not to disturb them too much. We also saw lots of birds, and even some little ducklings! I had my binoculars with me, so I was able to observe all the wildlife as I pleased. My favorite part was probably hearing the owl at night. Even though we didn't actually see one, it was nice just knowing it was near. I am not real familiar with Montana's wildlife, so I'm not sure exactly what owl species live here, but it kind of sounded like a barred owl to me. They are so beautiful! There were a few barred owls that lived near us in Vermont and I would see one now and then just sitting on a tree branch in the middle of the day. That's one of the things I miss about Vermont, because I doubt I'll be seeing an owl anytime soon in Montana.

Actually, there are a lot of things I miss about Vermont, and I'm sure when fall comes around I'll be missing Vermont even more. There is just something about that Vermont foliage that makes my heart ache for home. I used to love looking out at the colorful sea of trees whenever we went for a drive. I would think to myself, it looks like a bowl of fruity pebbles! Oh, how I loved those colors! I can't really find a photo to do it justice. If you've never experienced it, you definitely should at least once in your life. And if you do go, make sure to research when the peak foliage is likely to occur. Believe it or not, Vermont's Autumns draw in tourists from all over.

Anywho, I don't mean to be a bragger. I am not going to say Vermont is the best place in the world, because that would be ignorant of me. I haven't even been to every place in the world, so to say something like that would be unfair. I love Vermont, and it will always have a special place in my heart, but I am always open to experiencing new places, and learning to love them as well. In fact, that is already happening with Montana. I remember the first time I went camping with Brian's mom, stepdad, and brother. I thought to myself, this is their vacation every year isn't it? I mean, sure they go to a different camp site each year, but it's always camping, and it's always Montana. Why don't they do something different sometime? Fly somewhere exotic or something. But I guess I understand. Montana makes an impression. Montana is a big state, and there really is so much to discover, so I could understand them not really having a reason to go somewhere else. Still, I am more of a traveler, myself. I am just used to that lifestyle, growing up as a military brat and all. I think of everything I have seen and done already and I feel so lucky. Yet, there are still so many places I want to see and so many things I want to do! I want to see all kinds of different places, and as long as Brian and I are still together, I will make sure he gets to see different places too. It's okay to love your home, but you can be open to other places too. There are many different kinds of beauty, and it's neat to discover those little quirks, and the differences and similarities between places. When you think about it, it is amazing that there is so much diversity even without leaving the United States. I have yet to travel very much outside of this country, but I am certainly open to that as well. There are so many beautiful places in the world, and I can't wait to get to see as much of it as possible.
Great Falls, Montana

For now though, I'm content with exploring Montana's natural wonders. It seems like you don't have to go very far to discover a new place that warms your heart. Gibson is certainly one of those places. While we were camping we took a drive over to Gibson Reservoir just so I could see what it was like. Sheila (Brian's mom) had been talking about it for a while now, always saying it was really pretty, so I had high expectations for Gibson and I was pretty excited to finally go there. The first thing we did was pull up by the dam and there was a small body of water there. I thought, um is this it? Really? I hope not, because it's kind of lame. I thought the dam itself was pretty cool, but I was expecting more for the lake. I shrugged to myself and just assumed the actual lake was on the other side of the dam.Then we got back in the car and drove up the mountain, and silly me, there was the lake! I couldn't help but smile. It was so beautiful! And what a view from up there! I seriously could have just sat up there for hours just staring at the water. What a lovely place. I wish I could have went swimming there, but just being there for a short time was wonderful.

Gibson Reservoir, Montana
To wrap it up, camping was a lot of fun, and it didn't take very long after getting home for me to miss it. I mostly miss the scenery and the carefree feeling. It's back to real life though, and boy is it stressful sometimes. School can be an especially big pain in the butt, i'll say! I am disappointed in Montana Tech's response system. They can really take forever to respond to calls and emails properly. For many weeks I was trying to get someone to help me with my financial aid. I had switched enrollment from the College of Technology back to the North Campus, but they still hadn't updated my cost of attendance information, which meant that I wasn't qualifying for the right amount of financial aid. I needed them to update it so that I could go in and accept my awards, in order to finalize my registration by the August 11th due date. I was emailing like crazy whenever I could, which was not as much as I would have liked because my laptop power cord kept breaking....I tried calling a few times before we went camping, but no one answered so I just left a message. When I got back into town I was hoping someone would have called me back, but nope. Instead they sent me an email saying oh I noticed you called us about updating your financial aid. Call this number. WTF....oh well... so I called that number and no one answered so I just left another message. Frustrated, I looked up the emails of everyone in the business office and enrollment processing and emailed ALL of them! lol... sounds crazy but I needed someone to answer me asap. After a while I realized no one was ever going to do anything unless i got in their face about it, so Brian and I went up to the school and finally got most of the stuff worked out. Now I'm just waiting for things to finish processing, so I can finalize my registration, and if it's not done by Monday I'm supposed to go back in to figure things out. Ugh what a pain, but hopefully it will all work out. Then I just need to reach my advisor so I can drop a class and add a class. Easier said then done....

Between my school issues and computer cord issues, I was about ready to pull my hair out. I really wanted to go back to camping and not have to worry about this crap! There was some light at the end of the tunnel at least. A couple weeks ago we went to one of the Evel Knievel Days here in Butte. It was my first time and I will certainly go again next year if I can. Of course, I had my camera with me and I filmed and took lots of pictures. When we got home, I edited some of the footage together and posted it on youtube. One of the clips was from the Spanky Spangler stunt show and he had attempted a world record car jump. He crashed the car front first on the hill and it took a while for the rescuers to get him out of the car. He was taken away in an ambulance, but he survived thankfully. Anyway, I put together that youtube video just as a fun way to remember the day, and then a few days later I get this email from someone from the Discovery Channel asking me if I am the owner of that footage, and if they could license it for an episode. Under his name it said Segment Producer, Destroyed in Seconds, so I am guessing it would be for that show. I was thrilled that they noticed it and were interested in it, so of course I said yes! I overnighted (charged to them hehe) the videos through fedex yesterday, so hopefully I'll hear back soon. I thought that was pretty cool and exciting. Just one of those things that you don't expect, and makes you smile. :D

This is definitely really long, so I think I'll end here. Just thought I'd let you know what I've been up to. I hope everyone is enjoying the summer. It'll be over before you know it.

BTW: All of the photos in this post are mine except the "I LOVERMONT" one, which I simply made the title for. =]

Hair

2009-07-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

There's a post title I didn't anticipate making! Probably because I don't think my hair is anything to brag about really....other than the fact that it is natural I suppose.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I got some hair care products, and it seems to help :) I mean, my hair is nothing fancy and I don't dye it or anything, but I figured it could use some pampering, especially some heat protection from the straightener. I also picked up a simple leave in conditioner. It's really nice to put a little bit in my hair to give it a boost and a quick refresher. My boyfriend always says I smell nice whenever I use it too, so that's a bonus lol.

FOTD Just simple today
A friend on Facebook uploaded some new photos, and I noticed in one of her pictures she was wearing a dress that I have. It was hanging up in my closet for a few months, and it actually still had the tag on it! I decided to wear it today =] I also have the green/purple version.

FOTD

2009-07-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday
I think some monitors will make me look really red, but oh well. On my screen it doesn't and I promise I wasn't sun burnt!

Today
It was really hard trying to get the colors to show right... and I didn't really succeed... my eyes are not very photogenic either lol
So, I did find a much better eye liner brush, and it really wasn't too bad applying it =] I also tried the peach glow blush from the My Smokey Classics Kit and I love it! It suits me much better than the berry cream blush.
Just for fun

By Lauren Luke

2009-07-17T02:48:00.000-07:00

I really like the packaging =] I will definitely be saving them.
The palettes themselves are nice too.
The mirror is a nice touch.
This is the My Smokey Classics kit
This is the My Vintage Glams kit

SWATCHES:
From top to bottom:
Twilight Ash (eyeshadow)
Antique Pewter (eyeshadow)
Cashmere Cream (eyeshadow)
Peach Glow (blush)
Twilight Ash has glitter

From right to left:

Red Wine (eyeshadow)
Silver Slippers (eyeshadow)
Petticoat Pink (eyeshadow)
Berry Cream (blush)
From top to bottom:
Love Bite (Lip color)
Champagne Kiss (Lip Color)
Cranberry Stain (Lip Color)
Plumberry (Lip Color)

It was kind of difficult to get the colors and shimmer to show properly with my camera and in the lighting at the time, but they are very beautiful colors. I was actually pretty amused when I was applying them to my arm lol. I love looking at them. I love that some of the colors are more subtle. Antique pewter looks like it would be a bold purplish color in the kit, but on your skin it is a light beauty and has more of a brown tint to it. Just perfect for me, since I have always wanted a color like that. Silver Slippers is stunning as well, and I imagine there are a lot of possibilities with that color. Cashmere cream and petticoat pink are lighter shades, and I think they will be great when I just want a neutral, more natural look. Twilight ash and Red wine are definitely the wow colors of the kits. I think each kit has one color that really makes a statement. These are the colors that probably work best in your crease, to give that sultry smokey effect to your eyes.

The blushes are pretty, but I think berry cream might have too much "red" pigment in it for me. A lot of times my cheeks are already red on their own, so applying more reddish color on top of them makes me look really sun burnt. Of course, I can control the amount I put on, so it doesn't necessarily have to be very much. Peach glow looks like it might suit me better, but I have not tried it yet. Lauren, can you make a blush that would be good for people who tend to get red cheeks? Maybe a color that can sort of act as a concealer, but is also pretty like a blush. The eye liner is a nice product, but I have trouble getting eye liner to look right. To be fair, I think it was the brush I was using that was faulty. Maybe I'll see if I have a better brush and see how that goes.

I like the kits, and I am pleased overall. There are 3 other kits available with different colors (My Fierce Violets, My Sultry Blues, and My Luscious Greens...although I think My Fierce Violets is sold out). Each kit comes with 2 shadow primers, 3 eye shadows, 1 blush, 2 lip colors, and 1 cream eye liner. I absolutely love that Lauren hand picked everything in each kit, so that the colors would look well together. It makes it a lot easier for beginners like me, and especially since almost everything I need is in there (aside from mascara and brushes, but I have my own...and foundation, but I don't really use foundation anyway). Thank goodness for your videos too, Lauren. I watched the My Vintage glam one for inspiration before I tried it myself.

Great job Lauren! If you come out with singles, I might purchase a few more things. I don't think I will be buying the other kits, although I would love to have them. I just think two is enough variety for now, and if I get the other kits I will have more primer, eye liner, blush, and lip color than I know what to do with. For those things, all I need is to find one or two colors I really like, because I don't wear them very often. If you do come out with more color singles, particularly eye shadows, then I'll probably get a few.

If you don't know who Lauren is, well I just love her story. She started out selling make up brushes on Ebay, and to inspire her customers she included pictures of her make up. Then, people started asking her how she did it, so she figured a video showing how would be much easier than trying to explain it. She uploaded a video tutorial on YouTube as panacea81, and it took off from there. I am sure she never expected to get so much response!

These are my brushes btw. I meant to include them in a post earlier.

sick and broke

2009-07-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well, as fate would have it...my luck has not been the greatest lately. I guess i was just having too much fun last week (fireworks, camping, concert etc), so it all had to balance out somehow...Saturday afternoon i started feeling a little off, but i didnt think much of it. Some friends came into town that day and we ended up going uptown to check out the folk festival. As soon as i stepped outside, my stomach started turning, but i ignored it. Walking around uptown, it only got worse. I told my bf my tummy was hurting, but there was nothing he could do about it, we were all gonna head back home soon anyway. On the ride home i felt extremely dizzy and naseous. I had flashbacks ofmy fainting incindent (i wont go into detail)....but i thought that was what was happening. It didnt but it was still awful. When we finally got home, i was drastically in need of the bathroom....omg not good....i spent the rest of the evening in there puking. It was a long night...and i feel bad for ignoring my guests...:(..... i got better the next day, but then my bf got sick too. His was a lot milder, but still no fun. My guess is it was a stomach bug. I've had that a few times in the past and it was very similar. You feel sick to your stomach until you have a vomiting episode, feel fine for a brief period then it repeats over and over....you cant keep anything down..and you will keep vomiting even if there is nothing but stomach acid to puke up. yea it sucks hard core... i was just begging for sleep! but i couldnt get to sleep tossing and turning, waiting to puke some more. Eventually, with my dear boyfriends help, i left the bathroom and crawled into bed. my bf gave me a bucket and he was willing to clean it as necessary so i didnt have to stay in the bathroom anymore. i was exhausted and went right to sleep. at last! well i did wake up again later and had another episode...but after that i got betterr..
Also, when we got home from great falls, my macbook power cord broke...the SECOND time in not that long...luckily my bf found a generic version that costs about 1/4 the apple price. I am waiting on that in the mail, so i am actually typing this on my wii. woa!... its not very fast because you have to click each letter. So please pardon me if this is jumpy and vague.
hurray me for typing this much!
ANYWAY...to top it off...my adviser and class registration situation is kind of ticking me off...but oh well...

There is some good news though. My by Lauren Luke kits are here! i will be posting about that later...
take care!

HAUL: Scarves

2009-07-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

I was looking on fashionscarvesandshawls.com and I thought these were pretty:
They had a lot of different colors to choose from for each style, and I ordered a few.

This pink one is the shortest out of the three I ordered, but it's very lovely and light.

The material of this one is different than I expected. I do wish it was soft, but oh well...it's cute and versatile.
I got this one because the color matches my jacket, but it is more of a fall scarf, than a winter one. It's also not soft, but that's okay because I like it anyway. I will get a soft scarf for winter eventually, or perhaps I'll knit myself one. I wish I had my knitting materials here!

Away

2009-07-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been neglecting my Blog already, even though it has probably only been like a week since I last posted. I do have lots of planned posts to make, but I have been busy busy this past week. I've been out of town for the Fourth of July, camping, a concert, and visiting my boyfriend's family. I will probably be back home sometime this weekend, and I will definitely catch up on posting =] Til then, take care!

College Post

2009-07-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

I really need to keep track of my courses and which ones I still need to take, so I thought putting it all here would be helpful.
These are the courses I have already taken, except for the Fall '09 courses, as those are what I am enrolling in for the upcoming semester. I did not earn any credit during the Fall '07 semester. That was my drama semester...I did really like the Ecology and Evolution class though. Everything we learned was so interesting. I kind of regret not being more devoted to it.

Yep, I took Ornithology twice lol. Aced it both times too. I registered late for the Spring '08 semester, so there weren't very many courses open. I needed to be enrolled in more credits for financial aid reasons, so I chose ornithology again, because I really enjoyed it. It was a different experience the second time anyway, and I would not trade it for anything. When I took it at UVM it was mostly a lecture course, with optional birding field trips. I went on a few of them, but not nearly as many as I would have liked. The CCV course was mainly birding field trip oriented, so I got to do that a lot more, which was really fun. If I could, I would take Ornithology again! but I won't because that would be very unnecessary and silly.

These are the courses that are required of my new major. The colored highlighted ones are the ones I've already taken. I did this so I could see what I have left. Someone from the school finally responded to my email about my opinion of the courses not transferring properly. She said they would accept my Exploring Biology course as Cell Biology, and my Biological Anthropology course as General Anthropology. That is really good news, because that's less courses I have to take at MTech. I was pretty bummed though, because they said the chemistry courses are not equivellant. wtf? I really don't understand why....I am pretty sure they cover the same material, but oh well. Gah I hate Chemistry though and I really didn't want to have to do it again.

Here are the requirements for a Biology minor. It doesn't seem to difficult, because most of the courses are included in my major. Genetics is the only one that isn't, but I don't know if I even have to take that. I just hope that the 21 minor credits don't have to be unique from the major credits.
Here is my tentative plan for each semester. Some of the course titles changed. Well that's that. I may come back and revise this whenever necessary.

Oh, and I have a title banner now thanks to photoshop and paintbrush, woohoo!

Do You Use Polyvore?

2009-07-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

Loooove it! I have for a while now. To me it is like an online mall. You can find all different kinds of products, from many different stores, all in one place. You can add items from online stores as well. Plus, you can create looks right on the site and see what looks good together. It's also great if you are looking for something specific, because you can search by keyword or even by color. I know it is probably meant more for creativity than a shopping venue, but it certainly works as one, since that's mostly what I use it for. However, I have made a few creative sets as well.
This one is "My Favorite Color"
This was just a silly Television one I made for fun. Dexter is on TV lol.
I thought I'd make one including one of the tops I recently ordered.

Oh, and I found a Hair Straightener at Good will. It's Infiniti by Conair and it was only 2 bucks. FTW! haha well it's probably not the greatest, but still!

Beauty Tag

2009-06-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

What's your favorite make up look?
I rarely wear makeup actually. Just recently I have started wearing mascara more frequently. However, Lauren Luke has inspired me to try it all out, and I will as soon as I get my kits! ...Not because I want to cover up everything, but because it would be something new and different. I think it can be pretty artistic, especially with all the eyeshadow possibilities. I think the right makeup could give such a unique touch to an everyday look. As far as a specific look, I do really like pink and browns, and I think eye highlight is so pretty. I am kind of intimidated to try eyeliner, but maybe with practice I can get it to look decent.

Do you have a beauty vice?
No not really. I just wear and use whatever I feel like at the time.

What part of your body do you love?
I used to love my legs and back (well after I started gaining some weight. I used to hate my scrawny legs..and I never really liked my knees), but gaining weight has sort of changed that. I am still learning to love myself.

Who is your beauty icon?
No one really. I might be watching a show or a movie and see how someone else dresses, and that might inspire me, but normally I don't try to be like someone else.
I remember watching House one day and the character Allison Cameron was wearing a black vest and I thought she looked really cute, so then I bought myself one. Before that, I didn't really wear vests.

What beauty product makes you feel instantly sexy?
Mascara always helps. Also, aloe gel/lotion. I rub it on my legs and It makes them feel smooth and calm. It also has a cooling effect, which is especially nice if they are irritated.

How do you look after your skin?
I wash my face with a Neutrogena grapefruit scrub. It smells really good, cleans well, and helps a bit with breakouts, but my skin is far from perfect, so I doubt anything would really keep it clear completely. I also use Lubriderm and aloe products.

What is your signature scent?
I mostly use body mists and sprays instead of perfumes. They are almost always fruity, because that's what I prefer. Right now I use a lot of Dove products, and I really like Dove go fresh body mist.

What are your hair care secrets?
I probably don't take great care of my hair, since I get split ends so easily and it looks dull most of the time. I use Dove shampoo and conditioner and that's about it as far as hair care for me. It does make my hair feel nice. I just never really had great hair.

How do you pamper yourself?
I love hot baths. When I'm not feeling well that is usually where I'll be. Soaking in the tub is so relaxing.

What is your beauty pet peeve?
Well I don't really care how other people dress, because I know everyone has their own style, but it does bug me when someone goes through a store complaining about how ugly everything is, or judges what other people wear even though they aren't dressed great themselves. If all you wear is a huge sweatshirt and jeans all the time, well that's fine, but don't blame other people for being more creative, you know? I guess I just don't like it when people don't respect that people are different and have different taste.

Another pet peeve I have is not really beauty related, but it's about girls.. Girls that talk really loud bother me. It's like do you know your voice doesn't just have one volume? Yea especially when they have a high pitched voice it can really get annoying.

What would your desert island must haves be?
Well I guess material items would not really matter to me. Survival would probably be the main goal, so I would definitely need a lot of food and water. As far as emotional sanity goes, I would hope I could have another person with me....because loneliness is killer. If not, then music is definitely essential. Oh and a blanket! It's really hard for me to sleep without one.

What is one beauty product you don't think you'll ever use?
Fake eyelashes. My boyfriend doesn't even like mascara or care for the long lash look. I still use mascara though, which goes to show you that I really don't care what other people think... just what I think of myself. I'm just not into the fake things.

What is one beauty product you haven't used yet, that you would like to try in the future?
I think if I had my ears pierced I would spend way too much time and money on earrings! I would want all different styles and colors to match all of my clothes. Earrings can be a nice touch to an outfit, just like makeup. And how fun would it be to match your sun glasses to your earrings?!!! Haha, yes, getting my ears pierced would unleash something monstrous...

Finally, do you have a beauty philosophy?
If even one person finds you beautiful, then it's true, and no one else's opinion matters. Most of the beauty is found on the inside anyway. I don't care how stereotypically pretty someone is, if they don't act right then it makes them look ugly to me.

Googly Eyes

2009-06-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yup... so I pretty much got googly eyes at these, but I will try to restrain from buying...eeep

Well I caved! ...
Mini Haul: If I remember correctly, most of this is from forever21 and stylesforless if you're interested. Sorry! don't mean to enable you :-P

This pic is from the stylesforless website. I thought her outfit was pretty and kinda different.
Do you ever go to a website and see a picture of one of the models and you're just like, I want what she's wearing! ...but then you can't find anything like it on the website? I would love that yellow and grey vest! The top would be pretty cool too, but oh well, I'm not skinny anymore, so it probably wouldn't even look that great on me. That's another thing.. even though I gained a lot of weight, I still feel the skinny girl is a part of who I am. It's tough shopping because I tend to pick out things that would have looked good on me when I was thinner. It's hard to get a different mindset... I guess maybe that's why you sometimes see really heavy girls wearing clothes that don't quite fit them. It's easy to judge and be like HELLO that looks awful, but think of being on the other side. Sometimes it just doesn't sink in. Maybe they can't accept it?

Haul

2009-06-27T18:23:00.001-07:00

So... it is probably bad, bad, bad, but the past week or so I have just been shopping like crazy. It's clothing that really gets me. I try not to let it get out of control, but sometimes I just feel like my wardrobe needs something...and well I can't resist! It would be much easier to keep myself out of the stores... if they didn't exist online! It's just too simple. I'll be browsing the Internet, see something I like, and boom I must get it. Well I do have some limitations. I don't really buy anything that's too expensive. You won't see me buying a one hundred dollar pair of jeans or anything like that. I mostly stick to the cheap shops, with a few exceptions. I don't know why I am so hooked on Internet shopping. I've had enough disappointments with purchases that you would think I would steer clear of it, but whatever, I still love my Internet shopping. Especially since there are not many good shops here in Butt town haha.

Anywho... here is what I have indulged in this week:

I got this black cardigan from Wet Seal because I thought it would be a nice addition to any outfit. From this picture I thought it seemed like it would be rather thick, but it turns out it's pretty thin. Oh well, I still adore it, and it's really cozy.

This tube top looks adorable in the picture and I was sure I would absolutely love it. It has a really cute tie back, and I dunno, it just looked good to me. Of course, I was a bit disappointed when I took it out of the package. The material was just really strange and heavier than I expected. It also was a bit too big for me. I might send it back, but I don't know if I'll actually get around to it. shame. I had never shopped at wet seal before, but they had a lot of cute things. I just think I will be more careful of them in the future because the pictures can be misleading.
Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking when I bought this. I know buying print tops online is not the best idea because it can look completely different in person. I think I wanted this because I was looking for something kind of grayish to go with this yellow vest I ordered I thought a tube top would be perfect with it, and this was the only grayish tube top I could find on wet seal (I didn't want to look at another shop because I only wanted to pay one shipping fee). Well I got it a couple days ago in the mail, and really it's not too bad.. I just have to find the right bra to go with it. My boyfriend loved it actually...he said, "Is that a boob top!? I love it!" I won't go into why he loves tube tops... lol
This lovely cardigan is from Forever21. When it comes to clothing, I really like purple for some reason. I have not received it yet, but I am hoping its satisfactory. I'll probably do an update later and include more feedback and perhaps pictures of me wearing the clothes.

I don't know why, but I have been pretty obsessed with long vests and cardigans lately. I just got a long gray vest (picture below).

It's from Stylesforless and it's pretty cute. The long striped vest in the other picture was from Charlotte Russe. It's different and I really like it. The tank is also from Charlotte Russe, and it goes effortlessly with this vest. The tank top is a more vibrant deep pink than shown in the picture (well depending on your monitor...I just looked on my boyfriend's computer and it looks like extremely bright! yikes). I don't usually buy simple tank tops online, because you can find them so easily in stores, but Charlotte Russe was having a sale called, "buy 3 tops get free shipping." I only had two tops in my bag at the time, so I thought about it, and I mean it didn't make sense to pay 6 bucks for shipping when I could find a third shirt for that price. Shipping or shirt? I would rather have an extra shirt and not pay shipping. lol. It was a no brainer.

This is the other top I from Charlotte Russe. The color, again, is much more vibrant in person. The material feels very nice and I do like it a lot. It has an interesting crochet design on the top, and I don't normally get tops like this, so it's something different from the norm.

This really bites. Okay so... I had this Macy's gift card that I used to buy a dress a while back. After that there was still ten dollars left on the card. So I was browsing the clearance section of Macy's online store and I came across this yellow vest. I thought it was kind of cool and the price went from like $50 to $9.99 so I ordered it...what else was I going to find at Macy's for ten bucks anyway? I got this the other day and well I was not too impressed with it. I would like it a lot better if the color was a light yellow like I had hoped. It's a really awkward yellow and I am not too fond of it. I don't really care for the material either...it is sort of old ladyish.The buttons and the top of the back also have this strange rainbow pattern. I don't know if I will be wearing it anytime soon, but it's not worth returning it.
Here are a few of the things I'm still waiting on in the mail. I'll update later on each of them and let you know what I think. Fingers crossed that they meet expectations. I at least hope the black cropped cardigan works out because I've been wanting something like that for a while now for my dresses.

These are some pieces I have had my eye on, but I don't think I will be buying them. I really have to stop buying everything just because I like it! I have to tell myself that I don't need everything.. some things are just for looking at. The purple dress I almost bought, but then I decided against it. I wasn't sure it would look that good on me anyway. The lighter color tube top is adorable tho, and I think I would have bought it if it wasn't sold out already. It has a really pretty floral embroidery if you look at it closer.

The tie back is very feminine and I love the color as well. But sold out in my size...sad face :(
But it's from Stylesforless if you want it and wear a small. They have some cute things!

This...I just like it for some reason. Not sure if I'll end up buying it?
I had been wanting to try this for a while, so I finally snuck over to the makeup department at Walmart and snatched it when my boyfriend wasn't looking. Lol...he was so happy about that.... hahaha. It's a good product, but not as great as I expected. I might actually like my Neutrogena version more, although this is good because it's waterproof. Love the colors though. Speaking of colors... I just ordered some By Lauren Luke makeup kits! I was anticipating the release back in April, but never got around to buying them until just yesterday. I got the My Smokey Classics and My Vintage Glams. I cannot wait to try them out! I will most certainly be updating about that in the near future, well whenever I get them.

I got a wii!!! For FREE! omg it's awesome! Yep. It came with a wiimote, nunchuk, and wii sports. Then my boyfriend and I went to Hastings and picked up some games. He had a 20% off coupon and Hastings was having a buy "two used games get the third for $1 dollar" sale. I ended up getting mariokart w/ the wheel, super paper mario, and wii play that came with another wii mote, and another nunchuk...my boyfriend also got a couple 360 games...all for a lot less then it would normally be!

Cooking

2009-06-27T14:25:00.001-07:00

I am not the greatest cook in the world, but sometimes I get inspired and decide to try making something new. If it turns out good, I get really excited and save the recipe for future reference. One time my boyfriend and I decided to make a homemade banana cream pie, and omg it turned out amazing! We even got it all to ourselves because our roomies were gone for the weekend. We made Indian tacos one time because I had never had them before. Boy those were tastey! Another time I made american goulash, because my dad used to make that and I hadn't had it in forever. It turned out pretty good. A couple weeks ago I made homemade Sesame Chicken for the first time. It was SO GOOD. I am craving it now... gosh talking about food has really made me hungry... I think I am going to get some food.

What's up Part 2: Whooping Cough?

2009-06-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay what else is going on my life? Hmm... well I have had this awful cough for 7 weeks now. It pretty much sucks but oh well. It started May 12th (yes I know the exact date. I even kept track of my symptoms in case I decided to see a doctor...which I tend to avoid...). I was in New Jersey and we went for a hike that day and I was so exhausted. That evening I started coughing pretty bad, but I didn't think much of it. So I went to bed and the next morning I woke up miserable. My tongue felt swollen, my throat hurt, and my ears ached like hell. I didn't know what was wrong, but my sister's boyfriend searched the symptoms and he said dehyrdation has all those symptoms. I thought it made sense since I had been hiking the day before, maybe I just didn't get enough water or something? ...yea dehydration my ass... so pretty much the pain and coughing continued for a week and while I was in Vermont at my mom's. On May 19th I had a fever, bad enough to worry my boyfriend. When we woke up in the morning I had soaked the sheets in sweat. My fever only lasted two or three days, but the cough remained and the pain. On May 21st I started antibiotics, and I took those for ten days as well as pain reliever whenever necessary. For the last few days of treatment I was back in Montana. The antibiotics seemed to make the sore throat go away and most of the pain, but that awful cough wasn't budging.

Around June 10th I started to lose my voice. I could not talk very well for a few days. One day I woke up feeling sick and I went to the bathroom and threw up. Another day I coughed so hard that I threw up on the bed. eeew. On the 13th my throat started hurting again and my tonsils felt swollen. I noticed a lot of white pus in the back of my throat. Then a day or two later that pain went away, but I was still coughing. Then about a week ago I got a runny nose and started sneezing a lot. I am still sneezing now and then now, but not as much. I think within the past week I started retching, which is when you gag... well you feel like you are throwing up but you don't. That happenes now and then, but that cough is the worst. And it is not just any ordinary cough. It is a very severe chronic cough. I get these coughing fits and my throat tightens and I feel like I can't breathe, which makes me cough even worse. Sometimes I would cough so hard my chest would hurt and I'd be in pain. Ugh it's nasty nasty. I have never experienced this kind of cough before, and especially not one that lasted so long. It's been 7 weeks nonstop. But it's strange because I don't really feel too sick most of the time when I'm not coughing. For a while I thought maybe it's asthma or something. I still don't know what it is, but I did read about whooping cough, and it sounds a lot like what I am going through. Well whatever it is, I just hope it goes away soon!

What's up: College

2009-06-27T12:44:00.001-07:00

So I just felt like making a post about the things that are going on in my life now. Not that it's anything exciting... haha... This will probably end up pretty long, so I think I will break it up into different posts.

COLLEGE:
Over a week ago (June 19th) I had my new student registration/orientation day. I finally transferred to Montana Tech after a year of taking advantage of online classes from a Vermont school. Originally I was going to the University of Vermont as a Zoology major. I did that for a year and a half and then a bunch of drama happened and I went to the Community College of Vermont for a semester as a Liberal Studies major. It was only a temporary thing...and I was able to take online classes through there, which allowed me to stay in Montana with my boyfriend for the last year. teehee... But alas it is time for me to return to the traditional classroom! So I applied to Montana Tech and got accepted as a Biology major.

For a while I couldn't decide if I should go to MTech, UM, or back to UVM. UVM was the better choice financially and major-wise, but I knew I would probably get depressed if I had to go back to a long-distance relationship. Also, I was starting to doubt if Zoology was the path I wanted to take. Don't get me wrong, I adore it and it really fascinates me, but careerwise I was unsure if it would be right for me. I started to explore other options, and for a while I really thought I would try going into massage therapy. That makes me laugh now because I have no idea how I thought of that...it's really random.

But yea, that didn't last long. Soon I decided to stick with Biology type fields. I was hesitant to go to MTech because the Biology program didn't look promising. It wasn't that it's not a good program, no not at all, I think it's a great program. It's just that it requires a senior thesis and a few public speaking classes that terrify me beyond belief...you know having social anxiety and whatnot... Not to mention my courses from UVM did not transfer that well, so it would probably take me another 4 years to get my bachelors degree... I just don't think I can last that long.

But I finally did decide to go to Montana Tech, because I knew that my happiness is key to my success. When I am depressed I tend to get discouraged and end up in a bad situation. It happened in High School and in College once, and I don't really wanna go there again. I know I will be much happier here with my boyfriend and my new friends. Still, the four year thing really bothered me, so I decided to look into two year programs. For a while I thought maybe going into the medical field would be best. Jobwise it seemed good and it wouldn't involve a whole lot of schooling if I did something like radiology or medical assisting. If I did radiology I could then go to school for ultrasound, which kind of interests me. I did a lot of research and for a while it seemed like I was gonna open a new door of opportunities. I really had my mind set on this, but of course I can never stick to anything. I change my mind so fricken much! But I did send in a change of major form to do the Medical Assistant major, and when I went to my orientation this was what I had in mind. They still had me listed as Biology when they gave me my advising packet, and I was already preregistered for biology classes...but the lady I talked to told me that my new advisor would give me a call to help me register for the right courses.

So I went home and what do you know...while waiting for this call I changed my mind yet again! I really got to thinking about it, and well, medical assistant is probably not the best choice for me. I don't know how well I could handle taking someone's blood... or how well I could deal with people in general. Yep so I pretty much lost faith in my ability to get through that program... Even though it would only take me 1 1/2 to 2 years to complete. I think that might be the problem.. this is going to be my fourth year attending college..I would only end up with an associate's degree after 6 years? I really do want my bachelors degree. I feel like I deserve it. Honestly sometimes I don't care what I major in or what kind of job I end up with, I just want that fricken degree already. That probably sounds odd... but I guess I just want to get it done with.

So there I was once again...completely confused as to what I was going to do with my life. Sometimes I would consider leaving school altogether...but I know that would be a very bad choice. Like I said. I just want to get that degree already! I've been through a lot and I need something to show for it. So this past week I was looking into other bachelor degrees that MTech offers. I thought maybe Liberal Studies would be good, since I don't really know what I want to do. I also assumed that the curriculum had a lot of leeway, so most of my already earned credits would apply. But nope, not true, not true. I would have to take a lot of history and english classes. YUCK! I am definitely more of a science and math gal. I don't mind english and I do well in it, but History is definitely not my forte. Then I looked into this general science major, and actually it didn't sound too bad, plus I could probably finish in 2 or 2 1/2 years if I did that right.

I could finish sooner if I can get some of my Chemistry and Biology courses to transfer properly. There were some courses that transfered over as electives, but I think they should have transfered as specific courses. If you read the course descriptions from the two schools they cover the same topics. So WHAT THE HECK! Anyways, so hopefully they reconsider it, and if not, that sucks but oh well. So with this General Science major I have to do two minors. Biology is an obvious choice, but i am not sure what to do for the second one yet. I sent in another change of major form, and now I am waiting to hear from my new advisor so I can register for classes.

So pretty much that orientation day was pointless, but oh well my boyfriend and I got free lunch hehe. I remember when I went to my UVM orientation I was nervous because it was a weekend thing and I would have to sleep there and everything. But it turned out to be a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it. One of the nights they had like a mini fair and I even got a henna tattoo. I had asked for a sun, but I guess the lady didn't speak very good english...so I got some sort of lotus flower design I think. It was so cool! I want another one actually, so maybe if I go to the fair this year we can try to find a henna booth. That would be sweetaki.
I wish I had a pic of the one I had, but I don't. Here are some random google images though.

Boxed Dollie

2009-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Here is a collection of pictures of me that are kind of risque. I think they are from last fall and winter. I just get in these moods sometimes... Maybe it comes from the whole modeling thing I left unexplored...wondering what could have been. When I was fourteen or so I went to a modeling audition. I went there with everyday clothes, unstyled hair, and no make up. When I got there I felt out of place because most of the other girls were dressed in fancy dresses and had their hair and make up done. Still, I did my thing and went home not really thinking too much of it. Eventually I got a call and was told I had been picked. Supposedly out of the hundred or so people, they only picked 6. I was pretty proud to be one of them, but I didn't go through with it. I don't really know why. Maybe it was just one of those things you do just to know that you can. I mean, I didn't really want to be a model, and honestly I don't think I'm that photogenic. It's just something I think about now and then and think what if? Well it doesn't matter now anyway. I gained like thirty pounds in the past year.

Wow putting that out there really makes it hit home... that's insane! I never thought I'd be in this position. My whole life up until a year or two ago I had been really skinny. I hated the way people stared at me. I knew they thought I was anorexic or something. I definitely was NOT anorexic and it always pissed me off that people could not accept the fact that I was naturally that skinny. I mean seriously, I love food... Especially junk food omg. It's so bad. As a teenager I could eat anything I wanted without gaining weight. I guess that was just my metabolism. It might also have had to do with the fact that I only drank water and my mom and I don't drive, so we pretty much walked everywhere. I have a feeling that if I started walking as much as I used to I might drop quite a few pounds just from that.

Thinking back I remember how much I hated being so skinny. I actually wanted to gain weight. When I finally weighed over 100 pounds I was excited. Then I gradually started to gain weight, and I loved it. I loved when I finally had a butt and breasts. lol. I loved when I started to fill out my jeans a bit. If I could go back to that happy in between phase, I would in a heart beat.

Now... now I am probably overweight...I am not liking it one bit. I want to fit into my old clothes and I don't want to be fat. I wouldn't call myself fat right now, but I know if I keep this up I could very well end up that way. eeek no good. I know I don't want to let myself go like that, but the problem is I cannot stay motivated. For a while I was doing ab work outs. Then I got bored of that and stopped for a while. Then I started dancing everyday for a week or two. Then I stopped again for a while. I went out and bought a jump rope recently. That is a really good workout, but almost too much for me right now. I am so out of shape. So for the last four days I have been running for at least a half hour each day. It's simple, easy, and I just listen to music and almost enjoy it. So we'll see if I can stay committed to that....

So anyway, those pictures at the beginning are me probably at 130 pounds or so, which was ten pounds more than I wanted to be at the time. I'd gadly go back to that weight if I could.

This wasn't the skinniest I had been, but even here I think I was probably too skinny.
This is summer 2007 I think?

I think I am starting to look better. This was Halloween of 2007. I was 19 at the time.

This must've been spring of '08. I was 20 at the time

The above pic was May 2008. 20 years old

By the end of Summer '08 I had gained 11 pounds.

Valentine's Day 2009

So here are two pics of me now. Summer 2009 21 years old.

Lets Get Artsy Fartsy

2009-06-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

So pretty much I have not taken an art class since middle school, so I don't know much about the rules of art or any special techniques they probably teach you if you take art. Honestly, I think in some ways that's a good thing. It never really made sense to me for art to have "rules". To me art is a form of expression, and I would rather just do whatever I feel like doing. Anyway, here are some pictures of my more recent projects. They are not very good compared to professional standards, but I enjoyed making them and that's what really counts, right?

A friend wanted me to paint with her, so I did, and this is the result. It had seemed like forever since I picked up a paint brush.

I realized how much I miss painting, so my boyfriend and I went to Wally World to get me my own supplies. The first thing I painted was this hibiscus flower. I don't know why, but I tend to paint flowers when I don't feel like thinking too hard about what to paint.

Here we have my first attempt at a duct tape wallet. I'd say it was pretty successful, since I actually use it :). I love owls and I knew that's what I wanted, so I searched tattoo owls on google and came across these. Cool huh? I think if I ever got a tattoo it might be something like that, just really small and somewhere inconspicuous.

After seeing my wallet, my sister asked me to make her an orange DC wallet...so there it is. It was a pain in the butt to make the ID holder, but I think it was a nice touch. I shipped this to my sister, and she loved it. Our friend Emily also loved it, and she has been begging me to make her a twilight one. I haven't really been motivated to make another one yet, but we shall see.

Sometimes I just get in this mood where I like to decoupage random things. This was just a plain black journal, then I decided to decoupage this paper onto it, probably because I love elephants.

Here is another decoupage journal. I cut up little Valentines for this one.

This is the card I made my boyfriend for Valentine's Day. I drew the owls and hearts on some rose paper with permanent marker, then decoupaged over it to give it a nice finish and make it sturdy.

Okay, so this isn't exactly artistic, but since I mentioned Valentine's Day, I thought I'd include this. My boyfriend says he is not very creative, but I think he doesn't give himself enough credit. As I mentioned before, hibiscus is my favorite flower, and I'll admit that is not the easiest flower to get a hold of. So instead of getting me a bouquet of my favorite flowers, he got me dried hibiscus petals for tea making. It's a beautiful tea and a neat twist on the flower-giving cliche. Plus, the dried petals smell divine!

The Vision

2009-06-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hi,

My name is Kayla and I am a 21 year old college student. I am not exactly sure what this blog will be about, but I have a feeling it will end up very random and not necessarily dedicated to one thing...because I am scatter-brained like that. I sort of envision it as a beauty blog of sorts?.... perhaps like a blog with my projects, art, cooking, make up, clothing, and whatever else I feel like including. I will probably also include updates on college and life in general.

I suppose I will start off with a little bit about me. Instead of rambling on about things I feel that I have posted numerous times before on other sites, I thought I'd just include this old Facebook note:

1) I was born in Germany, and my mom is German. I love her <3 I have lived in Germany, Kansas, Hawaii, Tennessee, New York, Vermont, and Montana.

2) I have a social anxiety disorder. It makes life difficult at times (many common everyday things make me nervous), but I take life one day at a time and am thankful for those who are accepting and patient.

3) I have four amazing sisters and I love them dearly.

4) I love animals :) There’s just something about someone who doesn’t mind the silence.

5) Hibiscus is my favorite flower. I used to love looking at them as a little girl in Hawaii.

6) I love pictures! I love taking them and looking at them. I like myspace and facebook because I can look at everyone’s pictures and see that everyone is happy and well. So if you have pictures, I’ve probably looked at them several times…haha sorry if that’s odd!

7) One of the best friends I have ever had was actually a kitty cat named Skittles. Now that she’s gone I feel like a part of me is missing :(

8) I consider myself to have a long lost “twin.” She is a beautiful and wonderful young woman and her name is Rachel Wood. I met her in 6th grade, which was when we realized that we have the same exact birthday (02-15-1988) and last name. She doesn’t know this, but I wish I had gotten to know her better, because she will always be special to me.

9) I have a secret desire to dance. Though I don’t normally purposely put myself in these situations, I love it when everyone is moving to the music and I finally get comfortable enough to do the same. I feel so carefree and it’s so much fun.

10) I recently attended my first rock concert, which btw was AMAZING! I think I have concert fever now. I am hooked and I can’t wait for the next opportunity!

11) I rarely forget people, and I am thankful for anyone and everyone who’s even said hello to me and smiled. I <3 you all!

12) I really, really, really enjoy rollercoaster’s…but ever since I was hit in the head (or for whatever reason) I get dizzy a lot easier, so I’m not sure if a rollercoaster would make me sick now? It really sucks!

13) I like picking someone special to me and personalizing a journal for him or her. I then write in it over a period of time, and when it’s all filled up I can give it to him/her as a gift. It’s sort of a new thing I do, but I have already completed a few :) (maybe I'll write one for you some day)

14) I am obsessed with chips, barbecue sauce, cheese, and cheesecake.

15) I don’t drive. I don’t really like to explain why…

16) People sometimes think I am mad at them or don’t like them for one reason or another, when actually it’s nothing personal, it’s just that I don’t have much to say or I am having anxiety issues. Usually I am worrying that you might not like me!

17) I have a hard time with small-talk, so I tend to be more nervous around girls, because, well…girls like to talk…about everything. Haha…but still, I wish I had more close girl friends.

18) A few years ago, I made a list of 100 things I want to do in my lifetime. Every time I accomplish something, I add something else so the list keeps growing!

19) I hope to go on an awesome honeymoon some day. In fact, I often think about that more then I do about having a wedding.

20) I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs

21) I get amused when people have something in common with me. (such as Kayla Mae and Andy... you rock ^__^)

22) I was in chorus for six years and I miss it so much! In any other circumstance I would be uncomfortable on stage and in front of people, but singing with everyone was really a surprisingly powerful and oh so fun experience. Some of my best middle school and high school memories are from times in chorus!!!

23) I believe laughing is a great cure! It always feels good to laugh. Oh and hugs too!

24) I have a wonderful boyfriend! He is my best friend, my first kiss, and my first love. <3

25) I love seeing hawks, eagles, and other birds of prey soaring high up in the sky. I get really excited and it always makes me smile. Whenever we're going for a long drive, I'll be looking out my window for them. I really like watching birds fly in general, but the raptors are my favorite.